“I like people to think of me as a voracious reader,” said twenty-six-year-old financial adviser Jesse Villanova as he walked into local retailer Books & Books to peruse its shelves for books he has no intention of reading.
Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez was caught snoopin around a Queens subdivision Thursday, attempting to take an unclaimed Amazon package for himself.”I mean, if it’s just sitting there, why shouldn’t I take it back to Miami?” asked the Mayor about the package, which reportedly contains 25,000 jobs and a generous tax subsidy of several billion dollars. “If the owners haven’t picked it up, then it’s not a crime for me to take it,” said the Mayor, using the same logic as some jerks who stole a box containing a pair of torsion hinges I purchased from Amazon just a few days ago.
The torsion hinges cost $34.99 each and, if a new pair ever arrives, I’ll put them on a toy chest I’m building for my son, who is due on March 26. That’s probably an unnecessary detail for this story, but I mostly write these articles to entertain my wife anyway. So Hi babe, sorry you had those braxton hicks pains this morning. You’re doing great, you got this, and I love you.
Anyway, back to the fake Amazon story, I guess…um…how about we wrap it up like this:
Mayor Gimenez released a statement that he hopes Amazon will reconsider his offer of giving billions of dollars to help build a headquarters in Miami. “We don’t have the infrastructure to house or transport their workers, or a good long-term plan to address the rising sea, but what we lack in everything, we sure do make up for in free money we are willing to give away.”
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly responded to the Mayor’s offer with an appreciative dick pic and a note saying “still no.”
The Plantain (PLNTN) announced in a post you’re reading right now that due to financial pressures it has been forced to fire Daniel, it’s entire staff. Sources expect Daniel learned of his termination in the previous sentence. Also, this isn’t a joke. We can’t afford you anymore. We wish there was a better way of letting you know.The Plantain, LLC. was founded in 1977 by Jeffrey and Marisol Plantain, two plantains. Originally intended as an industry publication for the emerging coke trade, it pivoted to hard news in the late aughts, mostly on a dare. In 2017 it was purchased by Some Corporation Acquiring Media, Inc. for approximately $90 million in something called “McClatchy Coin”, which is now essentially worthless.
“Daniel was a nice guy, I guess. But he really should have seen this coming,” said the Plantain in this statement.
Adam Fernandez didn’t realize how unhealthy he was until he was faced with walking up two flights of stairs at work today.The 46-year-old attorney decided to walk from his office to a conference room two floors up after growing impatient waiting for the elevator in his Brickell office. “Two flights will be fine,” he thought. He almost immediately regretted the decision.
“I entered the stairwell with an unreasonable amount of confidence,” admitted the middle-aged lawyer, “but after around 4 steps I started feeling my heart through my Brooks Brothers shirt. By the time I got through one flight I was like ‘What the fuck is wrong with my body?'”
By the time Mr. Fernandez completed the two-flight trek he was completely out of breath and a pool of sweat had gathered beneath the back of his Brooks Brothers shirt, which he frankly expected would breath better.
Mr. Fernandez gasped heavily as he finally entered the conference room and introduced himself to a Mr. Xiu from Beijing, who was reportedly so upset by Mr. Fernandez’s tardiness and exasperated demeanor that he wondered whether he should find a representative in better physical fitness.
In a written response to The Plantain, Mr. Fernandez blamed his derelict physical state on his sedentary lifestyle and poor diet choices.
Miamians were thrilled to find out that the world’s biggest company Amazon had chosen it as the location for its executive Christmas party. “We think Miami is the perfect place to spend a few days, and only a few days, to celebrate our choosing Virginia and NY as the site for the Company’s new headquarters,” said Jeff Bezos, who spent part of his childhood in Miami, but doesn’t really think it’s a very nice place to live.Amazon’s decision to host their Christmas party in Miami will reportedly result in tens-of-thousands of dollars to the County’s economy in the form of hotel fees and bottle services, as well as airline fees derived from flights from Miami to Amazon’s new headquarters in Northern Virginia and Long Island City.
Miami had petitioned Amazon to be the home of its new headquarters. Mr. Bezos reportedly thought the City’s efforts to attract Amazon were “really super cute” but cited the City’s horrible transit system, its non-stop traffic, its lack of skilled technical workers (check out our photoshop as an example of the lack of talent), and its continual practice of approving useless stadiums over green spaces as reasons why Miami wasn’t a good fit to be an Amazon headquarter. Mr. Bezos also said he thought it was doubtful Miami would be above water in 50-years, to which Governor Senator Rick Scott put his fingers in his ears while whispering instructions to a financial adviser to buy 30,000 shares of Amazon stock.
“It’s not the result we wanted,” said Mayor Carlos Gimenez, “but Miami can use this defeat as a teachable moment.”
When asked whether Amazon’s decision would cause the County to focus more money on improving its infrastructure and climate change problems in the hopes of attracting other large companies to Miami, the Mayor said he would. “I think if we had a Major League Soccer team and maybe another baseball stadium or two we would have been chosen.”
When TJ Maxx Homegoods employee Jennifer Lorber arrived to work on the morning of November 1st she was greeted by a familiar voice:
♫I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need…♫
“No! They aren’t playing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” already,” said the 26-year-old narcoleptic to herself. “It’s the day after Halloween! This isn’t right!”
♫I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree…♫
“It must just be Joey playing a trick on the rest of us. No one would start playing Christmas music this early.”
♫I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know…♫
“But Joey’s dead. So who would do this? They would at least have the decency to wait until after the election, right?” she thought as she made her way to the back office.
♫Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas…♫
When she opened the door to the back office she saw her store manager Terry taking an inventory of the two-dozen or so cardboard boxes of Christmas decorations that had been delivered to the store that morning.
“Merry Christmas, Jennifer! We get to put up the X-mas deco today.”
“I guess this is really happening,” conceded Jennifer as she was underhand tossed a red and white Santa hat by Terry.
“Put this on, corporate wants us to start rocking our festive wear early this year.”
As the jingle bells, piano trills, and drum shuffle entered the song she clocked in and began to unpack a giant vinyl snowflakes that was to go on the store’s outside windows. It was 89 degrees outside.
♫I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. And I…♫
“I wonder if Tara is still pissed about last night,” Jennifer thought as she pulled out her phone to see if Tara had texted back. She hadn’t.
♫Don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.♫
“It isn’t even my fault she’s upset. I don’t know why it’s my job to apologize. It’s not like I knew Jesse was going to show up last night.”
♫I don’t need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace. Santa Claus won’t make me happy with a toy on Christmas day…♫
“I mean, I had an idea that he might be going. But whatever, we broke up like 6 months ago. Why am I’m supposed to feel bad about being “too friendly” with him. He’s my friend, I’m friendly.”
♫I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you…♫
“Jesus, this really is a great song,” she thought to herself. “I really don’t like him any more anyway,” she told herself as the rise of the song began to brighten her mood.
♫I won’t ask for much this Christmas, I won’t even wish for snow, and I…♫
“I understand why she’s upset. She feels insecure that my last relationship was with a man, I get that. But she needs to learn to trust me when I say I’m committed to her.”
♫I just wanna keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe…♫
Jennifer pulled out her cellphone and scrolled through her Newsfeed to look for pictures of last night. “Jesus, why did I have to sit on his lap,” she questioned herself while enlarging a photo of her from last night. She was dressed as a sexy Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and sitting on Jesse’s lap. “How was I supposed to know he was going to come as a Ghostbuster.
♫Cause I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight…♫
“Unless…could he have come to the party dressed as a Ghostbuster on purpose? He would have known about my outfit from my Instagram.”
♫What more can I do? Oh baby all I want for Christmas is you…♫
“Of course he knew. What a jerk, and all night he was telling me how good I looked and how crazy it was that we had matching costumes.”
♫All the lights are shining so brightly everywhere, and the sound of children’s laughter fills the air…♫
“And I was so drunk last night, no wonder Tara is mad at me.” As she walked toward the front of the store with a giant vinyl snowflake tucked underneath her arm she began to text Tara. Her last text to her read: “I’m sorry if u can’t handle me. I won’t be caged.”
♫And everyone is singing. I hear those sleigh bells ringing. Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need? Wont you please bring my baby to be quickly…♫
This time she sent: “Baby, I’m sorry about last night. I was wrong and stupid. I <3 u bae”
♫I just want you for my own. More than you could ever know…♫
As she unwrapped the backing off of the vinyl snowflake she felt a buzz in her pocket. It read: “Thank you. I overreacted too. Let’s talk about this tonight, I love you.”
♫Make my wish come true, baby all i want for Christmas is you…♫
“This really is a great song,” Jennifer thought as she applied the snowflake to the store’s front window. As the song faded out Jennifer reflected on Tara and how special what was developing between them felt. “It will be nice to spend the holidays together,” she thought as she imagined watching Harry Potter marathons on ABC Family and exchange gifts with Tara. “Christmas really isn’t that bad. Maybe November 1 is a good start date for the holidays after all.”
Suddenly, Jennifer heard the opening notes of the song again.
♫I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need…♫
“Terry, why is the song playing again?”
“Oh, we’re playing this on repeat until January. Corporate said it puts customers in a happy and therefore shoppier mood.”
As Jennifer gazed down at her phone again she scrolled through pictures of her and Tara from the Halloween party.
“I just love that she is the type of woman who would dress up as Ada Lovelace for a costume party,” she said to herself while examining a picture of the two of them embracing last night.
“Maybe I’ll buy her a ring for Christmas,” she pondered to herself as the jingle bells, piano trills, and drums entered the song once again. “That will show Jesse. ”
The Sedano’s Supermarkets chain has launched new ethnic food aisles in 25 of its Miami locations as part of a strategy to target the growing segment of White millennials moving to Miami’s urban core.
Products featured in the new “Anglo” aisles include almond milk, brussels sprouts, goji berries, kombucha, gluten-free crackers, and assortments of artisanal jams sold in mason jars.
“South Florida is a community of immigrants,” said Carlos Perez-Santiago, a Sedano’s spokesperson. “We are proud to provide our newly arrived Anglo neighbors with food from their homeland.”
At a recent opening in Little Havana, local resident Andrea Figueroa, 55, wandered into the new aisle and was delighted with the interesting foreign offerings.
“There are so many amazing, exotic foods to sample,” Ms. Figureoa said as she examined a can of beets. “These Smucker’s Uncrustable are unbelievable! Who would’ve thought to put grape jelly in an empanada? Another great Anglo delicacy.”
Blake Miller, 24, who recently emigrated from his homeland of St. Louis to Midtown, said he was able to find many of his favorite comfort foods in Sedano’s new Anglo aisles.
“Knowing there is a place in Miami that sells Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper does a lot to help with the homesickness. Whenever I’m missing my homeland, I go and buy a box and, before too long, I am enjoying a home cooked meal just like my mother used to make,” Mr. Miller said.
Sedano’s will continue to focus its efforts on targeting Miami’s growing Anglo market, and has plans to brand one of its new stores as “Sedano’s Flavor”, which will feature traditional Anglo-American foods throughout the store and have an in-store buffet restaurant that will be jointly operated by Golden Corral.
“White people love buffets”, said Mr. Perez-Santiago. “I don’t get it, but we look forward to giving them an all-you-can-eat taste of home.”
By Manuel Del Fango IV
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Dressed in a skintight leopard print mini-dress, 26-year-old Danielle Alvarez stumbles drunkenly across the Setai Hotel’s opulent South Beach lobby. In one hand she holds the arm of hotel guest Jordan Silverstein, the son of wealthy industrialist Harold Silverstein and her beau for the evening. In the other, a pair of pink stiletto-heels that she removed from her feet before leaving the Ocean Drive club where the two met hours earlier. Dirt and droplets of blood from her calloused feet track her erratic gait.
Ms. Alvarez is a “pata sucia“, a colloquial term for a woman who removes her heels after leaving the club to walk the dirty streets barefoot. The term’s literal translation is “dirty feet.”
Mark Lapazzia, the Setai’s nighttime manager, watches pata sucias like Ms. Alvarez walk through his lobby every night, each with the same result: Dirt is tracked through his lobby by the shoeless women his guests bring back from the club.
But tonight is different.
“Having to deal with pata sucias every night was driving me mad,” said Mr. Lapazzia. “There were so many that we had to hire a full-time night janitor to mop the lobby whenever one of these shameless women would walk through.” But after months of strategizing how to keep his lobby clean, Mr. Lapazzia realized that to solve this problem he needed to be proactive.
“I thought, instead of trying to clean the lobby, it may be easier to just clean these women’s disgusting feet,” said Mr. Lapazzia. And thus, by installing a simple foot shower outside of the entrance of the Setai, and supplying his concierge with a stockpile of complimentary slippers for his guests’ overnight paramours, Mr. Lapazzia solved an age-old hospitality problem and created the newest must have accommodation for Miami’s luxury hotels.
“The Setai services some of the world’s wealthiest and sophisticated clients. The type that expects nothing short of perfection. Unfortunately, sometimes those guests are enticed by a tremendo culo in all white stretch pants and bring a ratchet woman back from the club. The Setai is proud to be able to offer our guests’ colorful friends a place to wash the dirt off of their feet and a nice pair of slippers to wear as they walk through our stunning lobby to our lavish guest suites for the night.
The Plantain caught up with Ms. Alvarez early the next morning as she left the hotel and asked her what she thought of the Setai’s unique pata sucia accommodations. The Aventura native said that she thought it was “like a super classy thing” for the hotel to offer before suspiciously volunteering that the two Rolex watches loosely dangling from her right wrist were “for sure literally” hers.
When asked to clarify, Ms. Alvarez said she “was like super hungover” and had to leave. The unemployed esthetician then quickly scuttled away to an Uber waiting for her outside the hotel, still wearing the complimentary slippers she received upon her arrival the night before.
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Known to the world only as “Luisa,” the fast food employee that courageously refused to take an order delivered in English at a Hialeah Taco Bell has found a job at a Cuban Guys restaurant. “No one that eats our food speaks English, so we think she’ll fit in fine,” said a representative of the restaurant through a translator.
The incident, which has sparked a nationwide debate over whether people should still be eating Taco Bell in 2018, has been the talk of the entire Hialeah community, most of whom reportedly “could literally care less” about whether a fast food restaurant employee speaks English. “This is Hialeah,” said the entire community over and over, “you have to speak Spanish if you expect to eat.”
“This is Hialeah” was adopted as the City’s official slogan/justification for everything in 2004.
One of the more troubling aspects of the Taco Bell video was the racial undertones present between Luisa and the African American couple attempting to order a Quesadilla (which would be considered a Spanish word outside of Hialeah). The Plantain asked literally every man in Hialeah age 14-21 (and also Frank Artiles) whether racism is pervasive within Hialeah, to which they all were adamant it was not before casually dropping the n-word and then immediately letting me know that it was cool because “This is Hialeah.”
Luisa’s first shift at Cuban Guys is this Friday, but she is trying to get it covered because this week has been too much. We asked Luisa through a translator whether she thought it was fair that she denied that couple a quesadilla, to which she noted that if they really wanted to order a quesadilla in English they should have gone to a Taco Bell in Pinecrest or something.
The Plantain reached out to Pinecrest Mayor Joseph Corradino who balked at Ms. Luisa’s suggestion, proudly stating that Pinecrest has been “Taco Bell” free since 2009. “The Taco Bell is technically in Palmetto Bay,” he noted boastfully.
PS: Hey. Did you read this far? You know it’s all fake, right? Cuban Guys (which we at the Plantain thinks is legit) probably didn’t hire that girl. But they should. Everyone needs to eat.
PPS: It is true that Frank Artiles used the N-Word and blame it on Hialeah, The City of Progress.
Salt Bae’s Miami restaurant Nusr-Et Steakhouse, which translates to “You won’t believe how much this place costs. How is that guy getting away with this? What is wrong with you people Steakhouse” is crap. I know because I’ve eaten there. So has Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro, which a lot of people are very upset about. Now, I recognize that literally catering to a dictator is “problematic” or whatever you kids call it, and Salt Bae’s affinity for Maduro and prominent dead person Fidel Castro is less than ideal, but that shouldn’t be why you don’t eat at Salt Bae.You shouldn’t eat at Salt Bae because it is crap and represents the worst of Miami’s food scene. Here are 5 reasons why you shouldn’t eat at Nurse Shark Steakhouse that have nothing to do with Salt Bae’s love of tyrants.
1) He looks like a creep. Right? I mean, I don’t know what Salt Bae’s deal is, but anyone who is still rocking the 1993 drifter look needs to be watched closely. It wouldn’t even matter so much if his face wasn’t literally plastered throughout the restaurant making it so you can’t escape his aggressively sexual gaze and the nagging question of “what has he been doing with those elbows?” Pro Tip: If you’re gonna put your picture all over your restaurant at least be a little lovable. Like Papa Flannigan, whose jolly face does nothing but reassure you that rib rolls are on their way.
2) Ala carte meals are bullshit. There, I said it. No one orders a steak by itself. They are going to want a vegetable with it, so just factor that into the price of the meat. I don’t care if you charge me $80 for a steak, that’s cool, because I know it’s going to be an expensive meal. Just don’t make me feel bad about it by nickel and dimeing me on every single item. Just charge me $90 and then throw in a potato, dammit.
3) The salt show is stupid and forces you to awkwardly interact with Salt Bae or one of his somehow less impressive stand-ins. No one enjoys watching someone cut or salt meat, so when the “show” starts you’re going to be disappointed with how boring it is. What’s worse is the moment right after the show ends where you have to pretend that you were really impressed by someone cutting and salting meat, an act your mother did literally every goddamn night of the week without any praise whatsoever.
If you want a real show then maybe go to Benihana where at least they will make an onion volcano.
4) The name of his restaurant is unpronounceable. Nusr-Et? Really? I just call it “Not Sure Eat” because I’m not sure why I agreed to eat here.
5) There are so many people taking selfies at the restaurant that you cannot safely walk to the bathroom.
The tragedy of Salt Bae’s restaurant is that the food is pretty good. Wickedly overpriced, but not bad. But you can’t enjoy your meal because everyone around you is solely concerned with documenting every aspect of the meal on their phones and busy being seen at Salt Bae’s restaurant. The halls are adorned with tacky art and there are tacky cars outside and tacky people inside that are doing nothing but absentmindedly taking pictures of everything with their phone as they quietly wonder to themselves why they were being charged so much for spinach. This is the same experience you get when going to other really typical and very disappointing Miami restaurants (ahem Barton G), in which the owners spend more time on the restaurant’s gimmick than on the service, experience, or food.
Nusr-Et is not a bad restaurant, because it isn’t a restaurant. It is a place for shallow and insecure people to take photos that they can post online. That’s why Maduro went there, because he is shallow and insecure. All dictators are. No one goes to Salt Bae for the food, they go for the experience. Unfortunately for Salt Bae, the experience is lame and everyone that has it inevitably ends up going to Hillstone or Smith & Wollensky or Prime 112, or some other restaurant that focuses on good food and service the next time they want to celebrate something.