By Michael de ArmasThe Miami Marlins in an odd promotional stunt, had a man with a comically large name tag reading Arnold, and a marlin painted on his face come out onto center field between the top and bottom of the seventh inning in today’s game versus the Mets simply to set two worn ash bats on fire with a barbeque lighter.
Arnold, a tired looking man of about forty years, who The Plantain discovered was an old roadie for the band Metallica during the 90s, simply walked out onto the middle of the field at the half of the seventh inning and unceremoniously set two bats on fire and just as promptly walked off, looking down at his feet lethargically, leaving the visiting center fielder Juan Lagares to find a place for the charred pieces when play resumed.
After the game, team president Derek Jeter fielded questions over the odd display.
On the man being very clearly named Arnold: Well you want people to identify with a mascot, and we had a few meetings and we all agreed the name Arnold was a good name. Go Arnold!
> An old roadie for the band Metallica during the 90’s walked out onto the field in the seventh inning and unceremoniously set two bats on fire and then just walked off.
On the possible political implications of the promotion: Well you never want to send the wrong message, and we did put a lot of thought into whether it was the right thing to show during the seventh inning stretch when God Bless America could be playing, we asked several people what they thought and none of them could really make heads or tails of it so we decided it was probably alright.
On the nature of the promotion itself: Well, fire is exciting and sometimes in baseball, when the offense is doing well you say ‘Their bats are on fire’ so we decided that would be cool.
On Who Arnold is: Arnold has a mysterious past, we aren’t really sure on the backstory yet, but I can tell you it is really really mysterious, and he has different powers we are working on. He is somehow related to fish. We all agree he should be from the ocean.
On Billy: Billy was great but the costume was very expensive, unfortunately, we had to repurpose the fabric to fix some of the paddings on the outfield wall.
Michael de Armas is a staff writer for The Plantain

By Michael de ArmasAdvisors inside the secretive Kremlin have been alarmed in recent weeks by a series of events that point towards a fatal possibility, Vladimir Putin is actually a Millennial of about 24 years of age plagued by insecurity and social awkwardness. Privately advisors have reached out to The Plantain via stealth nuclear submarines along the eastern seaboard for the story “I asked him if he wanted to kill that bastard Sergei Skripal with the nerve agent in London, and he kinda just laughed and said ‘sure’. After we did it he was acting really passive aggressive about it but like in a self-deprecating way, he was like ‘well, of course, it was my idea.’. Now I’m thinking he didn’t actually hear me when I asked the first time cause he like asked me to repeat myself a couple of times, so he just said ‘yeah’ or whatever but now he doesn’t want to admit he made a mistake or something. No one knows what to do.”
> He said Robert Kraft showed him his ring and when Mr.Kraft turned to leave without it he tried to stop him but was unable to get his attention.
Fears began rising in 2005 when Putin returned to Moscow from a trip to America with a stolen NFL championship ring. “He put it on the table and sort of paced around nervously, asking us what he should do. He said Robert Kraft showed him his ring and when Mr.Kraft turned to leave without it he tried to stop him but was unable to get his attention. We all looked at each other expecting him to reveal it was all a joke, that’s when he started crying. He was worried the police would find out, we all had to leave the room. Now we simply don’t bring it up.”
Reliable sources have reported various incidents such as the above to The Plantain, these include: Lengthy apologies secreted individually to advisors via text over personal issues and perceived slights the advisors were completely unaware were happening between them, obvious anxiety over accepting or making phone calls, general fidgetiness and unease when a particular secretary named Sasha enters the room, An uncomfortable and probable anxiety induced predilection towards an office dog named Kazan during important meetings. “This behavior is driving us insane, it’s like you just want to slap him in the face and tell him to grow up, but then you remember he has killed thousands of people and you just wonder who he is.”
Michael de Armas is the Lifestyle Correspondent for The Plantain

By Michael de ArmasAmerican Airlines Arena, home of the Miami Heat basketball team, has been abuzz with the news that Miami sports legend Dwyane Wade would be returning to the team from an unfortunate disagreement and exile that lasted several years.
Old employees of the arena greeted Wade with tears in their eyes upon seeing the idol return. Newer employees sheepishly waved in awe as Wade, 36, strode through the tunnels of the AA Arena, beholding his own likeness among the championship murals blazoning the walls. However, once in the confines of the shrine-like locker room confusion quickly ensued.
The famous returning player was warmly greeted by Maria Contreras, 62, a CVS employee working as a greeter at the new ‘CVS y Mas’ installed conveniently in Wade’s old locker. However, Wade was visibly shaken by the change and spent several moments seated on the floor, dazed, surrounded by AA Arena and CVS personnel, who asked him if he wanted a CVS Brand Gold Emblem Peach Soda Water or confection at a steady discount as consolation.
> Wade was visibly shaken and spent several moments seated on the floor, dazed.
Wade told The Plantain, “This is the first place I went after we won the chip’ in 06, I came here after my first game in the league, too, and cried. This spot means so much to me, so much… now people will only come here mainly to fill their prescriptions… Things change, I guess, but why must they change like this?”
Despite the initial shock, Wade quickly adapted and now seems relatively comfortable in his new locker next to the CVS. He has formed an unlikely friendship with Maria, the admiring CVS greeter, and plans to visit the CVS if he ever needs an ACE bandage for an in-game sports injury, shampoo, or something to drink late at night.
Michael de Armas is a photojournalist and staff writer for The Plantain.