A local Miami resident is speaking out against the glamorization of rowdy New Year’s Eve festivities, suing the city in an attempt to end the parties once and for all. Rick Tangle, a proud circle from Coconut Grove, had this to say about New Year’s Eve traditions:
“I know I’m putting forward a really controversial and brave opinion here, but going out, spending money, drinking and having fun on New Year’s is for total squares.” he told The Plantain. “Squares act like they have all these different sides to them, but then they join right in with the crowd and do the same four things and visit the same four neighborhoods to welcome in the new year. Brickell, Wynwood, South Beach and Midtown. You can literally draw a square between those points on the map, that’s how square they are!” he added.
Mr. Tangle maintains that circles know how to do New Year’s eve properly.
“Now, a circle like me isn’t all about following the crowd, about doing the same four activities that you can count on a cartoon hand. We’re about infinite choice, 360 degrees of options. Maybe I stay in and watch some documentaries about 9/11 on Netflix, maybe I read some Ayn Rand, maybe I read some Ayn Rand and sip on a porter, maybe I read some Rand and swirl a glass of scotch, or maybe I do all of the above but the window is open! Don’t you see – I’m having an organic, completely original, New Year’s Eve celebration, and I’m not following any kind of square shaped mold! Know what happens if you put a circle in a square shaped mold? It breaks. The circle breaks the mold!”
We asked Mr. Tangle if he’d ever attended any of the year end festivities:
“Me? With them? Are you insane? What kind of four sided shape do you have to be to want to go out, let loose and have fun with other people? Squares just don’t get what it means to be a circle, because they’re such f***ing qua*******als. What they don’t get is that everyone loves curves, whereas nobody loves flatness. Let me put it this way: if you rotate a square 90 degrees, what do you get? A square. You can’t try and make a square better. If you rotate a circle 90 degrees, what you have is a circle which is better. Only a square would fail to grasp this concept. You almost feel bad for them really.”
To round the meeting off, we wanted to know if Mr. Tangle would be sharing New Year’s with any of his fellow circles.
“I don’t think so. Circles in this town are hard enough to find.”
By Chris Derrett

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has signed on to play Hoobastank lead singer Doug Robb in The Reason, the much anticipated biopic about the seminal early-2000’s band.”I’ve always been a huge Hoobastank fan,” said Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who kept insisting we call him ‘Joe’. “This is sort of a dream come true for me, but please, call me “Joe,” said Joe.
The film will follow Hoobastank’s journey from a down-and-out garage band who is not Incubus through its rise as a top-selling group who is still not Incubus. The movie will center on the band’s well publicized feud with Brad Arnold, lead singer of Three Doors Down, to be played by Academy Award nominee Michael Shannon.
The Reason will also explore Hoobastank’s fall from grace, including the band’s well publicized meltdown during a 2003 taping of MTV’s Spring Break, as well as its much anticipated comeback. “I think the logical place to end the movie is at Hoobastank’s legendary come-back show at the 19th Annual Lake Worth Garlic Festival, said the movie’s director James Franco.
The Plantain spoke to Hoobastank lead singer Doug Robb who kept insisting he was not in Incubus. “I’m Doug Robb,” said Doug Robb, but maybe it was actually Incubus’ lead singer Brandon Boyd. I’m not sure. I always got them confused.
The film marks the first of what is expected to be a series of movies capitalizing on nostalgia for the 2000’s. “Given the current political climate, aging millennials are somehow longing for the post-9/11 America that we all hated at the time,” said the film’s producer Harley Weintraub shortly before resigning from the studio amid allegations of sexual harassment.

Michael Shannon will play Three Doors Down singer Brad Arnold

Paul Rudd will play Third Eye Blind singer Stephen Jenkins

Jeremy Pivel will play Dave Mathews

Actual Medical Doctor Drew Pinsky will play Everclear singer Art Alexakis, which is believable because he was in New York Minute…remember that…the movie with the Olsen Twins. He played their father…

Oscar Winner Nicolas Cage will play Nickelback singer Chad Koreger
Happy Birthday Abby: <3 E and J

Thousands of fedora wearing locals are voicing their disappointment after one of the Points failed to show up to last night’s Three Points Festival in Wynwood.”This is bullshit! I paid for Three Points, not two!” said a muscular Cuban man in a newly purchased too-tight Gorrilaz t-shirt. “Two points is just a line. Who wants a line?” said the man as he waited in a line for the portable toilets where he did a line of coke off of his hand. “They better give me a third of my money back. I paid for a plane, not a line!”
The Plantain spoke to the Two Points who showed up, who were adamant that the crowd didn’t miss the third point. “That point isn’t Lauryn Hill. That point isn’t integral to the group. People didn’t miss the point!” said the point, itself completely missing the point. “It’s not like the whole night was pointless!”
When asked for comment as to why she did not show up to the festival, the Third Point told the Plantain that she had tried to get to the venue but left after circling the block for like 20 minutes trying to find parking. “I’m not going to pay 30 dollars to park at my own festival,” she added.

In an incoherent rant in front of the White House press pool, President Donald Trump challenged rapper Eminem to a freestyle battle rap, which the President said wouldn’t even be too hard. “I can rhyme. Time. Lime. Crime. Thyme with an ‘h’, like the herb or whatever,” said the President.The challenge comes a day after Eminem performed a pretaped cypher on the BET Awards, a show the President said was racist, by the way, in which he called Trump everything we all were already thinking.
The President has reportedly been practicing very hard for the upcoming battle, reportedly asking his speech writing staff to help him think of something that rhymes with “Kaepernic.”
When asked what he thought of the President spending so much time feuding with the rapper instead of running the country, Eminem said he has just happy to do his part in distracting Trump from his power to start a nuclear war.
“That guy is a real piece of shit,” said the rapper who got famous talking about beating his wife to death, a fact I guess we’re just cool with.

Charlize Theron’s new dating show “Game of Charlize Therons” premiers tonight on Bravo at 9:00PM followed by a special “Watch What Happens Live” featuring the actress politely ignoring questions from Andy Cohen about the size of Sean Penn’s penis.In the show Charlize Theron will play herself looking for love among a pool of men who are in no way emotionally equipped to date someone like Charlize Theron. The twist is as contestants are eliminated the actress will actually kill them in increasingly violent ways.
“People have been watching Charlize Theron kill people on screen for years. I think they will enjoy seeing her do it in real life too,” said executive producer Farooq Tampona, who whispered that the actress is “sort of a Joffrey.”
“What did you say about me?” screamed the South African actress in an American accent for some reason.
“Oh god, tell my wife I love her…,” said Mr. Tampona as an arrow pierced his stomach.
As I turned around I saw the actress holding a crossbow. She was terrifying and beautiful. Like Galadriel.
“Run!” she said, giving me a head start before taking chase.
Game of Charlize Therons premiers tonight at 9:00 PM on Bravo.
You can also see Charlize Theron in Third-Eye Blind lead singer Stephen Jenkin’s list of lifetime regrets.

Pitbull’s browser history reveals a confounding truth: Pitbull secretly prefers corgis.

The Plantain’s reliable-but-super-anonymous source reports that 5 of Pitbull’s 8 most recent Google searches involved corgis, the prissy British dogs known for their short legs and upright ears. The searches included “dwarf corgi puppy,” “Queen’s corgi Susan,” “Steadfast Stanley animated corgi,” and “corgi so cute lol.”

Pitbull’s thick and sexy housekeeper, James, confirmed today that he located a copy of Corgi Nation Magazine on the lighted lucite shelf near Pitbull’s toilet, immediately in front of the cigar dispenser.

A Miami-Dade County Ordinance currently prohibits residents from owning pitbulls, a breed thought to be preternaturally aggressive and which has long been associated with the type of manicured masculinity, rebelliousness, and YOLO-yelling behavior prevalent in Pitbull the sort-of rapper’s songs and Miami’s trashiest clubs.

“Corgis are all bitches” responded Jorge Ramos, Calle Ocho resident, devout Pitbull fan, and veterinary school dropout. “I guess they’re pretty cute though”, he conceded with a giggle after being shown a picture of a midsized corgi named Bess playing with a soccer ball.

When asked for comment, Mr. 305 smirked seductively behind his fresh aviators, causing this reporter to forget her troubles entirely.

Stephen Colbert has come under fire for joking that Donald Trump’s mouth would be best used as a “cock holster” for Vladimir Putin. Although the Plantain did not actually watch the clip of the joke, it has learned through sources we completely made up that Stephen Colbert has been fired as host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and will be replaced by Tucker Carlson. The new show will be called “Tucker Carlson’s Late Show With Stephen Colbert.”
“I think what Mr. Colbert said was absolutely disgusting and I’m sickened by it and am just happy that I can use what he said to further my own professional status,” said Mr. Carlson as he wiped some guacamole from his bow-tie.
The FOX News host has seen his star rise over the last several months and has been the go-to replacement host when Megyn Kelly left FOX News earlier this year and most recently replaced Bill O’Reilly after he left the network amid allegations that he is “a fucking creep.”
Mr. Carlson says that his Late Show will be very similar to what Colbert has been doing, but with less humor and viewers. “No one wants to think about the President and blow jobs,” he said, ignoring literally every joke made on late night TV about President Clinton from 1997-2000.
The Plantain spoke to Mr. Colbert, who tried to tell us that the anti-gay joke he told was not, in fact, anti-gay because it was not at the expense of the gay community, but rather just a hyperbolic political comment on the apparent closeness between Russian President Vladamir Putin and President Trump, but to be honest, we didn’t have time to hear his whole explanation because we needed to get this piece online as fast as possible before people forget that this was a thing that happened.

Progressive activist Kianah Davis-Lee agreed to briefly submit to the patriarchy Friday night to dance to R. Kelly’s Ignition-Remix. The Plantain spoke to the twenty-three year old gender theory major who acknowledged that her enjoyment of the song is problematic, but justified it as being her one feminist exception and noting that the song is so perfect you pretty much can’t not dance to it when it comes on.Kianah’s act of internalized subjugation occurred late Friday at Gramp’s where she and a contingent of other activists went to decompress over drinks after an all-day training on coping with micro-misogyny in the workplace. Throughout the 8-hour training, the activists learned about the many instances of institutionalized misogyny the patriarchy has placed on society, and how the continued subordination of women manifests itself throughout our culture.
R. Kelly’s continued popularity, despite his constantly objectifying women in his music and also his peeing on a 15-year-old girl that one time was cited as an example of cultural misogyny during the workshop, and was on Kianah’s mind when she heard the opening line come on: “Now usually I don’t do this but uh…Go head on and break em off wit a lil’ previews of the remix…”
“When I heard those lines I was offended and looked at my sisters from the training with horror. I thought of all of the womyn that R. Kelly has probably made to feel inferior throughout his career, including poor Aaliyah, and how his music has done real harm to our community. But then the verse started, and its like the only song I know every word to, and its such a fun song to sing, so I decided to just go for it”:
>No I’m not tryin’ to be rude,
But hey pretty girl I’m feelin’ you
The way you do the things you do
Remind me of my Lexus coup
That’s why im all up in your grill
Tryna get you to a hotel
You must be a football coach
The way you got me playin’ the field…

Shortly before toot-tooting and beep-beeping with his sisters, Kianah had begun to feel like her participation in the infectious singalong was, in some ways, if you really thought about it, a powerful act of reappropriation in feminist defiance of R. Kelly’s misogynistic ways.
>So baby give me that toot toot
Let me give you that beep beep
Runnin’ her hands through my ‘fro
Bouncin’ on 24’s
While they saying on the radio…

“Taking back this song is sort of the most effective thing I can do as a feminist,” thought Kianah as she rolled her body, getting every man in there wishing.
>It’s the remix to ignition
Hot and fresh out the kitchen
Mama rollin’ that body
Got every man in here wishin’
Sippin’ on coke and rum
I’m like so what I’m drunk
It’s the freakin’ weekend baby
I’m about to have me some fun

By the end of the song the rationalizations within Kianah’s head had ceased, giving way to only jubilation and a sense of youthful exuberance that she had not felt since Middle School, when she and her friends would dance to that song, unaware of the never-ending list of structural ailments holding back the women and people of color of our society.
“Fuck, that is such a great song!” she laughed aloud to the group of women she met at the equality training earlier that day, all of whom readily agreed, except Erin, who instinctively started going on about how the song was problematic, but eventually conceded that it is a pretty great piece of music and that she had fun dancing to it.
As the women cheersed to their new friendship and the power they felt, the DJ started to spin a dance remix to Chris Brown’s “Run It.”
The ladies all looked at each other uncomfortably for a moment, unsure what they should do, but eventually decided to use the opportunity as a chance to get another drink.
By Octavia Peaches (a p.o.c. womyn, so you can’t get mad)

“After a thorough and careful review of the allegations, the Company and Bill O’Reilly have agreed that Bill O’Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel,” the company said in a statement 21-years after first discovering that Bill O’Reilly is a terrible human being.O’Reilly’s departure was precipitated by a New York Times report earlier this month that O’Reilly, Fox and 21st Century Fox had reached settlements totaling $13 million with five women who had accused O’Reilly of sexual harassment or verbal abuse.
In the wake of the Times’ report, at least 60 advertisers told Fox to remove their commercials from “The O’Reilly Factor.” In a statement from Fox News, the organization said Mr. O’Reilly’s actions were not unacceptable and that it would not tolerate this level of lost profits.
“We have an obligation to our shareholders to not give a platform to anyone that cuts into our company’s bottom line,” said a Fox News spokesperson who said the company was shocked by O’Reilly’s alleged actions even though it knew about the multiple settlements he entered into with the numerous women who have accused him of improprieties over the years. “This is really much worse than the decades of racist rhetoric Bill has espoused on our network or the many other women who have accused him of sexist, violent, or harassing deeds in the past.”
Bill O’Reilly was expected to address the controversy in a pre-taped segment of The O’Reilly Factor, but due to a technical error with the teleprompter Mr. O’Reilly grew angry, looked at his wrist a few times, shook his head, and screamed “We’ll do it live, Fuck it!” adding “Fuckin’ thing sucks!” before leaving the set.

With the electronic dance music world congregating in Miami this weekend for the annual Ultra Music Festival, local father Daniel Thorton is adamant that his 19-year-old daughter Amber not attend. Mr. Thorton, an executive with TotalBank who recently moved into a waterfront condominium on Brickell Key following an acrimonious divorce with Amber’s mother, told reporters that the festival is “far too wild a place” for his adult daughter to attend. “I’ve heard of the rampant drug use at the festival and it is frankly the type of place that I need to protect Amber from until she is old enough to make responsible decisions on her own.”

When asked if Amber’s mother agreed with his decision, Mr. Thorton said that she did not, but noted that Meghan Todwell, Mr. Thorton’s 26-year-old live-in girlfriend and Amber’s former au pair, supported his decision. “Amber’s mother needs to learn how to be a parent. She seems more interested in being Amber’s friend than with disciplining our daughter or instilling positive values on her,” said Mr. Thorton, who sees Amber for brunch on most Sundays and dinner on alternating holidays. When asked to respond to Mr. Thorton’s critiques, Amber’s mother would only comment that she “trusts Amber and her ability to make decisions for herself.”

Amber, who lives in her mother’s Pinecrest home, insisted that she would still attend the festival this weekend despite her father’s opposition, noting that the tickets and outfit she purchased, which includes a blue synthetic dreadlock wig and several dayglo pacifiers, were nonrefundable. “I’ll just go and not tell my dad,” the FIU sophomore majoring in hospitality said. “I just need to make sure I avoid Meghan when I’m there so she doesn’t rat me out. That bitch.”