“This was like the best freaking Ultra ever,” said a still fucked up Willy Gort Monday morning. “The music, man. It was just so…you know, intense!” he told the tree to whom he was speaking. The tree had no comment.Ultra is the premier EDM Music Festival (“EDM” stands for Electronic Dance Music, meaning I guess that should just say ED Music Festival, or EDM Festival, neither of which looks correct to me, and one of which looks like it would be Erectile Dysfunction Music Festival–I digress).
Ultra, the EDM Festival, took place on Virginia Beach this weekend and was a complete disaster according to everyone except the five City of Miami Commissioners in attendance, all of whom report having had a real “lit” time after being slipped “something funny” by Greg “Dirtboi” Grungerstan, an Ultra lobbyist and part-time DJ.
“The City of Miami is a great friend and partner to Ultra, and I was glad to share the positive vibes and drugs, I mean, just positive vibes and not drugs, with them. Good save, Dirtboi. They’ll put you on the main stage soon,” he told a nearby tree who also declined to comment for this article.
While many have been critical of the City’s plan to move the Erectile Dysfunction festival to Virginia Beach, an area surrounded by protected wildlife that lacks the infrastructure to deal with 60,000 people trying to navigate the only road to the festival, the City of Miami Commissioners in attendance see the festival as overall a positive event for Miami.
“Ultra brings a wonderful mixture of sweaty Europeans on drugs and sweaty locals selling drugs together every year,” said Commissioner Joe Carollo as he stuck a neon pacifier in his mouth and waiting for a sick beat to drop. “I can’t wait for next year. It’s gonna be fire.”
By Bernard Ng-Mann

The City of Miami voted unanimously to kick the Ultra Music Festival out of Bayfront Park. The electronic music festival has attracted techno music lovers, dendrophiliacs, and drug enthusiasts from all over the world to Bayfront Park since 2001, but in recent years has become a source of blinding rage for downtown property owners who believe the three-day music festival attracts far too many young people having a great time to the City and could potentially be “bad for their investment.”The Commission was adamant that electronic music was not “real music like when I was a kid” and passed a unanimous resolution to “tell those kids to turn that noise down, dagnabbit!”
At the hearing, Commissioner Joe “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” Carollo told his constituents that he would work to save Bayfront Park so the community could continue to enjoy its ‘concrete and broken water fountain’ design, however the Commissioners eventually decided the City-owned waterfront land was probably best suited for another rarely used stadium.
The idea of “why not build a stadium?” originated when Marlins’ owner Derek Jeter suggested during public comment that the waterfront property would be the perfect spot for a new new super deluxe Marlins Park.
“I believe a new stadium will revitalize the team and improve attendance to Marlins games in a way that the last stadium you gave us just hasn’t been able to,” said the former All-Star as he signed an autograph to several starstruck city officials.

The Florida Department of Health has issued an advisory to Miami-Dade Residents warning them not to swim at certain beaches, including Golden Beach, Sunny Isles, Surfside, North Shore, 53rd Street in Miami Beach, Haulover South and Crandon North, due to dangerous levels of feces found in the water. Department investigators believe the fecal matter was caused after the entirety of DJ Khaled’s furniture line was tossed to sea.The furniture, which features embossed lions and more gold than a Donald Trump shower, can be purchased at El Dorado Furniture, an acid trip of a retail establishment described by some as “the most Miami store ever.” The DJ Khaled line of furniture, whose signature piece is a gold colored upholstered love seats and a pair of spray painted lion statues, has been widely mocked by bloggers, most of whom have decorated every home they have ever lived in with cheap Ikea furniture. “It’s just so tacky. What type of adult would want that in their house?” typed one 30-year-old blogger while sitting underneath a cheaply framed Doors poster he has had hanging since High School.
The furniture was reportedly tossed into the Atlantic Ocean following a bet between two El Dorado employees about whether it would sink. “We didn’t realize how much fun it is to toss sofas into the ocean,” said an anonymous El Dorado employee. “It all floats, by the way, but before we knew it we had dumped it all. Our manager Carlos was so pissed.”
The Plantain asked Department of Health representatives how discarded sofas could result in an increase level of fecal particles found in our oceans: “Oh, it’s because the furniture looks like shit.” “This is sort of a mean spirited joke, if you ask me,” said the Official.
The Plantain reached out to DJ Khaled for comment, but he was too busy being more successful than we are to comment.
By They

Today I took my nephew to the movies to watch the 14th and latest AirBud film The Endless Filibarker. While the film is largely simplistic in how it deals with the election process, it certainly provides a good foundation for those children who want to understand how the government works.We start the film with card-carrying Democrat, Skip who decides to have his dog (Buddy of course) run in the Senate Republican Primary against Rick Scott as a joke. Floridians allow Buddy on the ballot due to a mix of wanting to see an adorable Golden Retriever on the debate stage, having a good sense of humor, and well, because Florida.
>This is how Florida elected the nation’s second non-human Senator
The Joke isn’t funny long though. The night before the primary Scott chokes trying to swallow an alligator whole leaving the canine candidate as the Republican nominee. Skip now exhausted from driving Buddy up and down the state to attend debates and fundraisers is relieved thinking that the Senate Seat is now safely blue since no one would vote for a dog over an incumbent astronaut senator. Skip overestimated Florida.
Rick Scott had apparently paid for his attack ads ahead of time, and once the President officially endorsed Buddy the PAC’s backing Scott backed Buddy. Come election day Democrats, figuring the seat was safe, decided to stay home rather than brave what they assumed were long lines. The ones that did show up thought it would be funny to vote for an adorable Golden Retriever.
This is how Florida elected the nation’s second non-human senator (Strom Thurmond being elected to the Senate in 1954 a half a century after crash-landing on Earth). Skip obviously feels guilty, he cost his personal hero Bill Nelson the seat, but he tries to downplay his guilt by convincing himself that at least a non-voter is better than someone like Scott. While the nation and especially Skip are reeling the other shoe drops.
On his first day in office, a bill making it illegal to be poor (I mean hey it’s a kids movie after all) makes it to the floor, and Buddy fervently backs it. In-fact every Buddy backs every conservative effort while blocking every bill from the right. It turns out that Skip had left CSPAN playing for Buddy every day while he was at work. Buddy had learned to make sounds vaguely similar to Aye and Nay and was voting his conscience.
Feeling betrayed Skip did what he could to pull Buddy left. He took Buddy to underpasses so he could see homeless individuals sharing what little they had with their dogs. This leads to a flashback which takes far too long, where we go and see that Buddy was a shelter dog, who skip rescued. The way Buddy saw it he pawed his way up from the pound to be a sitting US Senator in the nations largest swing state. If anyone dog or human was poor, it was due to laziness.
>This is conveyed to the audience through a weird twist on 20 questions that has McConnel asking moral questions to Buddy who responds in either his ‘Aye’ or ‘Nay’.
This all culminates in a huge argument which is overheard by Mitch McConnel (which is among the film’s most baffling cameos) who has Skip fired from being Buddy’s Deputy Chief of Staff. The mix of losing his new political job as well as burning his savings taking Buddy on the campaign trail means that he now qualifies as poor thus triggering his arrest. Since Skip is a Dreamer (Totally unmentioned and unpredictable, normally I’d assume it’s a twist but the film treats it as though the audience is already supposed to know?) this means he’s to be deported. ICE carries him away.
When McConnel tells Buddy he feels conflicted but ultimately decides it’s the right move. This is conveyed to the audience through a weird twist on 20 questions that has McConnel asking moral questions to Buddy who responds in either his ‘Aye’ or ‘Nay’. Buddy’s biggest concern is getting himself emancipated since Skip is still technically his owner. Buddy heads down to the ICE detention center.
At the detention center in Homestead Buddy sees people being held in cages and begins to have flashbacks to his time in the pound. He remembers all the times he was hit, laughed at, and of course the tiny cages he was thrown in. Seeing people go through each in order (Can you say “Preachy”?). Buddy takes off full sprint in a panic. Of course, he ends up right in front of where Skip is being held.
Skip helps to calm him down. He starts petting buddy and tells him “Don’t worry everything is gonna be alright. I’m here now, It’ll all be okay”. We flashback to Skip holding Buddy, when they first meet in the pound. From here we go into a montage of all the times Skip did what he could to take care of Buddy, nursing him when he was sick and hurt, cleaning up after him, training him, and playing with him, and of course always turning on the TV for him when he had to go to work.
Again Buddy is conflicted but ultimately presents Skip with the emancipation papers, albeit tearfully. Skip, of course, signs them and Buddy is on his way giving a tearful glance.
What we see after this is a clear rip-off of the Reese Witherspoon film Sweet Home Alabama. Buddy turns his emancipation papers in and goes to the Senate floor. The Democrats teamed up with two of the more swayable republican Senators have put forward a bill that would reduce the offenses of the anti-poverty law from a misdemeanor to a civil offense. Which would mean, that it wouldn’t trigger jail-time or in Skip’s case, deportation.
Buddy is all set to vote the bill down when an aide comes running in with his emancipation papers. Skip had signed them, but Buddy never did. Once again looking back at all the good times he and Skip had. Buddy, refuses to sign and instead votes in favor of the bill. Neutering the enforcement of Mitch McConnel’s Screw-the-Poor Law, and Allowing for Skip to stay in the US. Skip is instantly released and for some reason in D.C. and allowed to run onto the Senate Floor to celebrate with Buddy. The film ends with Buddy working on a bill that will establish and cement a permanent path to citizenship.
Overall the movie is preachy, very predictable and borrows heavily (copies) from other better movies. That being said, the dog is cute, the actors capable and it manages to teach politics and the political process to children. What more could you want out of a movie about a dog senator?
Skip is played by Oscar Isaac and the film features cameos by Rick Scott, Bill Nelson, Mitch McConnel, Hideo Kojima and President Trump.
Overall I give Airbud 14: the Endless Filibarker 2 paws up.
Written by Marcos Garcia
Glasses Designed by Freepik

Local filmmaker and Twitter personality, Billy Corben, took the stage at the Bayfront Park Amphitheater last night to play an acoustic set of songs from Smashing Pumpkins’ 1993 album Siamese Dream. Marketed simply as “Billy Corben Performs Songs From Siamese Dream”, tickets quickly sold out as scores of yuppie Gen-Xers reasonably assumed the show would actually feature Smashing Pumpkins’ front man Billy Corgan.

“I thought it was a typo!”, explained 36-year-old graphic designer Debora Hoffman. “Do you know how difficult it was for me to find a sitter? Tickets were $125.00! I don’t get it, who the fuck is Billy Corben anyway?”

Mr. Corben, of course, is the controversial filmmaker behind Miami-centric documentaries like Cocaine Cowboys 2 and Square Grouper. Known more for his sharp wit than his musical chops, the 40-year-old local performed Smashing Pumpkins’ classic shoegazing album in its entirety with a sort of off-tune nebbish charm that would have been kind of endearing if it weren’t so god-damn infuriating.

“That was the worst concert I have been to in my entire life,” said Ms. Hoffman. “It wouldn’t have even been so bad if he would have just sung the fucking songs, but he kept interrupting himself to make jokes about Carlos Alvarez.”

When asked to comment, Mr. Corben admitted that the show was misleadingly marketed to maximize ticket sales, telling the Plantain that he needed the money to fund a documentary he is working on about the Miami roots of 2LiveCrew’s front man Luther Campbell. The documentary, tentatively called “Uncle Luke, I Am Your Father”, is scheduled to be released in August.

On Friday evening, Weezer took the stage at the West Palm Beach Amphitheater to play a collection of hits and remind longtime fans in the audience that the passage of time stops for no one and that they too will someday die.

“I wasn’t expecting to have such a strong reaction to the show,” said 32-year-old attorney and longtime Weezer fan Jason Ireland, “but as I watched the band play through “The Sweater Song” and “Say it Ain’t So” for what must be the 100,000th time, I realized that every aspect of my youth was over and that I would eventually cease to exist.”

“I first saw Weezer at this very venue in 2002. As I was watching the band last night I realized it’s been 16 years since that show. That’s such a long, man. I couldn’t help wonder how much longer it would be until my mother dies. I mean, she isn’t sick or anything, but time just passes so quickly. Weezer taught me that.”
When asked to comment on the actual performance, Mr. Ireland reported that the band was “solid” and “looked like they were having fun on stage,” but noted that in 2002 he remembers the band creating a level of excitement in him that just didn’t compare to last night’s performance.
“Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to be there. But 16 years ago I was frenetic with excited energy. I remember running around the pit and being covered in other peoples’ sweat. By the end of that night, I didn’t even have any voice left to tell my mom about the show when she picked me up. As I casually sang along to Undone last night I knew that my happiest days were over. I will never be teenager at a concert happy again, and I guess I just need to learn to accept that.”

Speaking to the Plantain following the show, Weezer’s lead singer Rivers Cuomo said that Mr. Ireland’s reaction is a common one among Weezer’s older fans. “We all have to just accept that our time is finite and nothing lasts forever,” said the 48-year-old singer who will be singing songs about high school girls not liking him all summer with 80’s alt-rock icons Pixies.

Disney and Lucasfilm’s “Solo: A Star Wars Story,” a prequel film about the origins of Han Solo, made an estimated $101 million domestically for its four-day weekend opening which includes the Monday holiday, according to Disney. That makes “Solo” the smallest opening for a “Star Wars” film since 2002.The number, while being the biggest Memorial Day Weekend debut in the last four years, is also solidly under industry expectations. Initial projections on Tuesday had the film bringing in $130 million to $150 million in North America. Those projections were adjusted down on Friday to $105 million to $115 million.
“The numbers are certainly disappointing,” said Solo director Ron Howard.
With three minutes left in our scheduled 4-minute interview, and having not myself seen Solo because I imagine it’s just 90-minutes of some guy that doesn’t look like Harrison Ford smirking at the screen while referencing throw-away lines from Empire, I asked Mr. Howard his thoughts on a recent Harvard study that placed the number of deaths in Puerto Rico from last year’s Hurricane Maria at nearly 5,000, a figure much higher than expected.
The legendary actor and director said that the news out of Puerto Rico was “equally, no…probably more,” disappointing than finding out about Solo’s opening.
“You know, it’s always an emotional blow when the numbers come in and they are different than what you were expecting,” said Mr. Howard. “That’s true, I suppose, whether it’s not living up to box office expectations or finding out that the world has failed a nation suffering through a humanitarian crisis.”
When asked how to best cope with the type of disappointment one feels when learning that his movie only made $100M domestically ($150M worldwide) in its opening weekend or that most of Puerto Rico is still without power, Mr. Howard offered some sage and practical advice:
“I always found that the trick is to acknowledge the situation, understand that maybe there was more that you could have done, but not to dwell too much on past mistakes. You got to move on do everything in your mother fucking power to save what’s left of the situation,” said Mr. Howard, a lesson he says that he learned in the wake of The Da Vinci Code: Inferno’s disappointing opening.
“Even in the bleakest of situation, there is still a lot left to do,” said a solemn Mr. Howard. “Oh, by the way can you mention that the 5th season of Arrested Development debuts on Netflix this week? I couldn’t take another disappointment.”
To help the ongoing tragedy in Puerto Rico, consider donating to one of these charities.

The Plantain has confirmed that Disney’s Animated Studio has purchased the rights to adapt the 2006 documentary “Cocaine Cowboys” into an animated television show. The show will reportedly be geared at 5-10 year old children and feature such educational lessons as how to convert units of measurements into the metric system and the importance of not being a fucking snitch.Cocaine Cowboys tells the bloody backstory of Miami’s 1980’s cocaine trade. The seminal Miami movie was created by local filmmaker Billy Corben and his partner, a fictitious individual created for tax purposes supposedly named “Alfred Spellman.”
“They say LA is where you go when you want to be somebody, New York is where you go when you are somebody, and Miami is where you go when you want to be somebody else,” said Mr. Corben without prompt.
The animated series, set to debut in 2019, will focus on real-life Cocaine Cowboy Mickey Monday, portrayed by Mickey Mouse, as he navigates the animated world of 1980’s Miami from his club house at the Mutiny Club. They Might Be Giants has signed on to write the theme song.
When asked to respond to critics that the violent subject matter of his documentary is inappropriate fodder for a children’s television show, the filmmaker and star of the 1993 Alan Thicke vehicle “Stepmonster” informed the Plantain that LA is where you go when you want to be somebody, New York is where you go when you are somebody, and Miami is where you go when you want to be somebody else before throwing half an orange at the head of a passing Kristen Rosen-Gonzales.