Employers throughout Miami-Dade County are reeling from the sudden downturn in productivity caused by employees taking advantage of the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana and calling in Jewish to work this morning. “Today is the Jewish New Year, a time for solemn self-reflection and definitely not for working in a god damn cubicle,” said Christian Paisley, a self-described servant of Christ who says he really needed another day off of work. “Judaism is a beautiful religion, and as a spiritual person I have incorporated its days off into my own devotional practice.”The Plantain reached out to its economist, Arthur Hershelbaum, for a better understanding of how such widespread absenteeism impacts the local economy. Mr. Hershelbaum, who also took off of work today, could not immediately be reached for comment, but did eventually send a text message from Pinecrest delicatessen Roasters N’ Toasters that stated that the economic effect of spontaneous exercises of religious devotion was “probably significant,” and also that his pastrami sandwich is “delish, boychik!”
At the downtown white-shoe law firm of McDonald & Lee, 29-year-old associate attorney and actual Jewish person Laura Blumberg reported to the Plantain that despite being the only Jew that worked in her office she was the only attorney to actually show up to work today. When asked why she did not take advantage of her heritable right to stay home, the unmarried Yale Law School graduate responded that if she had taken the day off she would have felt obligated to visit her mother and field a never-ending stream of questions about her personal life.
This reporter spoke to Laura’s mother, 55-year-old Ethel Blumberg of Boca Raton, about Laura’s decision to work on the high holiday, to which Ethel spent 20-minutes asking about my own family history to assess whether I was at risk for Tay-Sachs Disease before inviting me to join her family for dinner to meet Laura’s younger sister Jessica, whom she described as “a very cute 24-year-old who was still trying to find herself. Not too thin, but with a nice figure.” When asked why she had not thought of me for Laura, Ethel, very bluntly, said that while I seemed nice Laura was a beautiful and brilliant lawyer who, despite her age, still had a lot of option and probably wouldn’t be stimulated by a reporter for a fake newspaper.

As summer comes to a close, parents are readying their children to return to school. But along with the usual stops at office supply stores for composition notebooks, protractors, and calculators, an increasing number of parents are also heading to gun dealers to pick up handguns for their children to bring to school.

“It’s for their protection and my own peace of mind,” said Amy-Dawn Sullivan, a mother-of-four from Bradenton, Florida as she purchased several handguns and KEVLAR backpacks for her children.

“The world is a sick, sick place,” said Ms. Sullivan as she handed her six-year-old daughter Margaret a pink ATI FX45 Titan Compact pistol to handle. “I need to know my children are safe, and the best way to make sure that they are is to make sure that they are armed,” explained Ms. Sullivan as she bent down to assess whether Margaret’s finger is long enough to pull the gun’s trigger. “I’m gonna shoot all the bad guys!” said Margaret, a rising first grader at Harris-Klebold Elementary School, adding “PEW PEW! BANG BANG!” with a giggle. “Yes, you are, little girl. Yes, you are!” Ms. Sullivan replied to her daughter.

While bringing a firearm to a school is still illegal in most of the country, many school districts have relaxed their “no tolerance” gun policies for the upcoming year after petitions from NRA-backed parent organization. While these policy changes have been criticized by those that believe a fully-armed student body will necessarily lead to more gun deaths and injuries, such criticisms are unfair according to David “Duke” Robinson, President of Florida’s Guns for Kids initiative.

“Whether liberals want to admit it or not, the only way to protect our children from the constant threats they face from there being so many guns and so much gun violence is to make sure that they are heavily armed,” said Mr. Robinson as he stood next to his 11-year-old son Harley. When asked whether he felt comfortable bringing a gun to school, Harley said in a soft and quivering voice that he did. “My gun is the only thing stopping me and everyone I care about from guaranteed death at the hands of people who hate my freedom,” whimpered the boy before twitching with fear as a nearby gate banged shut.

When asked if he would prefer his school equip itself with metal detectors and security guards to ensure that no guns were brought into his school, the boy sighed with relief and said “oh yes, that would be fanta…” before his father coughed and Harley changed his answer mid-sentence: “No, that would abridge my Second Amendment right and would ensure that me and my friends are unable to defend ourselves from the eventual slaughter that is planned for all white, Christian American children by,” he looked up at his father who nodded with approval, “by the radical Islamic terrorist forces.”

Gun dealers like Earl Shackelford are taking advantage of the newfound desire of parents to arm their children and hoping to attract customers to his store by offering discounted “Back To School” prices and specials.

“We’re giving a free box of pencils away with every box of ammo purchased before Labor-Day, as well as a buy-one-get-one deal on select compact handguns for families with multiple children so parents on a budget don’t have to worry about only arming some of their children,” said Mr. Shackelford, as he rung up an AR-15 assault rifle for 15-year-old Keith Lee Wilcox.

“This is exactly why I got into this business,” said Mr. Shackelford as he smiled at Mr. Wilcox and asked the pale boy if he was excited for the first day of school. “Oh I can’t wait until school starts so I can make some lasting memories,” said Mr. Wilcox in an ominous and deadpan voice. “I have a feeling no one is going to forget the first day of school this year…no one”, added the boy as he stroked his newly purchased assault rifle and asked Mr. Shackelford for 400-rounds of ammunition.

As Mr. Wilcox exited the store, Mr. Shackelford remarked, “God bless that boy. People are going to be mighty glad that he has that gun when some deranged person tries to attack his school.”

By Daniel Jimenez of Villain Theater

In an effort to control costs, the Miami Herald announced today that it will no longer publish vowels, opting to instead communicate the news through consonants, numbers, and, where appropriate, emojis. The decision comes as a response to years of decreasing ad revenues caused by the declining readership of an increasingly illiterate public. “Oh, I don’t read the paper,” said every person we could find to comment on the story under the age of 40.

The Plantain reached out to The Miami Herald for comment via telephone, but a response could not be heard over the vocalized writhing and resume typing of reporters in the Herald’s newsroom. The Herald did, however, issue the following statement in the form of a letter from publisher Alexandra Villoch in this morning’s paper:

Dr Hrld rdrs,

Th Mm Hrld hs wrkd 2 kpwth mdrn 🕙. Strtng 2dy, Th Hrld wll nt prnt vwls. Th dcsn ws nt ez, bt ws ncssry.

Ths nw frmt wll nt mpct th ppr’s qlty or rprtng.

Sncrly,

👧

This is, of course, not the first effort by the Herald to cut its costs in recent years. Other measures include naming Google Translate as editor of El Nuevo Herald, decreasing the footprint of the paper’s local section, and publishing fewer facts.

Lincoln Road was named the “Best Place for Unsupervised Children to Play at Midnight,” by the Miami New Times. Specifically, the creepy hill outside of the Pizza Rustica was singled out as a cultural landmark and a place where children of all ages, but especially those under 7, can run around without a care in the world at all hours of the night while their drunk parents casually smoke cigarettes at a nearby cafe.”I don’t know what I’m going to do, this store was all I had” said Diana Flores, owner of a nearby clothing boutique she will soon close due to increasing rent prices. When pressed about the “Best of” distinction, the woman just started to cry to herself as a bunch of children screaming in German ran passed a “Going Out of Business” sign she had placed outside of her store. “Whose kids are these?” she asked through her tears. But no one knows.
As rent prices continue to increase, long time local businesses are being forced to leave Lincoln Road and are being replaced by corporate tenants including probably dozens of GAPs, H&Ms, Wal-Marts, Amazon Fulfillment Centers, and Bubba Gump Shrimps. To the businesses displaced by the rent increases, the takeover of Lincoln Road by conglomerated tenants represents the destruction of a South Florida cultural landmark.
“There was a time when a tourist could leave their four year old to run around the crowded pedestrian mall while they ordered drinks from a local restaurant for what they thought was $15 but turned out to be $80. I guess those days are gone. This entire road will be full of Applebees before you know it,” said restaurateur Amos Fernandez-Brandt as he causally tossed a few scraps of leftover meat to the unsupervised children playing near his dumpster. “Whose children are these?” he asked. But no one knows.
But not everyone is upset about the rent increases. “I think this is great. The last thing we want on Miami Beach is tourism,” said a Miami Beach resident on the Clean Up Miami Beach Facebook group . “Now if only we can get rid of all of those kids running around the City, then Miami Beach will be the quiet little beach community it used to be before I ever wanted to move here in the first place.”

Miami is due to get an amazing new destination mall at a cost of $4 billion, and at six million square feet, it will be twice the size of the biggest existing mall in the US. Called American Dream, the retail and entertainment complex has just been approved by the Miami-Dade County Commission.1. It’s in the middle of nowhere, so plenty of parking!
2. 113 Auntie Anne’s.

3. Hoards and hoards of stray cats.
4. A kiosk selling candy that’s illegal in the U.S.
5. A Burdines.

6. Employees texting while you’re trying to check out.
7. Improv comedy performed in the lobby of an onsite bank.

8. Mario Diaz-Balart

9. A second Mario Diaz-Balart for when your first one runs out.

10. Elderly people sitting on leather chairs charging their cell phone.

11. A DJ playing to an empy jeans store.
12. A Chick-Fil-A (but it’s closed today).

13. An Olympic sized track cafeteria surrounded by Asian restaurants that will feed you a bite of teriyaki chicken upon the completion of every lap.

14. The last Blockbuster video, but it’s closing soon.

15. The mall is in the shape of a Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!


16. The murder rate is like really low, all things considered.
17. Live music every day, but its too god damn loud.
18. Israelis trying to sell you cell phone cases.

19. A 37-year old shopping at Forever 21.
20. Foreigners carrying empty suitcases.

21. An old Cuban man masturbating in the bathroom.
22. The last Claire’s.
23. JNCOs!

24. A young Pitbull trying to sell you his mixtape.

25. Thousands of workers not making a living wage.
26. An uncomfortable child with his parents in a Spencers.

27. Spaniards with their collars popped.

28. Your dad buying Jewelry, which you think is sweet that he would get something for your mom after all these years, but then he never gives it to your mom, so you’re all like “Holy shit. Is dad having an affair?”.
29. A Dippin’ Dots ice cream stand.
30. A disappointed child next to the Dippin’ Dots.

31. A Pizza Rustica that closes down every two weeks and moves to a different location.

32. A man with a homemade sign warning those who pass by about the mafia.

33. Dan Marino reluctantly signing autographs while eyeing potential locations for a new Dan Marino’s Grill.

34. Allen’s Drugs sigh, but inside it’s just a CVS.

35. A rickshaw operated by someone name Dick Shaw.
36. A teenage couple breaking up in the food court.
37. A Virgin Record Store that is a portal back to 1996 and in which you can see a pre-Don’t Speak No Doubt making an in-store appearance. They won’t be performing, but they are signing autographs!

38. Free smells!

39. A somehow more expensive but worse version of Benihana.

40. An Apple employee condescendingly making fun of the Microsoft store employee.
41. Teenagers buying the clothes I wore in high school twenty years later from Urban Outfitters for twice as much as they cost when they were new.

42. Liam Gallagher! Look at that, that’s pretty cool.

43. Suicide booths.
44. A murdered drug informant from the 80’s.
45. A developer scoping out where they can build a hotel tower and yacht marina.
46. Donna Shalala’s 347 Grill.

47. Kristin Rosen Gonzales, god bless her, just trying her hardest, poor thing.

48. A Cuban Guys restaurant.

49. A Brookstone employee learning to tie a tie for the first time.

50. A child on a leash

51. A dog in a baby carriage

52. A young Joan Cusack

53. A Sergio’s that is always out of ham croquettas.
54. A mattress store with no practical way to carry that mattress to your car.
.
55. An abandoned corridor with a Christian book store and a place that sells Marlins branded clothing and accessories
56. A Sound Advice run by my high school girlfriend’s father.

57. A teenager on drugs. Several, in fact. Also, adults on drugs. But they are all trying to hide it.

58. Que Pasa USA VR experience.
59. An Earls Kitchen + Bar that conspicuously only hires really sexy people. How is that possible? Why are they so good looking?

60. “Mares” – Claire’s for horse accessories
61. A group home for children who got lost in the mall and just live there now.
62. A Medieval Times funded by The Knight Foundation, but it’s not THAT Knight Foundation.

63. A bunch of Gulliver students smoking cigarettes outside of a Starbucks.
64. A man stomping away from an argument with his spouse. Where is he going to go? He’s not going to leave her at the mall, that will only make things worse. He’ll just get a pretzel from Auntie Anne’s and come sulking back to her to apologize.
65. An FIU extension course offering an MBA in business management.

66. Literally hundreds of thousands of places to buy ceramic hair straighteners.

67. Confession Booths.
68. A toy store that only sells those little toy dogs that flip.

69. A combination Books-a-Million/Taco Bell
70. A little kid dressed like Spider-Man, he probably shouldn’t be dressing up like this but it’s good that his parents support his choices. Still, he will probably have issues later in life but it will probably be OK.
71. A cold churro store.
72. A guy helping with parking that you can’t tell if he is hired by anyone.
73. Plenty of flashers.
74. A sound proof room where people that try to get people to try hand creams can go to scream.
75. A sensory deprivation chamber that tweens confuse for an Abercrombie and Fitch.
76. A major league soccer stadium.
77. Wheelchairs R Us.
78. An American Doll Store/Nightclub.

79. A sex store for Joe Garcia to buy dildos.

80. A pasion de cielo next to a Starbucks that I feel bad for not going to but I’m not going to go to.
81. The “Bodies” exhibit but it’s just mirrors.
82. Death, mortality and lack of contentment.
83. “Things I Used to Wore.” It’s a store that just has shirts I used to wear in 2005 but don’t really fit me anymore.
84. Versailles (the French one).

85. A nitrogen ice cream store that used to be a Menchies that used to be a cupcake store that used to be a Cold Stones.

86. A Macy’s and a ghetto Macy’s.

87. Invasive Species Petting Zoo.

88. An arcade only filled with that one X-Men game from the 90s.

89. Hundreds and hundreds of Britto statues, fixtures, and mementos.

90. A sign at the entrance that says “Congrats! you’re killing the Everglades just by being here”
91. A theme park, indoor ski resort, and submarine exhibit that no one in Miami will go to more than once and no one outside of Miami will travel to the fucking Everglades to visit.

92. Black Friday sales, everyday.

93. A group of sad monks on duty to talk nonsense.

944. An unauthorized mural soon to be the subject of a lawsuit by Aholsniffsglue

A group of geese is called a gaggle, a group of crows is called a murder, and a group of birds is called both a flock and a flight. But what about groups of technology?Dr. Samuel Palmer, a linguistic professor at the University of Miami published a paper in the school’s JOURNAL OF COOL NEW WORDS AND JUNK titled “Artificial Identification: Collective Nouns and Their Applicability To Mass Technologies,” in which he argues that the ubiquity of technology features such as artificial intelligence, smart contracts, communication tools, blockchange, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, requires the English language to reevaluate how we describe technology.
“Like it or not, technology has become a more and more prominent feature of day to day life. We don’t use technology anymore, we interact with it. Our language must adapt to recognize that a group of things can be more than just a collection of things…it can be a community.”
The Plantain pressed Dr. Palmer on his rationale, eventually forcing him to concede that he wants our future robotic overlords to recognize his contributions to robotic equality.
So what are some of Dr. Samuel Palmer’s proposed technological classification?
A garbage of iPods
A distraction of smartphones
A douche of Birds (scooter)
A harem of Alexas
A mirage of Bitcoin
A Linken Park Fan of vape pens
A Frazzle of Teslas
A disappointment of Blurays
A Murphy Brown of televisions
A library of Macbooks
A tangle of chargers
A blubber of Fitbits
An overcompensation of gaming PCs
A nursery of YouTubers
When asked how he decided on what to call the technological groupings, Dr. Palmer admitted that, like the terms for all collective nouns, the names were just what sounded funniest. “Those people who ride the Bird scooters are douches though.”

Your childhood isn’t the only thing being killed as part of Toys R Us’s’s’s bankruptcy. The Plantain has learned that nearly 3000-pound puppies will reportedly be destroyed as part of the companies ongoing bankruptcy and liquidation sale.”It’s the only way forward,” said a 94-year-old man in a bowtie running the soon-to-be-bankrupt company. “We are doing everything we can to get rid of our remaining assets,” said granddad over there, who personally oversaw the hiring of over 1000 employees whose only job is to stand on the street corners outside of Toys R Us’s’s’ with signs that say the company is going out of business. “Hiring these men, who are literally doing the job of a staple on a tree, but who we have to pay, is a great example of how Toys R Us can still innovate during bankruptcy with the type of ideas that put us in bankruptcy.”
“Do they even make pound puppies anymore?” this 30-something writing the article asked the old man. “I suppose I could look it up…but the headline really is the joke. If anything the rest of this just detracts.”

George Jacobs has always had a difficult relationship with his thirty-three year-old daughter Martha. The conflict started when Martha was nine and her father scolded her in front of her entire class for spilling juice on herself before a dance recital, and escalated three years later when George left Martha’s mother for a woman he met online, moved several states away to start a new family, and ceased supporting Martha financially.

“I have hated or was petrified of my dad for all of my teens and most of my twenties,” said Martha candidly. “During that time we hardly saw each other and would speak infrequently. There was even a period of about six years where we completely lost touch,” said the married graphic designer who herself is a mother of two. “Around the time I had my second child, however, my dad started to reach out to me more frequently. Today, we have a distant yet cordial relationship, something I’m quite proud of.”

Martha’s complicated relationship with her father made shopping for Father’s Day cards a difficult task. “Even though I still have love for the man because he is technically my father, I also very much resent him. I was having a difficult time finding a card that expressed both feelings,” said Martha.

And thus, a new business was born.

Martha began selling greeting cards for bad fathers online and at local markets, and soon found she could not keep up with demand.

“I was blown away by the response,” said Martha, who sold out of her 1000 card run during her first Father’s Day season. “I had no idea there were so many people who loved but also sort of hated their father. I thought it was just me.”

Martha’s business has grabbed the attention of greeting card giant Hallmark, who began selling Martha’s cards in their stores in March. “They have been an absolute hit,” said Hallmark’s V.P. of sales Evelyn Bolton who also has a less-than-stellar relationship with her father Joel. “Our stores cannot keep up with the demand.”

The Plantain sat with George Jacobs to see what he thought of his daughter’s success. “I’m so proud of her. She takes after me, you know. She has my drive,” said Mr. Jacobs, to which his daughter scoffed and muttered “of course he is going to make this about him” under her breath.

By Daniel JimenezAs I sit in the center of what was once a bustling store filled with the smiles of children, I reflect that today it may be Toys”R”Us, but tomorrow it could be any one of us.
What was once a refuge for the weary child is now a barren space, utterly devoid of the joy it used to bring. Where did that magic go? Was it in the employees who were so carelessly tossed aside? Did it come from the toys that used to line the now empty shelves? Perhaps it came from the laughter of the children who would run wild throughout the store.
I was one such child, filled to the brim with glee at the mere prospect of entering a Toys”R”Us. Money was not required; a child could be penniless and still experience all the store had to offer. The stuffed animals laying about in the middle of aisles, the video game demos that were almost certainly broken, the wailing of other kids who had been told they were not going home with whatever they had asked of their parents; all this and more were part of the Toys”R”Us experience.
Oh the sights and wonders of a Toys”R”Us that this generation shall never see! The divorced father trying desperately to please their sullen child, the derelict bathrooms that the staff had long ago given up on, that weird smell in the aisle for toddler toys. These things can never be replicated, and I weep knowing my children will never see their like. Is it the burden of each generation to see its marvels torn down in the name of progress? What progress can justify such a travesty?
>Is it the burden of each generation to see its marvels be torn down in the name of progress?
The answer, sadly, is the same answer we see so often where decency is absent: money. For want of a few dollars, the cruel ignoramuses of this world have seen fit to blot out yet another place that provides relief to those who truly need it. It is the death of culture when we value simple currency over places that enrich our lives, but the die is cast, and now we must find a way to endure.
I bought my first board game, had my first kiss, lost my virginity, got married, got divorced, and became a notary public all in the same Toys”R”Us all in the same year! To the lucky few who grew up with it, Toys”R’Us was more than a store, more than family even; it was a way of life. But it’s all over now. Yet even as they begin to tear down the store I am currently typing this in, I take solace in the fact they can never take away our memories.
Daniel Jimenez is a staff writer for The Plantain.

Publix Supermarkets has opened temporary rear entrances to its South Florida bakeries to cater to Passover scofflaws seeking bagels or other doughy treats during the traditionally bread-free week.

The new entrances will also enable quick access to selections of non-bakery items for Jews who want to enjoy chametz snacks such as Oreos, Uncrustables, or Publix subs without receiving a stern lecture from irate family members or religious leaders.

“If my wife or someone from shul catches me eating a sub in here, I’m—pardon the expression—toast,” said Ira Silverstein, 58, of Aventura.

Plantain reporters also spoke to Amanda Klein outside a Weston Publix, who revealed she was returning to the store tomorrow for some ham croquetas, a “double foul” according to her rabbi, and a “triple foul” according to her mother, who insists the single 33-year-old accountant “watch her figure” because she “isn’t getting any younger.”

The supermarket chain has set up an encrypted email server and anonymous phone number to facilitate pre-orders. It will also package bread products purchased at its rear entrances in empty Manischewitz Matzoh boxes to help conceal its customers’ goyish behaviors.