The Miami Dade Expressway Authority (MDX) announced today that it has plans to create a bumpered “texting lane” along the Dolphin Expressway.

“This is a necessary step we must take as a community to ensure public safety,” said MDX spokeswoman Anne Hinga, noting that educational campaigns about the dangers of texting while driving has failed to curb the ubiquitous behavior.

“Our roads are filled with millennials raised in front of a cellphone screen. We cannot realistically expect these young drivers not to text and drive,” said Ms. Hinga. “The bumpered texting lane is our attempt to mitigate the dangers of texting while driving and is a plan that we believe will save thousands of lives.”

MDX says it has entered into a memorandum of understanding with a national road consultant to draft plans for installing bumpers along each side of the middle lane of the Dolphin, an improvement expected to cost the County upwards of $75 million dollars. The Authority says it has already started to assess the viability of installing additional texting lanes on other County thoroughfares.

Sixteen-year-old Gulliver student Kelsey Gutierrez said she supported the new lane, admitting that she has already been in eight minor traffic accidents caused by phone-related inattentiveness since receiving her S-Class Mercedes at her Sweet-Sixteen party last February. The young driver noted, however, that “only old people text” and questioned whether the lanes could also be used for drivers “sending snaps” or “Instagramming cute traffic pics.” She also noted that she was “not a Millennial”, who are at this point pushing 40.

The Plantain reached out to the Miami-Dade Police Department to ask whether the texting lanes would also be available to drivers who were making Snapchat videos, Instagramming, or watching Youtube. A local law enforcement officer who asked to remain anonymous advised the Plantain that highway officers will have quite a lot of discretion about who can or cannot use the new lanes and noted that individual decisions will likely come down to officer’s mood and the driver’s race.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when there’s a murderer loose in South Beach and the MacArthur is completely backed up?

That’s the question audiences will be asking themselves when the long-awaited third installment to the Bad Boys series debuts in early 2020. In a portion of the script leaked to the Plantain by a grabby Club Madonna stripper, Detectives Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) and Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) are in hot pursuit of notorious drug dealer and murdereous bad guy hiding out at a South Point safe house. Unfortunately for our heroes, it’s 7 PM on a Saturday night so traffic on the MacArthur is just fucked and the duo has no choice but to spend the entire runtime of the movie inching their way across the Causeway while listening to Power 106.

Read the Leaked Script here:

Bad Boys III: Bad Boys Figh… by on Scribd

Move over Fontainebleau, the pool at the University of Miami, and the two blocks in the design district they no longer allow black people to visit, Miami’s hottest new spot for independently wealthy people to spend a weekday afternoon is Brickell City Centre.

Initially unwilling to spend the $40 to park at the mall, I was eventually tempted to visit by the promise of stores with unpronounceable names and an abundance of Patek Phillip watches for sale that for some reason no store would let me try on. Like, how did they know that I’m poor? I bet it was my shoes.

Unlike most malls which at least has a GAP you can go into to purchase a cheap sweater or take a nap in the dressing room, Brickell City Centre has no clothing stores that you can afford. The conciliation, of course, being that those clothes wouldn’t look good on your body type anyway, so there’s that. There is, however, a welcoming Bath and Bodyworks which you can escape to in order to momentarily pretend that you are back at Dadeland where trash like you belongs.

As for food options, standouts include Tacology and that place that people who have never been to Eataly say that it’s exactly like Eataly. Buyer beware: Tacology requires you to order on an iPad but still somehow adds an 18% service fee onto the bill without telling you they did it and then still has a TIP line on the receipt. The Nopali tacos are, however, delicious.

But it isn’t all fun. For those of you that come from family money and like the idea of saying you are an “entrepreneur”, WeWork offers a great place to both run your made up business and waste parts of your vast inheritance at the same time.

“It seems like you are just bitter because you are less wealthy and attractive than you want to be,” I said to myself in a moment of self-reflection. “Maybe those people aren’t so bad and you should just focus more on your own happiness instead of criticizing others for just living their life. You’re doing pretty good for yourself, why can’t you appreciate it?”

“I’m right,” said I, to me, “Brickell City Center isn’t so bad. It’s just not for me.”

“It’s spelled ‘Centre’ not ‘Center’, I reminded myself. “Oh, fuck this place,” I said, also now wondering if I’m schizophrenic.

Kendall, Miami’s restaurant-studded enclave that rose in popularity in the 1980’s and 1990’s as an affordable housing solution for the burgeoning Yuppie community, has been voted The Number #1 Suburb in America to Raise a Family. But residents see it differently.

Rosita Juana Eserbas, 84, says, “I’d say a more accurate designation is ‘The Number One Place to IGNORE Family.’ After my husband died, my son moved into my 3-bedroom house with his wife and kids, telling me that I should live with family and didn’t need all this space. The next thing I know, they moved me out of my own home into this tiny condo, and now I never see any of them.”

Kendall area high schools have reported to the Miami-Dade School Board that in recent years the number of kids seeking meetings with school guidance counselors has risen, 63% in the last year alone. And what do the counselors report as the main reason for seeking sessions with them? Attention. “These kids are basically living alone,” reports Cantlissa Ennimore, a guidance counselor at Kendall West High School. “Their friends are always on their phones. Their teachers—also on their phones—assign them work requiring internet research and intranet-based learning modules. Both of their parents work and their siblings are locked in their rooms playing video games. These kids are starving for human contact and attention.”

Kendall’s Number #1 ranking came from a study released Thursday from The Wellsley Berpshire Institute on Family, touting Kendall as being the idyllic, ideal suburb. A recent episode of the TV series This Old Townhouse also mentioned Kendall as a haven for the bargain-shopping DIY multitudes due to the vast numbers of run-down cookie-cutter condo community units available for purchase, remodeling, and flipping for a quick buck.

Residents declare that Kendall is nothing but a bunch of people jammed together in a box-like, rat maze, with lots of great restaurants, a couple of movie theaters, and some stores.

Uber Eats driver, Haspo Usten, 36, says that the majority of his business consists of making deliveries from Kendall restaurants to customers often just around the block from the dining establishment. “Half the time, I don’t even see the people I deliver food to—I just see a hand sticking out of the townhouse door reaching for the bag of food. It’s not hard to steal French fries or a half a sandwich from a hand,” Usten says, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

There is a general consensus among those living in Kendall, that—if it wasn’t for rush-hour traffic jams on work days—there’d be no way of knowing just how many people do live in Kendall. As for the rest of Miami residents, they never go to Kendall and mostly ignore the whole area.

By Lisa W. Hopper , a freelance journalist and staff writer for The Plantain. After writing this article, she stopped having her meals delivered, has taken a vegan cooking class, and now prepares her meals at home. She lives in north Dade County and has only ever gone to Kendall to interview residents for this article. She plans never to go there again—the traffic was terrible.

Higher Wages Now!, a 501(c)(3) registered non-profit is hiring an experienced executive director to oversee a diverse team of unpaid volunteers fighting for higher wages. The job pays $32,000 a year and has no benefits.

“We’re looking for the type of person that is dedicated to improving the rights and wages of workers,” said the group’s billionaire founder Kenneth T. Streicher, who started the organization in 2017 as a way of raising his profile. “It’s going to be a lot of hard work and a lot of long nights, but I know the right person is out there.”

Mr. Streicher says that the job provides lots of “invaluable experience” that may help his employee secure a livable wage in the future. He also notes that although they do not offer healthcare, the position does come with several coupons for 1/2 off a deep cleaning for Mr. Streicher’s brother-in-law’s dental practice. “We are looking for someone dedicated to the cause of obtaining higher wages, not someone who is only interested in the money.”

Duties include overseeing a large team of unpaid interns in formulating an executive strategy and multimedia communication campaign, organizing a national outreach effort to ensure that every worker has access to a living wage and healthcare, and spending all of your time reaching out to your own personal network trying to fundraise for the organization. “The way our country’s workers are treated is disgusting,” said Mr. Streicher, noting that pay and benefit disparity is especially egregious for young, female, or minority workers.

Higher Wage Now! is an equal opportunity employer and will give special consideration to young, female, and minority candidates. “We think it’s so important for this movement to be led by those most impacted by systemic disparity,” said Mr. Streicher without irony.

When Jenny Basques walked in on her husband of six-years in tears Wednesday evening, she feared for the worst. “Baby, what’s the matter?” she said as she ran over. “Did your mother get the test results?””No, said Hernando, 33, as he stared misty-eyed at the television. “It’s Dwyane Wade’s last game and Budweiser put out a really sad commercial.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” Jenny responded to her husband, who she had never seen cry before and whose emotional unavailability had been a source of contention between the two for years.
“It’s just so sad, Wade has done so much for Miami since joining the league in 2003, except for that time he left for Cleveland and Chicago, which we don’t talk about. I’m gonna miss him a lot,” wept Hernando, who had only last month mocked his six-year-old son for crying after he fell off his bike.
“He told our son he was ‘being a pussy’ for crying after he fell, and it turned out he had fractured his elbow!” said Jenny as she blocked the couple’s son from entering the living room at the request of her husband. “It’s not good for a boy to see his father cry,” said Hernando as he blew his nose on his Wade jersey.
“Dad,” the man’s son called from the other room. “I know you’re sad and I just want you to know that I don’t think you’re a pussy and I love you very much.”
Touched by his son’s emotional maturity, Hernando took a breath, wiped the tears from his face, and met his son in the hall.
“I love you, daddy,” said his boy, widening his arms for a hug. “Thanks, son,” said Hernando, grabbing his sons hand and giving it a vigorous shake. Hernando’s refusal to tell his son that he loved him or to hug the young boy caused the child to well up, to which Hernando told his son to stop or “he would give him something to cry about.”

Local filmmakers David Cypkin and Alfred Spellman, the duo behind the classic South Florida documentary Square Grouper, are at it again with SCREWBALL, a Miami-focused baseball movie about fraud and dishonesty that somehow isn’t about the Marlins.As a supporter of local art, I watched the film last night, and cannot convey to the viewers my disappointment with the film. The story was, in my opinion, ill-conceived and not worth the $3.99 I spent on the title. Luckily for Mssrs. Cypkin and Spellman, I had inadvertently watched a movie called “Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story”, which was the first thing that came up on my Video on Demand. Thanks, Xfinity.

“Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story” is a comedy about a wiffleball player named Ted that overcomes the odds to remain a whiffleball player named Ted. It is the kind of movie that Brian Doyle Murray shows up in toward the end for some reason, causing the person sitting next to you to say, “Hey, you know that’s Bill Murray’s brother?” Fortunately for Mr. Doyle Murray, he wasn’t actually in this movie and the actor was just the “Jump to Conclusions Guy” from Office Space. A man who is definitely not related to Bill Murray, I think.

Maybe they don’t look like each other. Is one of these guys the diabetes guy from China Syndrome? Anyway…
After watching Screwball: The Ted Whitfield Story for an hour and a half, I realized this wasn’t the movie I intended to watch, which isn’t even on Xfinity anyway. After spending another 30 minutes fiddling with my Roku and having to sign up for an account on something called Redbox Online, I finally was able to watch the actual “Screwball” movie. Brian Doyle Murray isn’t in it either.
Screwball tells the real tale of Pedro Bosch, a man with a Belizian medical degree who injected athletes and children with steroids for money. He is all of the Cuban guys that grew up in Miami in the 80’s and the type that has gotten into several arguments at a Pollo Tropical while his kid, who he only has for the weekend, shout whispers at him “can we just go?”. To make a long story short, Bosch scammed $4,000 from a guy named Porter Fisher, the kid that was bullied at your high school but now works out too much and tries to sell you something called Shakeology through Facebook messenger once a year (I’m still not interested, Jeremy!).
The conflict between Porter and Bosch eventually “took down” numerous steroid pumping baseball stars including Alex Rodriguez and other famous athletes I definitely heard of before the movie. And by “took down,” I mean it didn’t, because A-rod is doing just fine. He does seem like a weirdo though and, although this wasn’t mentioned in the movie, is definitely is the type of guy that has jerked off to videos of himself hitting homers.
Screwball has gotten a lot of attention for its use of children during the film’s reenactments, an effective and entertaining storytelling device that is unfortunately ethically undercut by a scene during the credits in which the child actors are shown actually playing baseball among themselves. During the film’s parting moments, there is a shot of the child that plays Porter Fisher throwing a ball with just absurdly poor form. Like, the worst throw ever filmed on camera. That the filmmakers would put such an embarrassing shot of this young man in the movie is shocking and we have heard that CPS has opened an investigation on the filmmakers.
Screwball is an entertaining movie that is more about the folks you see driving rented BMWs on the Rickenbacker than Major League Baseball. It deserves to be seen once it shows up on Xfinity or Netflix.
Screwball: A
Screwball: The Tim Whitfield Story: C-
The Kid that Plays Porter’s Throwing Arm: F
Child Tim Elfrink’s Demon Red Beard: B+
Redbox Online’s Sign Up Process: F
This Article’s Photoshop: A+

The County’s religious leaders are fuming about the proposed plans for Interstate 395. “I’d say we’re more like terrified,” shouted Chaplain Ernesto Greenstein. “The planned design is a direct link to our end of days.” Greenstein was referring to the Old Testament’s Book of Revelations, which serves as the Bible’s finale where a “seven-headed dragon” puts an end to mankind. It’s a chilling coincidence that Revelations 3:95 states, “Man’s travels in the south shall be hindered with a path to his well-deserved doom.”There does seem to be a striking resemblance between the planned roads and the beast depicted in the Bible. Greenstein’s hands perceptibly trembled as he smoked a
filterless Camel. “Didn’t we learn our lesson when the Palmetto Expressway was built on Opa-Lockan Tribal burial land in the 70s?” Greenstein was referring to the landmark
1978 lawsuit, Opa-Locka Tribe vs Dade County, where the tribal elders ostensibly cursed the Palmetto, causing decades of unconscionable traffic issues.
Local religious experts are asking the public to pray this Thursday, 2:00-2:30 pm, that the construction and our doom be swift and reasonable.
By Richard Wickliffe