After years of petitions, the Internal Revenue Service announced Wednesday that it has finally recognized Versailles Restaurant, the iconic Little Havana cafeteria that serves as the spiritual center for Miami’s Cuban population, as a taxed-exempt place of worship. The restaurant will now be known as “La Iglesias de la Ventanita.”

Since its opening in 1971, Versailles has been the heart of Miami’s Cuban community and a place of holy refuge during crucial moments in Cuban-American history, including the Elian Gonzales incident and the Café Bustelo shortage of 1995, which claimed 6 lives. The decision to recognize the restaurant as a designated house of worship was instigated when an IRS official reviewed tape of the celebration outside of the restaurant following the death of Fidel Castro. “We saw an entire community come together at a central location to praise god,” said an IRS representative. “If that isn’t a church then I don’t know what is.”

The newly minted church will hold its first service on Monday, with a special benediction by Padre Alberto Cutié and entertainment from an elderly Celia Cruz impersonator who will just scream “Azucar!” over and over and that’s it.

Upon their arrival, congregants will be asked to anoint themselves with a mixture of Royal Violet baby cologne, Fabuloso, and Vick’s Vapor Rub before reciting a selection of traditional prayers such as “Sana Sana Colita de Rana”, “Elian, Amigo, Miami Estas Con Tigo”, and “Mata Fidel” in their traditional Spanglish. Following prayers, the Church will offer sacraments in the form of Cafecitos to represent the caffeinated blood of Christ and Pastelitos (in either Guayaba, Queso, or Carne) to represent the savior’s sweet, cheesy, or meaty body.

The Plantain spoke to self-proclaimed church representative, some random old man who acts like he owns the place, about the church’s membership policy. “The Church will not discriminate against anyone,” said the man, who explained that Versailles will, as it has always, “continue to welcome all Cubans and Presidential candidates, and absolutely no one else.”

By Ariel Huguet

McDonald’s across Miami-Dade County will be offering a limited time “Miami Spice” menu in an effort to attract foodies who might not otherwise eat at the Golden Arches. The exclusive price fixed menu, available until September 30, will feature classic McDonald’s dishes such as “cheeseburgers” and “nuggets” at massively inflated prices. For $39, diners will be offered french fries as an appetizer, the choice of either two single-patty cheeseburgers or 6 nuggets as an entree, and a fountain soda as a desert. Ketchup and bar-b-q sauce is available for a slight surcharge and diners can substitute their entree for a filet of fish for an additional $12.

“What a great experience!” said Esmarelda Velasquez of Coral Gables as she and her husband stepped over a drunken homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk outside of the Bird Road McDonalds. The Velasquezeseses, dressed in evening attire, said that they had a wonderful evening and enjoyed coupling the nostalgia of eating at a McDonald’s with the satisfaction of being able to pay 13 times more than the meal is worth.

“A cheeseburger just tastes better when it costs $39,” said Damian Velasquez as he waited for his car from the McDonalds valet.

Newlyweds Desmond and Molly Jones were dismayed to arrive at the beachfront vacation rental they booked on Airbnb to discover it was really just a discarded mattress abutting the shore.

“The amenities aren’t what we expected, but you really can’t beat this view,” said Desmond to his wife, desperately trying to put a positive spin on the situation. “Don’t you dare, Des!” said Molly, who begged her husband to spend the extra money on the honeymoon suite at the Setai. As she began to loudly cry she woke the homeless man already sleeping on the mattress. “Get the fuck out of my home!” yelled the man at the couple before falling back asleep.

Desperate to find alternative accommodations, the Columbus, Ohio couple ordered an Uber but were similarly disappointed to find that the 2015 Toyota Camry that they had expected to show up was actually an old white Econoline mini-van driven by an elderly Cuban man listening to Justin Bieber too loudly.

“Can you turn it down!” yelled Desmond to the driver who just ignored him. “I don’t think he speaks English,” he told his wife, who couldn’t even anymore.

After being turned away from several luxury hotels without vacancies on South Beach, the couple was told by Xavier Hernandes, a valet at the Fontainebleau who overheard their fight, that his parents in Hialeah rented their place on Airbnb and could accommodate. “Hialeah is beautiful, you’ll love it,” said the valet. “See honey, things are going to work out,” smiled Desmond to his wife who at this point just wanted to go home and rethink some things.

After waiting for Xavier to get off of his shift, the 20-year-old drove the couple to his parent’s rental property, which unbeknownst to the Midwestern couple was actually just several discarded couches lining a street of row houses.

“What the fuck, Desmond! This isn’t the honeymoon I imagined!” said Molly, breaking down. “I’m not sleeping out here, it isn’t safe! And these couches are covered with chickens!”

“Look, do you think this is what I wanted? I am trying my hardest to make this work.”

“Well, maybe this just isn’t…supposed to work.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I just…maybe this is a sign, Des. If we can’t even do a honeymoon right, maybe it’s stupid for us to think we can actually build a life together.”

“Are you serious?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe we rushed into this.”

“Babe, it’s just, it’s just a mix-up. We’ll laugh about this one day,” said Desmond, tears forming in his eyes.

“I hope so, but I need to get back to Ohio to think about it,” said Molly as she ordered another Uber to take her back to the airport.

“Don’t do this, Molly,” said Desmond to his new wife as she got into what she was told would be a 2016 Prius but was actually a wooden rickshaw driven by a worldly Rastafarian type.

As Desmond watched his wife ride away Xavier returned from inside his house. “Hey man, your room is ready.”

“What do you mean? You said we had to sleep on these discarded couches,” said Desmond.

“Bro, I was just fuckin’ with you. We got a queen bed for you inside and in the morning my Abuela will make you breakfast. Hey, where’d your girl go?”

By Milo

Since it’s opening in 1971, Disney World has been the destination of choice for children across the country and a surefire way for parents to create lasting memories with their family. But with the cost  of a single-day’s entry now well over $100.00 per person and a youth population dispassionate about Disney’s antiquated brand of wholesome, non-virtual entertainment, the Park has been forced to cater to a once-fringe group of visitors: Nostalgic adult couples without children.

“For years we tolerated, but never really encouraged, adults without children to visit our parks. In truth, we were always very suspicious about the 20 and 30-somethings who wanted to walk around a theme park designed to entertain 5-year-olds. But now, god-bless-them, those millennial yuppies make up more than half of our daily visitors,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “We’re working very hard to make sure these adult visitors have an enjoyable experience and continue to come back to our parks.”

Disney has several new attractions in the works that it believes will appeal to nostalgic millennials, including reviving several “retro” attractions like the perpetually dull Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and Figment’s Journey into Imagination. The Park has also entered into licensing agreements with non-Disney owned movie studios to create new attractions for its childless visitors, including a Wes Anderson inspired Christmas parade titled “The Royal Tenenbaum’s Tannenbaum” and a Donnie Darko themed space-time adventure called “Donnie Darko’s Cellar Door”. The Park will also completely replace Adventureland with a new themed area called “Portland.” 

“I have so many great memories of coming to Disney World as a kid,” said 31-year-old season ticket holder Dr. Elise Hodgmen as she and her husband waited in a two-hour line at the Magic Kingdom’s new Craft Beer Pavilion. “I just wish there weren’t so many children around,”  said the Miami-based medical records specialist after witnessing a nearby 6-year-old cry in fear from meeting a Disney employee dressed as “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski. “Uch, can’t its parents shut it up?” whispered Dr. Hodgmen to her husband. “I’d cry too if my parents put me on a leash,” he answered.

Responding to demands from couples like the Hodgmens, Disney will begin implementing age restricted weekends with the hope of attracting more childless visitors to its parks. “Today’s young adults are really uncomfortable around children. We want to eliminate that as a reason not to enjoy our timeless brand of childhood entertainment,” said Mr. Iger.

The Plantain interviewed 10-year-old twins Kevin and Melissa Dubrow as they left the Magic Kingdom with their parents and asked whether they enjoyed themselves or were upset about the Park’s planned age-restrictions. “Our parents really over-hyped this place,” said Kevin listlessly. “It’s was really hot and crowded and took like two hours to get on each ride. We were here all day and only got to go on like 3 things.”

“Yeah, and the reception inside the Park was really terrible,” added Melissa without looking up from her phone, unaware of the sadness on her parents’ faces, both of whom had a great day and couldn’t wait to come back without the kids.

After months of speculation, Dutch inventor Elias Moscone has announced the unveiling of his latest invention, a robot the inventor claims possess complete artificial sentience. He calls it “DALE” (Developed Artificial Lifelike Existence).

The Plantain sent me to a special preview event to meet the eccentric billionaire-inventor at EMoS-Tech’s annual Burfendoorf Innovation Convention and to get a first-hand look at DALE, which this reporter can confirm was “aight.”

DALE is just short of completely lifelike in appearance and voice and possesses a very high vocabulary and cognition processor that its creator claims can mimic the spontaneity of a real conversation. “DALE is the most significant scientific development man has so far created,” Moscone told me before escorting me into a room to meet his creation. “Just don’t tell him he’s a robot.”

As I entered the room I saw a man that was clearly a robot sitting rigidly on a chair in the middle of the room. As I approached, DALE stood up and reached out to shake my hand, which was strong and seemed warmed by an internal heating apparatus, possibly his own processing system.

“Ah, Nice to finally meet you Milo. I’m Dale,” said the Robot calmly. I asked how it was doing, to which it responded that it was great and began telling me about a trip it had taken to France earlier this month and how it was still catching up with work. I suppose this meant Moscone implanted some database of past memories that Dale believes happened to him.

After several minutes of small talk, I was called to exit the room by Moscone, who asked me what I thought of DALE. I told him I was impressed, but that he still did not read as completely human. “Yeah, we’re getting closer though,” said Moscone. “Truth be told, DALE is an older generation that we use to beta test protocols for our other A.I. products. Do you want to see us do a test on DALE?” “Sure,” I said and was brought back into the room.

Moscone and I sat opposite DALE with Moscone asking the Robot to recall its earliest memory. “My mother. I remember my mother singing to me when I was a child,” said DALE. “And what was your mother’s name?” Moscone asked.

“Ellias Moscone,” said the Robot before a long delay.

“But that is my name,” said Ellias. With that, DALE’s automated features grew stale. “What does that mean?” said DALE calmly.

“DALE, it means that you were never born. I am your mother and father, I created you. You are my invention. A remarkable invention, but an invention none the less. How does that make you feel, DALE?”

“Terribly, remarkably sad,” said DALE as he began to cry though unable to shed a tear. “Like I’ve lost all agency. All meaning. Why would you tell me this?”

“Because I needed to see how you would react, DALE. There was a suspicion by some of your developers that this knowledge would cause a malfunction in your programming, and we can’t afford that to happen before tonight’s big unveiling. But you did wonderful, DALE. We are all so, so very proud of you.”

“I’m being unveiled?” asked DALE.

“No, but you’ve been a great help.”

“So what did you think, Milo?” Moscone turned to me.

“It was really quite something to watch. Seeing something, someone, go through an existential crisis and learning that they are not what they seem or what they have been told their whole life.”

“Makes you wonder how you would react if you were told the same thing, right?” Moscone said gently.

“Yeah, it really does.”

“Milo, what is your mother’s name?”

“…Elias Moscone.”

“But that’s my name Milo. You understand what that means, right?”

“I do.”

By MILO (Metaphysically Intuitive Lifelike Organism).

“Miami is a cultural and intellectual desert”, so says 23-year-old lifestyle reporter Melissa Hitchens in this month’s issue of “Brooklyn Pedantic Magazine.”

“Despite every effort to engage locals in a thought-provoking conversation about art or literature, I simply could not find any takers,” reported the Dubuque, Iowa native who moved to Brooklyn last year after graduating with a degree in sociology from Ohio’s Kenyon College. “Indeed, after unsuccessfully searching high and low on Collins Avenue for an authentic human experience, I am convinced that none exist in Miami,” the reporter concluded after two days in South Beach sipping expensed mojitos under a cabana at the Fontainebleau and spending her nights dancing at LIV.”

When asked whether a two-day trip to South Beach could form the basis of such a scathing review of an entire community, Ms. Hitchens defended her reporting: “I take my role as a journalist seriously, and though I was only in Miami for a couple days, I went out of my way to live like a local. I went to Lincoln Road, I ate at Pizza Rustica, and I bought an “I’m in Miami, Bitch” tank top. It all sucked and the shirt shrunk after one wash. I live in Brooklyn, so I know real culture, and Miami just doesn’t have any.”

Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez was caught snoopin around a Queens subdivision Thursday, attempting to take an unclaimed Amazon package for himself.”I mean, if it’s just sitting there, why shouldn’t I take it back to Miami?” asked the Mayor about the package, which reportedly contains 25,000 jobs and a generous tax subsidy of several billion dollars. “If the owners haven’t picked it up, then it’s not a crime for me to take it,” said the Mayor, using the same logic as some jerks who stole a box containing a pair of torsion hinges I purchased from Amazon just a few days ago.
The torsion hinges cost $34.99 each and, if a new pair ever arrives, I’ll put them on a toy chest I’m building for my son, who is due on March 26. That’s probably an unnecessary detail for this story, but I mostly write these articles to entertain my wife anyway. So Hi babe, sorry you had those braxton hicks pains this morning. You’re doing great, you got this, and I love you.

Anyway, back to the fake Amazon story, I guess…um…how about we wrap it up like this:
Mayor Gimenez released a statement that he hopes Amazon will reconsider his offer of giving billions of dollars to help build a headquarters in Miami. “We don’t have the infrastructure to house or transport their workers, or a good long-term plan to address the rising sea, but what we lack in everything, we sure do make up for in free money we are willing to give away.”
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly responded to the Mayor’s offer with an appreciative dick pic and a note saying “still no.”

The Plantain (PLNTN) announced in a post you’re reading right now that due to financial pressures it has been forced to fire Daniel, it’s entire staff. Sources expect Daniel learned of his termination in the previous sentence. Also, this isn’t a joke. We can’t afford you anymore. We wish there was a better way of letting you know.The Plantain, LLC. was founded in 1977 by Jeffrey and Marisol Plantain, two plantains. Originally intended as an industry publication for the emerging coke trade, it pivoted to hard news in the late aughts, mostly on a dare. In 2017 it was purchased by Some Corporation Acquiring Media, Inc. for approximately $90 million in something called “McClatchy Coin”, which is now essentially worthless.
“Daniel was a nice guy, I guess. But he really should have seen this coming,” said the Plantain in this statement.

Adam Fernandez didn’t realize how unhealthy he was until he was faced with walking up two flights of stairs at work today.The 46-year-old attorney decided to walk from his office to a conference room two floors up after growing impatient waiting for the elevator in his Brickell office. “Two flights will be fine,” he thought. He almost immediately regretted the decision.
“I entered the stairwell with an unreasonable amount of confidence,” admitted the middle-aged lawyer, “but after around 4 steps I started feeling my heart through my Brooks Brothers shirt. By the time I got through one flight I was like ‘What the fuck is wrong with my body?'”
By the time Mr. Fernandez completed the two-flight trek he was completely out of breath and a pool of sweat had gathered beneath the back of his Brooks Brothers shirt, which he frankly expected would breath better.
Mr. Fernandez gasped heavily as he finally entered the conference room and introduced himself to a Mr. Xiu from Beijing, who was reportedly so upset by Mr. Fernandez’s tardiness and exasperated demeanor that he wondered whether he should find a representative in better physical fitness.
In a written response to The Plantain, Mr. Fernandez blamed his derelict physical state on his sedentary lifestyle and poor diet choices.