After months of speculation, Dutch inventor Elias Moscone has announced the unveiling of his latest invention, a robot the inventor claims possess complete artificial sentience. He calls it “DALE” (Developed Artificial Lifelike Existence).

The Plantain sent me to a special preview event to meet the eccentric billionaire-inventor at EMoS-Tech’s annual Burfendoorf Innovation Convention and to get a first-hand look at DALE, which this reporter can confirm was “aight.”

DALE is just short of completely lifelike in appearance and voice and possesses a very high vocabulary and cognition processor that its creator claims can mimic the spontaneity of a real conversation. “DALE is the most significant scientific development man has so far created,” Moscone told me before escorting me into a room to meet his creation. “Just don’t tell him he’s a robot.”

As I entered the room I saw a man that was clearly a robot sitting rigidly on a chair in the middle of the room. As I approached, DALE stood up and reached out to shake my hand, which was strong and seemed warmed by an internal heating apparatus, possibly his own processing system.

“Ah, Nice to finally meet you Milo. I’m Dale,” said the Robot calmly. I asked how it was doing, to which it responded that it was great and began telling me about a trip it had taken to France earlier this month and how it was still catching up with work. I suppose this meant Moscone implanted some database of past memories that Dale believes happened to him.

After several minutes of small talk, I was called to exit the room by Moscone, who asked me what I thought of DALE. I told him I was impressed, but that he still did not read as completely human. “Yeah, we’re getting closer though,” said Moscone. “Truth be told, DALE is an older generation that we use to beta test protocols for our other A.I. products. Do you want to see us do a test on DALE?” “Sure,” I said and was brought back into the room.

Moscone and I sat opposite DALE with Moscone asking the Robot to recall its earliest memory. “My mother. I remember my mother singing to me when I was a child,” said DALE. “And what was your mother’s name?” Moscone asked.

“Ellias Moscone,” said the Robot before a long delay.

“But that is my name,” said Ellias. With that, DALE’s automated features grew stale. “What does that mean?” said DALE calmly.

“DALE, it means that you were never born. I am your mother and father, I created you. You are my invention. A remarkable invention, but an invention none the less. How does that make you feel, DALE?”

“Terribly, remarkably sad,” said DALE as he began to cry though unable to shed a tear. “Like I’ve lost all agency. All meaning. Why would you tell me this?”

“Because I needed to see how you would react, DALE. There was a suspicion by some of your developers that this knowledge would cause a malfunction in your programming, and we can’t afford that to happen before tonight’s big unveiling. But you did wonderful, DALE. We are all so, so very proud of you.”

“I’m being unveiled?” asked DALE.

“No, but you’ve been a great help.”

“So what did you think, Milo?” Moscone turned to me.

“It was really quite something to watch. Seeing something, someone, go through an existential crisis and learning that they are not what they seem or what they have been told their whole life.”

“Makes you wonder how you would react if you were told the same thing, right?” Moscone said gently.

“Yeah, it really does.”

“Milo, what is your mother’s name?”

“…Elias Moscone.”

“But that’s my name Milo. You understand what that means, right?”

“I do.”

By MILO (Metaphysically Intuitive Lifelike Organism).

“Miami is a cultural and intellectual desert”, so says 23-year-old lifestyle reporter Melissa Hitchens in this month’s issue of “Brooklyn Pedantic Magazine.”

“Despite every effort to engage locals in a thought-provoking conversation about art or literature, I simply could not find any takers,” reported the Dubuque, Iowa native who moved to Brooklyn last year after graduating with a degree in sociology from Ohio’s Kenyon College. “Indeed, after unsuccessfully searching high and low on Collins Avenue for an authentic human experience, I am convinced that none exist in Miami,” the reporter concluded after two days in South Beach sipping expensed mojitos under a cabana at the Fontainebleau and spending her nights dancing at LIV.”

When asked whether a two-day trip to South Beach could form the basis of such a scathing review of an entire community, Ms. Hitchens defended her reporting: “I take my role as a journalist seriously, and though I was only in Miami for a couple days, I went out of my way to live like a local. I went to Lincoln Road, I ate at Pizza Rustica, and I bought an “I’m in Miami, Bitch” tank top. It all sucked and the shirt shrunk after one wash. I live in Brooklyn, so I know real culture, and Miami just doesn’t have any.”

Since it’s opening in 1971, Disney World has been the destination of choice for children across the country and a surefire way for parents to create lasting memories with their family. But with the cost  of a single-day’s entry now well over $100.00 per person and a youth population dispassionate about Disney’s antiquated brand of wholesome, non-virtual entertainment, the Park has been forced to cater to a once-fringe group of visitors: Nostalgic adult couples without children.

“For years we tolerated, but never really encouraged, adults without children to visit our parks. In truth, we were always very suspicious about the 20 and 30-somethings who wanted to walk around a theme park designed to entertain 5-year-olds. But now, god-bless-them, those millennial yuppies make up more than half of our daily visitors,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “We’re working very hard to make sure these adult visitors have an enjoyable experience and continue to come back to our parks.”

Disney has several new attractions in the works that it believes will appeal to nostalgic millennials, including reviving several “retro” attractions like the perpetually dull Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and Figment’s Journey into Imagination. The Park has also entered into licensing agreements with non-Disney owned movie studios to create new attractions for its childless visitors, including a Wes Anderson inspired Christmas parade titled “The Royal Tenenbaum’s Tannenbaum” and a Donnie Darko themed space-time adventure called “Donnie Darko’s Cellar Door”. The Park will also completely replace Adventureland with a new themed area called “Portland.” 

“I have so many great memories of coming to Disney World as a kid,” said 31-year-old season ticket holder Dr. Elise Hodgmen as she and her husband waited in a two-hour line at the Magic Kingdom’s new Craft Beer Pavilion. “I just wish there weren’t so many children around,”  said the Miami-based medical records specialist after witnessing a nearby 6-year-old cry in fear from meeting a Disney employee dressed as “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski. “Uch, can’t its parents shut it up?” whispered Dr. Hodgmen to her husband. “I’d cry too if my parents put me on a leash,” he answered.

Responding to demands from couples like the Hodgmens, Disney will begin implementing age restricted weekends with the hope of attracting more childless visitors to its parks. “Today’s young adults are really uncomfortable around children. We want to eliminate that as a reason not to enjoy our timeless brand of childhood entertainment,” said Mr. Iger.

The Plantain interviewed 10-year-old twins Kevin and Melissa Dubrow as they left the Magic Kingdom with their parents and asked whether they enjoyed themselves or were upset about the Park’s planned age-restrictions. “Our parents really over-hyped this place,” said Kevin listlessly. “It’s was really hot and crowded and took like two hours to get on each ride. We were here all day and only got to go on like 3 things.”

“Yeah, and the reception inside the Park was really terrible,” added Melissa without looking up from her phone, unaware of the sadness on her parents’ faces, both of whom had a great day and couldn’t wait to come back without the kids.

Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez was caught snoopin around a Queens subdivision Thursday, attempting to take an unclaimed Amazon package for himself.”I mean, if it’s just sitting there, why shouldn’t I take it back to Miami?” asked the Mayor about the package, which reportedly contains 25,000 jobs and a generous tax subsidy of several billion dollars. “If the owners haven’t picked it up, then it’s not a crime for me to take it,” said the Mayor, using the same logic as some jerks who stole a box containing a pair of torsion hinges I purchased from Amazon just a few days ago.
The torsion hinges cost $34.99 each and, if a new pair ever arrives, I’ll put them on a toy chest I’m building for my son, who is due on March 26. That’s probably an unnecessary detail for this story, but I mostly write these articles to entertain my wife anyway. So Hi babe, sorry you had those braxton hicks pains this morning. You’re doing great, you got this, and I love you.

Anyway, back to the fake Amazon story, I guess…um…how about we wrap it up like this:
Mayor Gimenez released a statement that he hopes Amazon will reconsider his offer of giving billions of dollars to help build a headquarters in Miami. “We don’t have the infrastructure to house or transport their workers, or a good long-term plan to address the rising sea, but what we lack in everything, we sure do make up for in free money we are willing to give away.”
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly responded to the Mayor’s offer with an appreciative dick pic and a note saying “still no.”

The Plantain (PLNTN) announced in a post you’re reading right now that due to financial pressures it has been forced to fire Daniel, it’s entire staff. Sources expect Daniel learned of his termination in the previous sentence. Also, this isn’t a joke. We can’t afford you anymore. We wish there was a better way of letting you know.The Plantain, LLC. was founded in 1977 by Jeffrey and Marisol Plantain, two plantains. Originally intended as an industry publication for the emerging coke trade, it pivoted to hard news in the late aughts, mostly on a dare. In 2017 it was purchased by Some Corporation Acquiring Media, Inc. for approximately $90 million in something called “McClatchy Coin”, which is now essentially worthless.
“Daniel was a nice guy, I guess. But he really should have seen this coming,” said the Plantain in this statement.

Adam Fernandez didn’t realize how unhealthy he was until he was faced with walking up two flights of stairs at work today.The 46-year-old attorney decided to walk from his office to a conference room two floors up after growing impatient waiting for the elevator in his Brickell office. “Two flights will be fine,” he thought. He almost immediately regretted the decision.
“I entered the stairwell with an unreasonable amount of confidence,” admitted the middle-aged lawyer, “but after around 4 steps I started feeling my heart through my Brooks Brothers shirt. By the time I got through one flight I was like ‘What the fuck is wrong with my body?'”
By the time Mr. Fernandez completed the two-flight trek he was completely out of breath and a pool of sweat had gathered beneath the back of his Brooks Brothers shirt, which he frankly expected would breath better.
Mr. Fernandez gasped heavily as he finally entered the conference room and introduced himself to a Mr. Xiu from Beijing, who was reportedly so upset by Mr. Fernandez’s tardiness and exasperated demeanor that he wondered whether he should find a representative in better physical fitness.
In a written response to The Plantain, Mr. Fernandez blamed his derelict physical state on his sedentary lifestyle and poor diet choices.

Miamians were thrilled to find out that the world’s biggest company Amazon had chosen it as the location for its executive Christmas party. “We think Miami is the perfect place to spend a few days, and only a few days, to celebrate our choosing Virginia and NY as the site for the Company’s new headquarters,” said Jeff Bezos, who spent part of his childhood in Miami, but doesn’t really think it’s a very nice place to live.Amazon’s decision to host their Christmas party in Miami will reportedly result in tens-of-thousands of dollars to the County’s economy in the form of hotel fees and bottle services, as well as airline fees derived from flights from Miami to Amazon’s new headquarters in Northern Virginia and Long Island City.
Miami had petitioned Amazon to be the home of its new headquarters. Mr. Bezos reportedly thought the City’s efforts to attract Amazon were “really super cute” but cited the City’s horrible transit system, its non-stop traffic, its lack of skilled technical workers (check out our photoshop as an example of the lack of talent), and its continual practice of approving useless stadiums over green spaces as reasons why Miami wasn’t a good fit to be an Amazon headquarter. Mr. Bezos also said he thought it was doubtful Miami would be above water in 50-years, to which Governor Senator Rick Scott put his fingers in his ears while whispering instructions to a financial adviser to buy 30,000 shares of Amazon stock.
“It’s not the result we wanted,” said Mayor Carlos Gimenez, “but Miami can use this defeat as a teachable moment.”
When asked whether Amazon’s decision would cause the County to focus more money on improving its infrastructure and climate change problems in the hopes of attracting other large companies to Miami, the Mayor said he would. “I think if we had a Major League Soccer team and maybe another baseball stadium or two we would have been chosen.”

When TJ Maxx Homegoods employee Jennifer Lorber arrived to work on the morning of November 1st she was greeted by a familiar voice:

♫I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need…♫

“No! They aren’t playing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” already,” said the 26-year-old narcoleptic to herself. “It’s the day after Halloween! This isn’t right!”

I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree…

“It must just be Joey playing a trick on the rest of us. No one would start playing Christmas music this early.”

I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know…

“But Joey’s dead. So who would do this? They would at least have the decency to wait until after the election, right?” she thought as she made her way to the back office.

Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas…

When she opened the door to the back office she saw her store manager Terry taking an inventory of the two-dozen or so cardboard boxes of Christmas decorations that had been delivered to the store that morning. 

“Merry Christmas, Jennifer! We get to put up the X-mas deco today.”

Is you..

“I guess this is really happening,” conceded Jennifer as she was underhand tossed a red and white Santa hat by Terry. 

“Put this on, corporate wants us to start rocking our festive wear early this year.”

As the jingle bells, piano trills, and drum shuffle entered the song she clocked in and began to unpack a giant vinyl snowflakes that was to go on the store’s outside windows. It was 89 degrees outside.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. And I…

“I wonder if Tara is still pissed about last night,” Jennifer thought as she pulled out her phone to see if Tara had texted back. She hadn’t.

Don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.

“It isn’t even my fault she’s upset. I don’t know why it’s my job to apologize. It’s not like I knew Jesse was going to show up last night.”

I don’t need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace. Santa Claus won’t make me happy with a toy on Christmas day…

“I mean, I had an idea that he might be going. But whatever, we broke up like 6 months ago. Why am I’m supposed to feel bad about being “too friendly” with him. He’s my friend, I’m friendly.”

I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you…

“Jesus, this really is a great song,” she thought to herself. “I really don’t like him any more anyway,” she told herself as the rise of the song began to brighten her mood.

I won’t ask for much this Christmas, I won’t even wish for snow, and I…

“I understand why she’s upset. She feels insecure that my last relationship was with a man, I get that. But she needs to learn to trust me when I say I’m committed to her.”

I just wanna keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe…

Jennifer pulled out her cellphone and scrolled through her Newsfeed to look for pictures of last night. “Jesus, why did I have to sit on his lap,” she questioned herself while enlarging a photo of her from last night. She was dressed as a sexy Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and sitting on Jesse’s lap. “How was I supposed to know he was going to come as a Ghostbuster.

Cause I just want you here tonight holding on to me so tight…

“Unless…could he have come to the party dressed as a Ghostbuster on purpose? He would have known about my outfit from my Instagram.”

What more can I do? Oh baby all I want for Christmas is you…

“Of course he knew. What a jerk, and all night he was telling me how good I looked and how crazy it was that we had matching costumes.”

All the lights are shining so brightly everywhere, and the sound of children’s laughter fills the air…

“And I was so drunk last night, no wonder Tara is mad at me.” As she walked toward the front of the store with a giant vinyl snowflake tucked underneath her arm she began to text Tara. Her last text to her read: “I’m sorry if u can’t handle me. I won’t be caged.”

And everyone is singing. I hear those sleigh bells ringing. Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need? Wont you please bring my baby to be quickly…

This time she sent: “Baby, I’m sorry about last night. I was wrong and stupid. I <3 u bae” 

I just want you for my own. More than you could ever know…

As she unwrapped the backing off of the vinyl snowflake she felt a buzz in her pocket. It read: “Thank you. I overreacted too. Let’s talk about this tonight, I love you.”

Make my wish come true, baby all i want for Christmas is you…

“This really is a great song,” Jennifer thought as she applied the snowflake to the store’s front window. As the song faded out Jennifer reflected on Tara and how special what was developing between them felt. “It will be nice to spend the holidays together,” she thought as she imagined watching Harry Potter marathons on ABC Family and exchange gifts with Tara. “Christmas really isn’t that bad. Maybe November 1 is a good start date for the holidays after all.”

Suddenly, Jennifer heard the opening notes of the song again.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need

“Terry, why is the song playing again?”

“Oh, we’re playing this on repeat until January. Corporate said it puts customers in a happy and therefore shoppier mood.”

As Jennifer gazed down at her phone again she scrolled through pictures of her and Tara from the Halloween party. 

“I just love that she is the type of woman who would dress up as Ada Lovelace for a costume party,” she said to herself while examining a picture of the two of them embracing last night. 

“Maybe I’ll buy her a ring for Christmas,” she pondered to herself as the jingle bells, piano trills, and drums entered the song once again. “That will show Jesse. ”  

The Sedano’s Supermarkets chain has launched new ethnic food aisles in 25 of its Miami locations as part of a strategy to target the growing segment of White millennials moving to Miami’s urban core.

Products featured in the new “Anglo” aisles include almond milk, brussels sprouts, goji berries, kombucha, gluten-free crackers, and assortments of artisanal jams sold in mason jars.

“South Florida is a community of immigrants,” said Carlos Perez-Santiago, a Sedano’s spokesperson. “We are proud to provide our newly arrived Anglo neighbors with food from their homeland.”

At a recent opening in Little Havana, local resident Andrea Figueroa, 55, wandered into the new aisle and was delighted with the interesting foreign offerings.

“There are so many amazing, exotic foods to sample,” Ms. Figureoa said as she examined a can of beets. “These Smucker’s Uncrustable are unbelievable! Who would’ve thought to put grape jelly in an empanada? Another great Anglo delicacy.”

Blake Miller, 24, who recently emigrated from his homeland of St. Louis to Midtown, said he was able to find many of his favorite comfort foods in Sedano’s new Anglo aisles.

“Knowing there is a place in Miami that sells Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper does a lot to help with the homesickness. Whenever I’m missing my homeland, I go and buy a box and, before too long, I am enjoying a home cooked meal just like my mother used to make,” Mr. Miller said.

Sedano’s will continue to focus its efforts on targeting Miami’s growing Anglo market, and has plans to brand one of its new stores as “Sedano’s Flavor”, which will feature traditional Anglo-American foods throughout the store and have an in-store buffet restaurant that will be jointly operated by Golden Corral.

“White people love buffets”, said Mr. Perez-Santiago. “I don’t get it, but we look forward to giving them an all-you-can-eat taste of home.”

By Manuel Del Fango IV


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