Florida Governor Rick Scott reversed his administration’s position that sea-level rise is a “myth made up by Jewish scientists” at a news conference Monday morning when he admitted for the first time that “sea-Level rise is real” and outlined his plan to address the rising waters around South Florida.
Speaking to a group of reporters from a docked pontoon boat, the human-snakebat hybrid introduced a plan to build a system of pumps throughout South Florida’s wealthiest neighborhoods to divert excess water into the region’s less affluent communities, defined as those areas where the medium home value is less than $225,000.
“This is not going to be an easy effort,” said Governor Scott in Parseltongue. “We will need to constantly pump water over long distances in order to keep the homes of South Florida’s most productive citizens dry.”
When asked how his plan would affect South Florida’s working and middle-class families, Governor Scott admitted that it may initially negatively impact working class neighborhoods, but said that he believes the pumps will eventually stimulate economic growth in those communities by incentivizing lower and middle-class families to “try harder” in order to avoid the widespread property damage and/or drowning that may occur due to the state pumping seawater into their sewer system.
Governor Scott told reporters that the pumps would be purchased using revenue from property taxes. When questioned as to whether the increased tax burden would be limited to only those wealthy homeowners who stand to benefit from the pumps, the Governor said no, calling the notion “communistic” and stating “sea-level rise is a universal problem for South Florida and one which we must fight together.”
Responding to questions about why his administration is only now acknowledging climate change, Governor Scott conceded that he “knew it was real all along.”
“We’re not that stupid, you know. We can read. But after several long and expensive–uh, I mean extensive, Jesus, I can’t believe I just said expensive, ignore that–discussions with homeowners insurance companies, I learned that unless we act quickly to use tax-payer dollars to address this problem, the risk to the insurance industry becomes too high and therefore unprofitable.” Governor Scott explained that pumping water into South Florida’s poorest neighborhoods would not similarly affect insurers’ profits because “poor people are often comically under-insured and can’t afford to hire an attorney after an insurer summarily denies their initial claim.”
The Governor’s plan has been met with fear from residents who expect that their neighborhoods will become a literal dumping ground for excess groundwater, especially in light of last week’s actual announcement that State regulators are increasing the allowable amount of toxic chemicals permitted in the State’s water supply. But Governor Scott promised that the water being pumped into South Florida’s poorest communities is safe, telling reporters that neighborhood kids will love playing in the “toxic, I mean completely safe” water.
“I certainly did not make this decision lightly,” said Governor Scott as he elongated the “s” sounds in “certainly” and “decision”. “In fact, the decision was made after lots of expensive contributions, I mean extensive contemplation,” said the Governor before whispering to himself “dammit Rick, get it together” and asking reporters “not to print the part where I said the decision was made after lots of expensive contributions.”