by Daniel Jimenez   A startling discovery has been made by the Miami scientific community as the remains of the first road crew to work on the 836 were uncovered during current work on the 836. The fossils have already been dated as being over forty thousand years old, and likely neanderthal. The remains show the workers in what appears to be a relaxed position, with primitive tools around them; upon closer examination it was found that the majority of the tools showed practically no signs of use. Next to the remains was a slate with a line drawn over it, with a crudely scrawled 836 above it, which scholars believe may be one of the first work orders for the construction of the road.
The Plantain spoke with archeologist Nigel Beaverhausen about what the remains tell us about the past.
>Construction on the road most likely began in the paleolithic era
“Its utterly fascinating that these ancient cultures still dealt with universal problems like slow municipal construction. These may be the oldest workers we found working on the 836, but I do not believe they are the oldest. For all we know that road could be one of the first instances of man attempting to create a structure of any kind, and doing a poor job of it. It makes you wonder what future generations will think when they uncover the remains of our employees working on the 836, thousands of years in the future. Perhaps the road could conceivably be finished by then, but it seems unlikely.”
To get a layman’s perspective we spoke with a construction foreman, Dwayne Menendez. When telling him that the construction on the road most likely began in the paleolithic era, his response was:
“Yeah, that seems about right. My dad actually worked on this road, and I hope that one day my son gets paid by the day to work on it too. Kinda heartwarming when you think about it, it’s like a city tradition to just keep building this road. Will it ever be finished, who knows? Personally, I like to think this road will be incomplete right up until the moment the sun explodes and kills us all. Thinking about that helps me sleep at night.”
Ironically enough, the archeological discovery has caused a delay in construction on the 836 as they excavate the area to find more remains. When asked about the delay Mr. Mendez said, “Hey, I get paid either way. Take your time.”

*The Plantain has shockingly just discovered through investigative reporting that The Hialeah Tourism Board is comprised entirely of a group of street chickens.**By Daniel Jimenez*

Despite being a group of uneducated fowl, members of The Hialeah Tourism Board have apparently been re-elected several times into office. The Board meets regularly in the middle of the road at 811 West 49th Street to discuss municipal matters and peck randomly at the ground. This feathery flock is most famously responsible for the establishment of the annual Jose Marti Commemorative Walk. This year’s walk is scheduled to take place later this month.
In order to interview him, The Plantain attempted to catch up to the head of the board, a chicken who, for lack of a name, we began calling Sam Peckandclaw. Unfortunately, the interview time was wasted chasing him around and shooing him away from cars. The unavailability of board members has led critics to decry that not enough is being done to tackle tough clean-up issues and anti-lawn paving laws, hurting the city’s image. Marta Diaz, a resident of the city, told us, “They are scared of their own shadows. They are always afraid, running around like their heads have already been cut off.”
> No other group has done more to promote the image of Hialeah as a vacation destination.
But some local constituents have praised the Board’s record, saying that they may be the best in the history of the city. They claim that no other group has done more to promote the image of Hialeah as a vacation destination, chock full of sights and experiences that can only be obtained in their city.
“Look, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter where you’re from or whether or not you’re a bird. What matters is that you get results,” said local hot dog cart proprietor, Matthew Santos. “Those chickens do great work for this city, and one of them is married to my niece. Great guy, we met when he was blocking traffic a few years ago.”
The Board’s popularity has many speculating that Sam Peckandclaw could have a promising political career, perhaps even setting his sights on mayor. But, for the time being, he and the rest of the Board continue their diligent work for the city—when they aren’t randomly wandering into people’s yards and stealing the pet food that has been left out.
Daniel Jimenez is a staff writer for The Plantain. He grew up in Hialeah, but now he chickened out.

The following is an excerpt from Michael Cohen’s unpublished Manuscript, Michael Cohen’s Super Guide to Lawyer SuccessfulnessHey everyone! Great job picking up my book, you got some good taste. Now I imagine you were drawn to this particular book because you want to be a big-time lawyer, much like myself. Well if you just follow the easy steps I lay out, you’ll be in court in no time! Before we get into the nitty-gritty legal stuff, remember the five biggest rules for any lawyer.
1. You have to connect with your clients.
It’s not enough to just represent your clients, you have to treat them like family. You have to make sure they can tell you anything, even if it seems like stuff they shouldn’t be telling anyone. Don’t worry, no matter what crimes they confess, or documents they ask you to hide, or strange coolers they ask you to bury in the woods, it’s all protected by a magical thing called attorney-client privilege. Attorney-client privilege is a force field that means when the police come knocking, you can say “Nuh uh”.
2. Never take on too many clients.
Stress can be the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer. You want to make sure that you don’t take on a workload that unreasonable. Some lawyers attempt to have up to five or six clients! That’s crazy! Now, most of these guys usually burn out and end up quitting the profession to become realtors, so you want to keep your client number manageable. Two or three clients a year is the accepted limit in the profession. Remember, you work to live but you don’t live to work.
3. The library is your best friend.
Some so-called big shots waste hundreds of thousands of dollars going to pretentious ivy league schools, and that’s money that could be in your pocket right now! A much cheaper alternative is the public library, they have all the books you need to read and understand the law and pass the big test that makes you a lawyer. Fun fact: you can take that lawyer test as many times as you want until you pass! That means the key to becoming a lawyer is just perseverance, keep coming back to your local library to study and you’ll be practicing law before you know it.
4. Eat a balanced breakfast.
I know I sound like your mom right now, but you should always start your day with a hearty breakfast. It can be the small thing that gives you an edge against the prosecution. Many prosecutors take their jobs so seriously, they stay up all night to prepare and miss breakfast! This means they won’t have nearly as much energy as you. Sometimes they might even fall asleep in the middle of court, which is a sure sign that you are winning the case.
5. Always make a motion to dismiss.
In law talk, making a motion to dismiss means politely asking the man in black robes to please not have a trial. Most of the time they will ask “why?”, in which case you just say nevermind. But if you are really lucky, you’ll make a motion to dismiss and the black robe person will grant it no questions asked! That means you get to go home early to watch cartoons. A motion to dismiss can be what keeps your client out of jail and your afternoons free.
Daniel Jimenez is an editor for The Plantain

By Daniel JimenezAs I sit in the center of what was once a bustling store filled with the smiles of children, I reflect that today it may be Toys”R”Us, but tomorrow it could be any one of us.
What was once a refuge for the weary child is now a barren space, utterly devoid of the joy it used to bring. Where did that magic go? Was it in the employees who were so carelessly tossed aside? Did it come from the toys that used to line the now empty shelves? Perhaps it came from the laughter of the children who would run wild throughout the store.
I was one such child, filled to the brim with glee at the mere prospect of entering a Toys”R”Us. Money was not required; a child could be penniless and still experience all the store had to offer. The stuffed animals laying about in the middle of aisles, the video game demos that were almost certainly broken, the wailing of other kids who had been told they were not going home with whatever they had asked of their parents; all this and more were part of the Toys”R”Us experience.
Oh the sights and wonders of a Toys”R”Us that this generation shall never see! The divorced father trying desperately to please their sullen child, the derelict bathrooms that the staff had long ago given up on, that weird smell in the aisle for toddler toys. These things can never be replicated, and I weep knowing my children will never see their like. Is it the burden of each generation to see its marvels torn down in the name of progress? What progress can justify such a travesty?
>Is it the burden of each generation to see its marvels be torn down in the name of progress?
The answer, sadly, is the same answer we see so often where decency is absent: money. For want of a few dollars, the cruel ignoramuses of this world have seen fit to blot out yet another place that provides relief to those who truly need it. It is the death of culture when we value simple currency over places that enrich our lives, but the die is cast, and now we must find a way to endure.
I bought my first board game, had my first kiss, lost my virginity, got married, got divorced, and became a notary public all in the same Toys”R”Us all in the same year! To the lucky few who grew up with it, Toys”R’Us was more than a store, more than family even; it was a way of life. But it’s all over now. Yet even as they begin to tear down the store I am currently typing this in, I take solace in the fact they can never take away our memories.
Daniel Jimenez is a staff writer for The Plantain.

By Daniel JimenezSources close to The Plantain have reported that local Lyft driver, Lance Sanchez, is currently mulling over all the mistakes he made in life that lead him to eat at the Cici’s Pizza located off of 117th Avenue. “I don’t understand how this is the news? Are you guys really a newspaper? I’m not sad about eating here so often, why would I be sad?” said Mr. Sanchez in between bites of his eighth slice of pizza.
Management informed The Plantain that Mr. Sanchez frequents the buffet, despite their best efforts. We talked with one of the busboys, Gabriel Smithe, who told us, “We’ve tried to help him–suggested maybe he eat somewhere else, or try going to night school. We pointed out there is a salad bar—it’s not for display purposes. He’ still young–he could get a nursing degree. But no matter what, he always comes back here. I feel like I’m watching him slowly die. I can understand the people that come here every so often…hell, even the people that bring their kids. I just can’t imagine what he’s been through that makes him eat here every day of the week.”
> “A guy can eat at a pizza buffet as long as he wants! Stop trying to make it sound sad!”
An attempt was made to get more background on Mr. Sanchez; we contacted his parents and past friends. Both his parents were shocked he was still alive, saying they hadn’t spoken to him in fifteen years. The last time they spoke, they said, Lance was starting a job selling steak knives. Then he just ceased all contact. “Please, tell my boy we still love him. We don’t care what mistakes he’s made. He can come home,” said a tearful Mrs. Sanchez. The Plantain was unable to find any friends. Lance Sanchez stated himself that he is still feuding with his former War Hammer guild, and after the Bethany incident is no longer allowed at the Arby’s just a few blocks away.
Normally, reporters at The Plantain try to have a sense of detachment from stories, in order to maintain journalistic integrity. But after hearing Lance Sanchez’s story we were moved enough to offer him a job cleaning our offices. Unfortunately, he refused saying, “I’m fine, okay! I just like eating here, what wrong with everyone? A guy can eat at a pizza buffet as long as he wants! There’s no law against it. Stop trying to make it sound sad!”
Since the writing of this article, Cici’s Pizza has obtained an injunction to bar Mr. Sanchez from eating there, claiming it constitutes self-harm.
Daniel Jimenez is a staff writer for The Plantain.