Stephen Colbert has come under fire for joking that Donald Trump’s mouth would be best used as a “cock holster” for Vladimir Putin. Although the Plantain did not actually watch the clip of the joke, it has learned through sources we completely made up that Stephen Colbert has been fired as host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and will be replaced by Tucker Carlson. The new show will be called “Tucker Carlson’s Late Show With Stephen Colbert.”
“I think what Mr. Colbert said was absolutely disgusting and I’m sickened by it and am just happy that I can use what he said to further my own professional status,” said Mr. Carlson as he wiped some guacamole from his bow-tie.
The FOX News host has seen his star rise over the last several months and has been the go-to replacement host when Megyn Kelly left FOX News earlier this year and most recently replaced Bill O’Reilly after he left the network amid allegations that he is “a fucking creep.”
Mr. Carlson says that his Late Show will be very similar to what Colbert has been doing, but with less humor and viewers. “No one wants to think about the President and blow jobs,” he said, ignoring literally every joke made on late night TV about President Clinton from 1997-2000.
The Plantain spoke to Mr. Colbert, who tried to tell us that the anti-gay joke he told was not, in fact, anti-gay because it was not at the expense of the gay community, but rather just a hyperbolic political comment on the apparent closeness between Russian President Vladamir Putin and President Trump, but to be honest, we didn’t have time to hear his whole explanation because we needed to get this piece online as fast as possible before people forget that this was a thing that happened.