The Miami Heat are in the NBA Finals, which means fans across Miami and pretenders as far north as Boca are cheering them on as they take on Lebron James and the LA Lakers for the championship. If you’ve been a fan of the Miami Heat, you should know that it is a tradition for South Floridians to celebrate a Heat win by clanking together pots and pans while wearing a Chris Bosh jersey they got in 2013 that used to fit. “Only in Dade!” yelled one pot holding Heat fan who was too high and accidentally banged his Abuela’s ceramic vase in celebration until it shattered.

In an attempt to embrace this loud and obnoxious celebratory tradition, the Miami Heat announced that they will be releasing an official, limited-edition line of Heat-branded pots and pans so die-hard fans can celebrate in style.

The Plantain spoke to new Heat hero, 20-year-old Tyler Herro, and asked him what he thought about the Heat’s new product line and whether he is excited about being embraced by Miami’s fans. “Yeah, it’s cool” before snarling his upper lip. We asked the devilishly handsome boy how it felt leading the Heat to a finals showdown against former Heat legend Lebron James, to which the sexy, young, so-white-he-could-sell-shoes-at-a-Klan-rally player said “Um, do you want to talk to Jimmy or Bam? They’re really the two responsible for our playoff run.” Looks, talent, and humility!

We declined his offer because we had to get downtown for an interview with Duncan Robinson, and it isn’t because Jimmy and Bam are Black so don’t even think that’s the case we’re just really impressed that Tyler Herro had one really good game and therefore we’re going to put him on all of our Plantain/Heat branded merchandise and in the foreground of pictures in front of the perennial All-Star who willed this underdog team to a Finals appearance in the first place.

The Plantain reached out to former Heat champion Lebron James about his thoughts on the new line of pots and pans and whether he misses Miami’s unique cultural celebration. “Yeah, Miami was a great place to play and if they beat us in the Finals this year I might have to take my talents back to South Beach and play with Tyler Herro, Duncan Robinson, Goran Dragic, and the rest of the guys on that roster.”

The Heat-branded line of pots and pans are available on the official Miami Heat website as well as the Heat Stores located within the Dolphin Mall. The pots and pans are made in China which a representative of the Miami Heat’s Beijing office, Xian Lu, who is overseeing the manufacturing of the product line, told me was going “A-okay yankee-applesauce” before noting preemptively that China is a very good country with no human rights violations and how much he loves Tyler Herro.

By Michael de ArmasAmerican Airlines Arena, home of the Miami Heat basketball team, has been abuzz with the news that Miami sports legend Dwyane Wade would be returning to the team from an unfortunate disagreement and exile that lasted several years.
Old employees of the arena greeted Wade with tears in their eyes upon seeing the idol return. Newer employees sheepishly waved in awe as Wade, 36, strode through the tunnels of the AA Arena, beholding his own likeness among the championship murals blazoning the walls. However, once in the confines of the shrine-like locker room confusion quickly ensued.
The famous returning player was warmly greeted by Maria Contreras, 62, a CVS employee working as a greeter at the new ‘CVS y Mas’ installed conveniently in Wade’s old locker. However, Wade was visibly shaken by the change and spent several moments seated on the floor, dazed, surrounded by AA Arena and CVS personnel, who asked him if he wanted a CVS Brand Gold Emblem Peach Soda Water or confection at a steady discount as consolation.
> Wade was visibly shaken and spent several moments seated on the floor, dazed.
Wade told The Plantain, “This is the first place I went after we won the chip’ in 06, I came here after my first game in the league, too, and cried. This spot means so much to me, so much… now people will only come here mainly to fill their prescriptions… Things change, I guess, but why must they change like this?”
Despite the initial shock, Wade quickly adapted and now seems relatively comfortable in his new locker next to the CVS. He has formed an unlikely friendship with Maria, the admiring CVS greeter, and plans to visit the CVS if he ever needs an ACE bandage for an in-game sports injury, shampoo, or something to drink late at night.
Michael de Armas is a photojournalist and staff writer for The Plantain.