By Angel SaxonA local Boca Raton woman sat down for a huge, indulgent egg supper, moments after finishing her all-day shift protesting a local abortion clinic, it has been reported. Caroline Nosybody, a self-confessed “top-tier Christian” admitted to dashing home, running to the fridge to fetch a carton of specially ordered, fertilized eggs and excitedly cracking them on the side of her pan, before licking her lips in anticipation as the scrambled cells inside started to fry into a baby smooth batter.
“Jesus fucking Christ, I have been waiting for this,” she was heard to utter. “Sorry Jesus”, she added under her breath.
“I am fucking starving. Nothing quite works up an appetite for eating things that were nearly, but not quite born like trying to suppress the right of others to nearly, but not quite give birth.”
The Plantain asked Mrs. Nosybody if she saw any kind of hypocrisy in eating non-consensual avian abortions while protesting self-determined human abortions, and she had this to say:
“Fact is humans are more important than birds. Every human knows this”, she said, through thick, hot mouthfuls of creamy, well spiced bird fetus.
“The Lord God—God rest his soul—made us in his image—and you’ll notice I don’t have wings—or a beak. If you’re saying I should care about bird abortions, that’s like saying maybe God was a bird himself. And if I was made in his image, what does that make me? A chicken!? Are you calling me a chicken?!” she spat.
> She saw no hypocrisy in eating non-consensual avian abortions while protesting self-determined human abortions.
The Plantain caught up with Meraises Rodriguez, a young woman who had visited the abortion clinic earlier in the day and who was turned back by the exuberant protesting of Mrs. Nosybody, to ask her if she thought there was any hypocrisy in Mrs. Nosybody’s actions.
“Wait, she went right home and ate some damn eggs? You’ve got to be kidding me. She scared me with all this talk about my soul and morality and giving unborn life a chance, and then, right afterward, she chowed down on the unborn souls of at least four beings!?” she asked incredulously.
Ms. Rodriguez continued, “You know, I wasn’t even planning on eating my baby! I mean, I hadn’t definitely decided one way or another, but I can say I almost certainly wouldn’t have! Now, I’ve got half a mind to march right back to that clinic and get the damn abortion after all, and maybe then abort the next pregnancy, too, just for good measure!”
When The Plantain attempted to follow up with Mrs. Nosybody, she said that she was too busy preparing for a sponsored road trip to Washington, D.C. named “Eggs, Not Abortions,” paid for by the U.S. Poultry & Egg Association and their affiliated egg lobbyists. She says she plans to unite with fellow activists to hand out omelets as they protest at area abortion clinics while she is in town.
Angel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.