The SeaquariumWho hasn’t taken a RealDoll to the Sea Aquarium? At least at the Seaquarium, you aren’t the most morally bankrupt person there. Seeing the dolphins, whales and other sea creatures roam around in perpetual servitude really gets Veronica, the 40xxx prototype model with electromagnetic orifice attachments, going. It reminds her of the cold winters of her childhood spent in the crowded block houses of Eastern Europe, and of the day her little brother Illusheka passed from consumption, surrounded by all the tiny school children, and also of the crawl space you store her in to hide her from your nosy parents. Lames.
Club LIV
After recent renovations, Miami’s premiere nightclub and douchebag world heritage site is open for business and ready to host you and your friend Sandy, the innocent Montanan farmer’s daughter modeled from a coke bottle. Call them today and ask them about their Valentines day RealDoll special, a drink from the bar and a light water mist from a spray bottle to keep Sandy’s hair properly lubricated, all for the price of the drink! Is that a celebrity or security? Does it even matter when you are nuzzled in your loved one’s arms?
Love is Blind
This Coral Gables lovers’ haunt is a no-brainer date space for you and your on again off again acquaintance Mercedes, the six foot two Amazon woman who dominates you in a way that is both unhealthy and unsustainable. Apparently, Love is Blind closed its doors this year which is all the better for you and Mercedes. Mercedes can watch as you auto asphyxiate yourself in a near empty room surrounded by unliquidated furniture and paint covered screws. Maybe there is something still edible in the dumpster out back.
The Wharf Miami
This popular Gay Fishmongers hideaway on the Miami River is the perfect place to dress your lifesize silicone sex toy as a sizzling pirate captain as a gag (She’s really a shy girl) that’ll be sure to get the whole place in stitches as they aggressively hawk their slimy wares well into the night. Ask about their RealDoll special, two drinks and a bucket of raw fish oil for a reasonable twenty buckos, maybe less if you can negotiate by yelling really loud while pointing in several directions at once.
Kennedy Park
Beautiful Kennedy Park is the perfect place to set down a blanket and have inappropriate PDA with your long time part-latex partner Amanda, she’s a schoolteacher. It’s OK because it’s a classy park, they won’t call the cops, they’ll be too shocked to. Once you are done with your ‘picnic’ cool off with an Icee from the world famous A.C.’s Icees. Be sure to ask the stoned dude working the truck if he has a RealDoll special, he won’t know what you’re talking about but he’s sure to be too paranoid to start a confrontation with a man supporting a 140 pound eerily lifelike doll in public, so he’ll probably throw a 10% discount your way. Love is the answer!
Written by: Alex Quesada