ABC has approved a Roseanne reboot called “The Conners” that Roseanne Bar will have nothing to do with. In a script circulating the internet, the matriarch of the family passes away unexpectedly off screen during a knee surgery and the Conner family (including Jerry) is forced to come together and rebuild. Hilarity ensues.
Disney and Lucasfilm’s “Solo: A Star Wars Story,” a prequel film about the origins of Han Solo, made an estimated $101 million domestically for its four-day weekend opening which includes the Monday holiday, according to Disney. That makes “Solo” the smallest opening for a “Star Wars” film since 2002.The number, while being the biggest Memorial Day Weekend debut in the last four years, is also solidly under industry expectations. Initial projections on Tuesday had the film bringing in $130 million to $150 million in North America. Those projections were adjusted down on Friday to $105 million to $115 million.
“The numbers are certainly disappointing,” said Solo director Ron Howard.
With three minutes left in our scheduled 4-minute interview, and having not myself seen Solo because I imagine it’s just 90-minutes of some guy that doesn’t look like Harrison Ford smirking at the screen while referencing throw-away lines from Empire, I asked Mr. Howard his thoughts on a recent Harvard study that placed the number of deaths in Puerto Rico from last year’s Hurricane Maria at nearly 5,000, a figure much higher than expected.
The legendary actor and director said that the news out of Puerto Rico was “equally, no…probably more,” disappointing than finding out about Solo’s opening.
“You know, it’s always an emotional blow when the numbers come in and they are different than what you were expecting,” said Mr. Howard. “That’s true, I suppose, whether it’s not living up to box office expectations or finding out that the world has failed a nation suffering through a humanitarian crisis.”
When asked how to best cope with the type of disappointment one feels when learning that his movie only made $100M domestically ($150M worldwide) in its opening weekend or that most of Puerto Rico is still without power, Mr. Howard offered some sage and practical advice:
“I always found that the trick is to acknowledge the situation, understand that maybe there was more that you could have done, but not to dwell too much on past mistakes. You got to move on do everything in your mother fucking power to save what’s left of the situation,” said Mr. Howard, a lesson he says that he learned in the wake of The Da Vinci Code: Inferno’s disappointing opening.
“Even in the bleakest of situation, there is still a lot left to do,” said a solemn Mr. Howard. “Oh, by the way can you mention that the 5th season of Arrested Development debuts on Netflix this week? I couldn’t take another disappointment.”
To help the ongoing tragedy in Puerto Rico, consider donating to one of these charities.
By Ajinkya Dedge
Ajinkya Dedge is a staff writer for The Plantain. He is only here to complete our diversity quota.
Many have wondered why Senator Marco Rubio, a Miami native, has remained so popular, after careful research it’s become clear that the qualities that keep Rubio Relevant are the same ones that skyrocketed one Scooby “Dooby” Doo to popularity some 40 years ago.
They’re both cowards
Scooby-Doo’s cowardice is one of his defining traits. He runs from every problem that he faces, whether it be a ghost, a monster, or personal responsibility. Scoob’s cowardice is insidious however because the moment the gang needs him to take a stand Velma simply has to give him a “Scooby-Snack” and suddenly he is impassioned and brave.
Marco is similarly a coward running away from things he claims to care about, like immigration reform. He often tries to hide in the proverbial van, and will often miss days on Capitol Hill to avoid scary legislation. Technically, this means Fred is a better negotiator than Mitch McConnel but that’s neither here nor there. The only ones that know how to get Marco going are the lobbyists with their vast amounts of snacks. The NRA alone has given Rubio over 3 million Scooby-Snacks. Zoinks!
They both believe in consolidating wealth at the top
It’s no secret that Senator Rubio supported the Republican tax plan that passed this December. The bill basically allows for the rich to suck up cash from the lower classes by funneling it through their own holdings. In much the same way Scooby-Doo uses his straw to suck up his friends’, who do all the real work to contribute to Scooby’s success, milkshakes. Scoob at least is honest and direct with his theft, using his own tongue to steal his friend’s sandwiches. Marco, on the other hand, would steal Daphne’s pig to give to the butcher, in hopes of maybe receiving one pan con lechon.
They are both totally divorced from their ethnicity
It’s a well, documented fact that “Scoob” is a DINO (Dog In Name Only) he spends all his time with humans who keep him around only for the sake of saying they have a dog. He’s clearly treated as lesser than his peers, with only shaggy making an attempt to understand dog culture. After 40-some years Shaggy is the only one even dares to try a Scooby Snack.
Marco-Doo is the only prominent Latin Republican in the Senate, with the notable exception of the scrappy Ted Cruz. He, like Scooby, refused to speak his native tongue. In fact, Rubio totally eschews his Hispanic heritage and culture only displaying it when he wants to bark at the cat of communism.
They both have brown hair
In Scooby’s case it’s more like fur I think but either way, brown.
They’re both two-dimensional character’s who simply go through the same steps over and over with no chance of growth
Whether it be the Gang of 8’s attempt at immigration reform or his reading Jay-Z lyrics to help Rand Paul filibuster drone strikes, Rubio just goes through the motions. He makes some rousing speech or dramatic stand. Then he goes to a town hall and makes even bigger statements, all focused on an emotional level. Then he (if he’s feeling like it) goes to the Hill and votes whichever way his friends are and nothing changes.
Scooby is a cartoon dog from a very formulaic 1960’s children cartoon.
In a daring broad daylight heist, thieves stole hundreds of canvases and sculptures from the Romero Britto Art Store located in the Miami International Airport.Jacinta Fernandez, manager of the airport location informed the Plantain, “A frequent flyer inquired about a possible holiday discounts on a painting of a smiling flower he has had his eye on for two years. We informed him that we don’t do holiday discounts as that would interfere with our year-round perpetual sale. That’s when we noticed that the smiling flower painting was gone! Along with 57 other semi-original works and prints that all look the same.”
“This immediately raised our concern for our hermana stores in Lincoln Road and Wynwood.” Her calls to these stores quickly revealed that over half the inventory was missing. “We were so surprised! Over half the inventory on the gallery floor showroom has been missing since before Thanksgiving—and no one even noticed,” said Alvaro Caseres, assistant manager of the Miami Beach Lincoln Road Mall location. “It is hard to keep inventory when you can’t distinguish one piece from another.”
“Then we remembered the recent Walk of Fame star that Romero was just awarded in March–we feared it, too, might be stolen,” said Fernandez, referring to the concrete-encased Britto star located at the Bayside Walk of Fame which features sidewalk stars designed by Britto himself to honor accomplished and famed Miami personalities. But, after some searching, Britto’s star was found, safely located under a postcard rack.
Some art critics have speculated that the stolen works were removed to be sold on the black market during Art Basel. Myra Lebowitz, owner of the prestigious Miami-based, Lebowitz Gallery said that “People will pay for anything once they perceive it to have value. That’s what keeps me in business.” A source wishing to remain anonymous leaked to The Plantain, “His stuff is crap—I ought to know, I manage his Miami Beach store. Whomever took it was just trying to do the art world a favor.” Still, others have hinted that Britto himself removed the works to create a media stir to boost sales.
Miami-Dade Aviation Police Officers investigating the robbery reviewed the airports surveillance camera system, which revealed a sole, sweatshirt hoodie-wearing thief carting off Britto’s oeuvres d’art in several trips, stacking the “art pieces” by a terminal trashcan where they remained until the cleaning staff carted them off to the dumpsters. When confronted by investigators about his involvement, Airport janitor Hector Esquival added, “I don’t know jack shit about art, but I do know trash. And that stuff I threw out was trash.”
The mystery may never be solved according to Detective Ashley Ramirez, who said the investigation to find the art thieves will be ending soon. “It is difficult for our department to devote resources to this case as the items that are missing have zero value.
Romero Britto, 54, renowned Brazilian neo-pop artist who has resided in Miami since 1989, came to fame in the mid-1990’s with his colorful, child-like style that appealed to the masses and quickly became capitalized in the form of reprints, sculptures, key chains, ATM machines, fashion wear, fire hydrants, and a legion of tchotchkes. Stores began opening up in malls and airports in other cities in order to vie for a market share from their main competitor, Hello Kitty stores.
With an estimated net worth of nearly 70 million dollars, Britto is not just content to afflict the art world; a declared conservative, he has held fundraising events for Republicans, including election losers Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush.
Britto colorfully declined to be interviewed for this article, instead offering to sell us a Britto iPhone case for 30 bucks.
By Lisa W. Hopper, staff writer for The Plantain
We’ll take Ripple, I guess: rsRfFxM4vMUn7DZGz5PjVEFC2tKadGUwFr
The Plantain has confirmed that Disney’s Animated Studio has purchased the rights to adapt the 2006 documentary “Cocaine Cowboys” into an animated television show. The show will reportedly be geared at 5-10 year old children and feature such educational lessons as how to convert units of measurements into the metric system and the importance of not being a fucking snitch.Cocaine Cowboys tells the bloody backstory of Miami’s 1980’s cocaine trade. The seminal Miami movie was created by local filmmaker Billy Corben and his partner, a fictitious individual created for tax purposes supposedly named “Alfred Spellman.”
“They say LA is where you go when you want to be somebody, New York is where you go when you are somebody, and Miami is where you go when you want to be somebody else,” said Mr. Corben without prompt.
The animated series, set to debut in 2019, will focus on real-life Cocaine Cowboy Mickey Monday, portrayed by Mickey Mouse, as he navigates the animated world of 1980’s Miami from his club house at the Mutiny Club. They Might Be Giants has signed on to write the theme song.
When asked to respond to critics that the violent subject matter of his documentary is inappropriate fodder for a children’s television show, the filmmaker and star of the 1993 Alan Thicke vehicle “Stepmonster” informed the Plantain that LA is where you go when you want to be somebody, New York is where you go when you are somebody, and Miami is where you go when you want to be somebody else before throwing half an orange at the head of a passing Kristen Rosen-Gonzales.
A local Miami resident is speaking out against the glamorization of rowdy New Year’s Eve festivities, suing the city in an attempt to end the parties once and for all. Rick Tangle, a proud circle from Coconut Grove, had this to say about New Year’s Eve traditions:
“I know I’m putting forward a really controversial and brave opinion here, but going out, spending money, drinking and having fun on New Year’s is for total squares.” he told The Plantain. “Squares act like they have all these different sides to them, but then they join right in with the crowd and do the same four things and visit the same four neighborhoods to welcome in the new year. Brickell, Wynwood, South Beach and Midtown. You can literally draw a square between those points on the map, that’s how square they are!” he added.
Mr. Tangle maintains that circles know how to do New Year’s eve properly.
“Now, a circle like me isn’t all about following the crowd, about doing the same four activities that you can count on a cartoon hand. We’re about infinite choice, 360 degrees of options. Maybe I stay in and watch some documentaries about 9/11 on Netflix, maybe I read some Ayn Rand, maybe I read some Ayn Rand and sip on a porter, maybe I read some Rand and swirl a glass of scotch, or maybe I do all of the above but the window is open! Don’t you see – I’m having an organic, completely original, New Year’s Eve celebration, and I’m not following any kind of square shaped mold! Know what happens if you put a circle in a square shaped mold? It breaks. The circle breaks the mold!”
We asked Mr. Tangle if he’d ever attended any of the year end festivities:
“Me? With them? Are you insane? What kind of four sided shape do you have to be to want to go out, let loose and have fun with other people? Squares just don’t get what it means to be a circle, because they’re such f***ing qua*******als. What they don’t get is that everyone loves curves, whereas nobody loves flatness. Let me put it this way: if you rotate a square 90 degrees, what do you get? A square. You can’t try and make a square better. If you rotate a circle 90 degrees, what you have is a circle which is better. Only a square would fail to grasp this concept. You almost feel bad for them really.”
To round the meeting off, we wanted to know if Mr. Tangle would be sharing New Year’s with any of his fellow circles.
“I don’t think so. Circles in this town are hard enough to find.”
By Chris Derrett
The Plantain has confirmed that “¿Qué Pasa, USA?”, the popular-in-Miami 1970’s sitcom about a Cuban family living in Miami is being remade, but with a twist.”We want to make sure the new “¿Qué Pasa, USA?” remains as relevant in 2018 as it was when it debuted in 1976,” said the new series’ creator Harold Weisenbaum-Steinman. “So, whereas the original series featured the Cuban Peña family navigating an anglo-majority Miami, the new sitcom will feature the anglo Peterson family relocate to a hispanic-majority Miami from Rhode Island.” In keeping with the show’s new anglo-lead, the reboot’s title will be “What’s Happening, Miami?”
“What’s Happening Miami?” will see Jonathan Peterson (played by John Lithgow), a white hispanic studies professor at University of Rhode Island relocate his wife Barbara (Cheryl Hines) and three children (Chad Michael Murray, Leighton Meester, Chloe Moretz) from their lily white hometown to a newly renovated home in the heart of Little Havana. Rounding out the odd-ball cast of Cuban characters that make up the Peterson’s new community will be George Lopez (actually Mexican), Paul Rodriguez (also Mexican), and Gabriel Iglesias (he’s Mexican too). Gol Gadot (Israeli) will reportedly guest star as Usarmy Santos, a potential love interest of Chad Michael Murray.
“We hope the new series retains the heart and humor of the original series, but with the profitability that comes from maintaining a primarily white main cast that only has to interact with minorities for humor,” said Weisenbaum-Steinman.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt has signed on to play Hoobastank lead singer Doug Robb in The Reason, the much anticipated biopic about the seminal early-2000’s band.”I’ve always been a huge Hoobastank fan,” said Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who kept insisting we call him ‘Joe’. “This is sort of a dream come true for me, but please, call me “Joe,” said Joe.
The film will follow Hoobastank’s journey from a down-and-out garage band who is not Incubus through its rise as a top-selling group who is still not Incubus. The movie will center on the band’s well publicized feud with Brad Arnold, lead singer of Three Doors Down, to be played by Academy Award nominee Michael Shannon.
The Reason will also explore Hoobastank’s fall from grace, including the band’s well publicized meltdown during a 2003 taping of MTV’s Spring Break, as well as its much anticipated comeback. “I think the logical place to end the movie is at Hoobastank’s legendary come-back show at the 19th Annual Lake Worth Garlic Festival, said the movie’s director James Franco.
The Plantain spoke to Hoobastank lead singer Doug Robb who kept insisting he was not in Incubus. “I’m Doug Robb,” said Doug Robb, but maybe it was actually Incubus’ lead singer Brandon Boyd. I’m not sure. I always got them confused.
The film marks the first of what is expected to be a series of movies capitalizing on nostalgia for the 2000’s. “Given the current political climate, aging millennials are somehow longing for the post-9/11 America that we all hated at the time,” said the film’s producer Harley Weintraub shortly before resigning from the studio amid allegations of sexual harassment.
Michael Shannon will play Three Doors Down singer Brad Arnold
Paul Rudd will play Third Eye Blind singer Stephen Jenkins
Jeremy Pivel will play Dave Mathews
Actual Medical Doctor Drew Pinsky will play Everclear singer Art Alexakis, which is believable because he was in New York Minute…remember that…the movie with the Olsen Twins. He played their father…
Oscar Winner Nicolas Cage will play Nickelback singer Chad Koreger
Happy Birthday Abby: <3 E and J
Thousands of fedora wearing locals are voicing their disappointment after one of the Points failed to show up to last night’s Three Points Festival in Wynwood.”This is bullshit! I paid for Three Points, not two!” said a muscular Cuban man in a newly purchased too-tight Gorrilaz t-shirt. “Two points is just a line. Who wants a line?” said the man as he waited in a line for the portable toilets where he did a line of coke off of his hand. “They better give me a third of my money back. I paid for a plane, not a line!”
The Plantain spoke to the Two Points who showed up, who were adamant that the crowd didn’t miss the third point. “That point isn’t Lauryn Hill. That point isn’t integral to the group. People didn’t miss the point!” said the point, itself completely missing the point. “It’s not like the whole night was pointless!”
When asked for comment as to why she did not show up to the festival, the Third Point told the Plantain that she had tried to get to the venue but left after circling the block for like 20 minutes trying to find parking. “I’m not going to pay 30 dollars to park at my own festival,” she added.