Juliana Obando, a four-day old mosquito from Hialeah, is at the center of a County-wide controversy after she was caught by the Florida Department of Agriculture last week and tested positive for Zika, and also Gonorrhea.  

Florida’s Agricultural Commissioner Adam H. Putham said that his team is working hard to contain the outbreak, which he described as challenging because Juliana was “acting like a real whore”:

“Our initial investigation reveals that Ms. Obando likely caught Zika, and Gonorrhea, from a visiting university student from São Paulo who failed to use DEET. As Ms. Obando bounced indiscriminately from the arms of many sweaty South American tourists, the viruses likely spread.”

The Plantain spoke with Ms. Obando and her father, Retired Navy Colonel David Abreu Obando, and was surprised to find the young culicidae cavalier about her promiscuous and free spirited behavior.

“Why would I be sorry?” asked Ms. Obando defiantly. “I’m a mature, intelligent, and proud Mosquitx and am free to suck fluids from whoever I want.”

“Juliana!” said Col. Obando with force as his daughter buzzed above their pool of standing water. “Where is this coming from? You were not raised this way!”

“Of course I was, Papa! I learned it from you, we all knew you were stepping out on Mom before she died. She knew it too.” 

The color in Col. Obando’s face drained as he remembered his wife, who died tragically the day before last at the hands of a rolled-up newspaper. Juliana continued: “And what about the way you always joke with Ramone about all of his girlfriends. Like you’re always so proud of Ramone. How is me enjoying my own life any different?”

“It just is, Juli! You are my daughter.”

“Yeah, Juli. Stop being such a  slut,” said Juliana’s club-promoting brother Ramone.

“Shut up!” Juliana and her father shouted at Ramone at once.

“I shouldn’t have to live by different set of rules and standards just because I was born with less flagella on my antennas than Ramone.”

“Juliana, I’m not arguing with you, but as long as you are living under my…”

“Well maybe I’ll leave then,” she interrupted her father.

Col. Obando stared at his daughter, remembering her birth as if it were only last week, which it was. He sighed deeply, realizing that he would not be able to protect her forever. “Okay,” he finally said after a long pause. “Just promise me you’ll be careful. I can’t stand the idea of losing you too.”

“I will,” said Juliana, surprised at her father’s concession. They hugged.

“I can’t believe you’re really okay with her being a slut,” said Ramone, ruining the moment. 

Shut up” shouted Col. Obando and his daughter in unison.

By Samantha Alvarez

Martin Alvarez and his 8-year-old son were involved in a minor traffic accident Tuesday night at the intersection of NW 87th Avenue and NW 58th Street when Thelma Mendez, a 42-year-old office assistant from Doral, rear-ended Mr. Alvarez’s Mitsubishi Galant while texting her husband “what do u wnt 4 diner?” Following the accident, Mr. Alvarez exited his vehicle in order to inspect the damage. As he approached Ms. Mendez’s leased Mercedes-Benz S-Class to make sure she was not hurt, the mother-of-three rolled down her window to launch an expletive riddled tirade at Mr. Alvarez, blaming him for being a “pinche idiota” that “did not pay enough attention.”

“I didn’t understand why she was so angry at me”, Mr. Alvarez told reporters. “I was stopped at a red light when she hit me and there was no damage to either car. My son was really worried that she was going to become violent.” Ms. Mendez could not be immediately reached for comment as she was driving home, but responded via text:

“i hit some car bt no damag. Picked up chickn kitchen, will b home soon.”

“srry wrong message. No comment”

“I would hate to think that my parents didn’t get their money’s worth,” said 31-year-old Brickell newlywed Katie Murray of her lavish early summer wedding. “But the truth is, I’ve known for a while that Josh isn’t for me. We had been together for 4 years, and I had just turned 30, so when he asked me to marry him I was excited and said yes. Then it was just a whirlwind and before I knew it we had a guest list and a venue and I couldn’t back out. I’m hoping for the best, but I don’t think I can last more than two years.”

Mrs. Murray and her new husband Josh adopted 5-month-old beagle, Lola, immediately after returning from their underwhelming honeymoon to Sandals Montego Bay in Jamaica.

“The trip was pretty awful,” said Josh, 33. “We didn’t even have sex. Plus it rained the entire time. But in between fights we agreed that we couldn’t do this alone and decided to get a puppy. I wanted a corgi, she wanted a dachshund, and we settled on a beagle. Marriage is about compromise.”

“We’ll be able to tolerate each other for about another year and a half before we have some blowout argument that ends in our breakup. I’m already planning an affair,” said Josh with a grin.

“Oh me too,” agreed Katie.

“What the fuck, Katie? You’re planning an affair? Is that why you’re at Orange Theory all the time?”

“Josh, you literally just said you were also planning an affair.”

“I know, but it’s different when you say it.”

“That’s sexist, Josh,” replied Katie as she turned her back toward her husband.

“Anyway, we adopted Lola to take the focus off of our glaring inadequacies as a couple. At this point, I’m interested to see who wins the argument over who will keep the dog,” Josh said as he smiled and pet Lola’s head. “Oh yeah, that’s going to be a real bad fight,” Katie agreed, both laughing.

Local spinning instructor, Teresa Sledge, reported an increase in Katie’s attendance since she returned from her honeymoon. “She is always in here. I can tell she’s preparing her body to be single again. She’s the type of girl that will want to be on and off the market quickly to avoid confronting her personal problems,” said Ms. Sledge, herself a divorcee who started spinning after discovering that Michael, her husband of 6-years, had reconnected with his ex-girlfriend and now wife Deviana on Facebook. “It’s called sublimation!” said Ms. Sledge, unsure if she was using the word properly.

Josh reports, however, that he has taken a contrary approach, deciding to pursue a regiment of weight gain and depression to better bargain for ownership rights to the dog in the impending breakup.

“Lola’s my little pal. I’m going to need her,” said Josh.

“Over my dead body,” replied Katie to her fornow husband.

In an exclusive interview, the Plantain asked Lola how she felt about her owner’s eventual breakup, to which the puppy licked this reporter’s finger, said that she didn’t like being used as a pawn in her puppy-parents’ sick relationship, and then proceeded to pee in the corner of the couple’s apartment.

“Oh I guess it’s my job to clean this up,” Katie said to Josh as she went to grab a roll of paper towels from the kitchen.

“Do you want me to clean it up?” asked Josh unenthusiastically.

“No, you don’t do it right,” said a defeated Katie before bending down to scratch Lola’s puppy head and saying to the dog in a shrill sing-songy voice, “oh I can’t stay mad at you, no I can’t. You’re so cute, yes you are, yes you are. You’re the only one I love,” as Josh raised the volume of the television to drown out his wife’s song and his own inner thoughts.

By Joseph Powell

Antoine Jackson, a 17-year-old African American honors student, was shot by police Thursday night just for even thinking about eating another human’s face.

The incident occurred as the teenager was walking home from a neighborhood park with friends. The group began to discuss the recent news that a 19-year old Florida man was arrested after he was found cannibalizing the face of a man that he stabbed to death.

“We were just walking home from the park and my buddy Tiki mentioned that the police didn’the use deadly force to stop the kid from continuing to eat that dude’s face. The last thing I remember is saying rhetorically that “I wonder what would happen if the police found me eating someone’s face” and all of a sudden I felt a tremendous amount of pain. I later found out I had been shot.”

Mr. Jackson was shot by Officer Jon McNaughton who wrote in an incident report that he had overheard the teenager’s conversation and had determined Mr. Jackson’s rhetorical question to constitute a terroristic threat warranting the use of deadly force.

Dexter Oliveira, an 18-hour-old Zika carrying mosquito, is seated outside of Panther Coffee’s Wynwood location. “My friends call me “Buzz”, he says as he takes a sip of his chai tea latte, “but it’s like an ironic nickname, you know?”

Buzz is new to Wynwood, having arrived this morning after receiving word from his Brazilian cousin Rodrigo about the culture and entertainment Miami’s art district has to offer, as well as the ready availability of feasting spots on the exposed backs, thighs, and navels of the district’s native hipster residents.

“I think Wynwood represents a wonderful opportunity for mosquitos like Buzz and me,” said Rodrigo, the son of a wealthy Brazilian industrialist mosquito who was raised in a palatial larval housing outside of São Paulo. “We look forward to helping Wynwood grow,” Rodrigo said before detailing his first local business venture: a luxury blood juice bar. “We will offer the community a completely organic, non-GMO assortment of different blood types,” said Rodrigo, adding “$11 a cup, $20 a pint.”

But not everyone is happy with the arrival of Buzz, Rodrigo, and their fedora-wearing compatriots. Local resident Cassandra Davidson, who moved to Wynwood 8-months ago after graduating with a degree in marketing from Vassar, says the recent wave of mosquito immigration threatens to change the historic character of her neighborhood.

“I’m not racist, but these mosquitos come here and bring disease and have absolutely no respect for the culture or community we built,” said Ms. Davidson, “They aren’t even learning to code.”

Ms. Davidson and other Wynwood residents also worry that the influx of wealthy mosquitos will raise housing prices and force her and her neighbors to leave their community. Several developers have already begun planning major developments that they hope will attract more Zika carrying mosquitos to Wynwood, including a 33-story luxury condominium and retail space which will house several billion mosquitos.

“It isn’t fair. This is our home,” said Ms. Davidson as she unconsciously clutched her purse as 33-year-old African American Darnell McClintock, who had lived in Wynwood his entire life but was forced out after his landlord tripled his rent three-years ago, walked passed her table. “It just isn’t fair.”

A South Florida man playing the newly launched Pokémon Go caught more than he expected when he stumbled across a white police officer beating an unarmed black man.

Felix Katcher was walking through his Homestead neighborhood trying to catch a Diglett on the mobile game when he happened upon a white uniformed police officer attacking an unarmed black University of Miami medical student.

“As I was searching for the Diglett, Pokémon Go’s server must have gone down. I kept trying to restart the app and I guess I accidentally opened my camera. At first, I thought I was watching a Wartortle battle the Diglett I was after, but then I realized what I was seeing.”

Mr. Katcher uploaded the video to Facebook seconds after he realized what he had recorded.

The video comes less than a week after the police shootings of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile, both of which were captured on video, sparking this month’s nationwide outcry that #BlackLivesMatter. Mr. Sterling and Mr. Castile’s murders prompted protests across the country, including one in Dallas where several police officers were also tragically killed.

Pokémon Go was also launched last week and has become the most downloaded app in America, compelling adults like Mr. Katcher to meander aimlessly as they try to “catch ‘em all”.

In a statement from the Homestead Police Department, Sargent Gary Davis said that the unnamed white officer’s violence was justified. “The suspect had clearly pulled out what appeared to be a gun and our officer responded in accordance with his training,” said Sargent Davis who had not yet seen the recording.

Leonard Johnson, the victim of the attack, denies that he was attempting to garnish a weapon, stating that he was himself merely pulling out his phone to check the area for Pokémon when the Homestead police officer spotted him. “I was only in the area because I was told I could catch a Dragonair around there. If it wasn’t for Pokémon Go this wouldn’t have happened,” said Mr. Johnson, “also, if I wasn’t black.”

In an exclusive interview with the Plantain, Mr. Katcher’s Squirtle, who was also witness to the attack, said: “Squirtle Squirtle, sad Squirtle. Stop killing black people, Squirtle Squirtle.”

Mr. Katcher has received praise on social media for posting the video but insists that it was not his intention to start a conversation about race. “I was only focused on catching that Diglett,” confessed Mr. Katcher. When ask​ed whether he was aware that the object of Pokémon Go was to catch “ALL” of the Pokémon, and not just Digletts, the 32-year-old said: “Well obviously, but I’m not going to ignore the Diglett that is in front of me that desperately needs catchin’ just because there are also other Pokémon in the world.”

BY Joey Ganguzza of Villain Theater

There’s something strange in dozens of South Floridia’s waterfront neighborhoods: Huge colonies of algae have blanketed their beaches with thick green blooms of a smelly ooze-like substance.

And it don’t look good.

But who you gonna blame for the environmental disaster? According to documents uncovered by The Plantain, an aging dike that went unrepaired as part of an “immersive promotional agreement” between Columbia Pictures and Florida’s Department of Fish and Wildlife to promote the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot.

The documents reveal that the film studio contracted with the Fish and Wildlife Department after one of the film’s producers read a newspaper article discussing the Department’s plan to renovate a long-ignored dike outside of Lake Okeechobee. The article said the improvements were necessary to prevent blue-green algae colonies, which produce a putrid green, sludgelike substance similar to the “ectoplasm” material from the Ghostbusters franchise, from infiltrating Florida’s coastal waterways.

The Department received $1,200 in exchange for delaying the scheduled dike repairs until after the film’s July 15 release date, at which time the film’s stars would join members of the Department’s newly-branded “Algae Busters” unit to pour algaecide into the waterways during a taped segment for The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

What was initially projected to be a relatively small blossom, however, grew exponentially do to unexpectedly strong winds. As a result, large portions of Florida’s south eastern coast are now covered with the smelly green sludge.

“It appears that the thick discharge and putrid smell was caused an aging dike that didn’t get enough attention,” said Florida’s Governor Rick Scott in a statement viewed by many as homophobic. “The State regrets entering into this agreement with Columbia Pictures and is working diligently to contain the algae.

For their part, Columbia Pictures has provided waterfront residents with free tickets to see the movie, Ghostbusters branded towels and thumb drives, and face masks to help block out the putrid smell emanating from the algae pods.

But for residents like Sidney David Schroeder, the free swag is not enough.

“It’s a goddamn shame,” said the 33-year-old Game Stop employee who has lived in his parents’ waterfront home his entire life and remembers playing off its now-algae infested dock fondly. “It’s like they have set out to ruin my childhood.”

When asked how the algae blooms were “ruining his childhood,” Mr. Schroeder explained that he was referring to the new Ghostbusters movie, stating “I mean female Ghostbusters? That’s not a thing! They are literally raping my childhood. It isn’t right.”

When pressed whether the recent algae growth had any effect on his youthful memories of playing in the water, Mr. Shroeder said “of course not. Nothing could tarnish those memories or how much joy I experienced at the time. Memories are not so fickle.”

As he carried the glass tank out of his car, Kendall resident Carlos Zapata recalled his history breeding cobras.

“I got the first two King Cobras when I was in college. I thought they were so cool. I didn’t realize they would breed so quickly, and before I knew it, I was giving them away to anyone I thought could handle them,” Mr. Zapata said. “But now, I have a couple dozen of them, and my wife said it was either her or the snakes, so they have to go.”

As he prepared to release the worlds largest venomous snakes on the eastern edge of the Everglades, Mr. Zapata amended his statement.

“Actually, my wife has been pretty cool with the animals overall. We still have the Mitred Parakeets, Veiled Chameleons, Green Iguanas, ferrets, heck we still have a Ball Python and Corn Snakes,” he said. “She just doesn’t want venomous snakes in the house now that we have a baby on the way. Please don’t print anything that could possibly be deemed as a criticism of my wife.”

As he used a 3-foot cane to lift the King Cobras from their tanks, he pondered the effects that one more species could possibly have on his surroundings.

“We already have dozens of exotic reptiles in Miami. Burmese Pythons and Nile Crocodiles in the Everglades. Iguanas, Tegus, and Monitor Lizards on the canal banks, Knight Anoles in the trees. What more could one species do?”

By Josh

Recently divorced Miami-Dade College professor Yamileth Arojo was disturbed by the grammar, spelling, and syntax of the local, online-dating community and decided to do something about it. Last fall, Ms. Arojo rebranded her remedial English course as Grammar for Tinder, which promises to improve students’ online dating success by teaching them how to draft solicitations for romance that are both inviting and grammatically correct.

“A number of studies have shown that poor grammar has a negative impact on one’s ability to find a mate online. Having spent several months on Tinder, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, and other dating sites myself, I saw first-hand that local online daters were in desperate need of grammatical instruction,” said the 33-year-old teacher, who started online dating after her husband of 12-years decided that he “just needed to find himself.”

Daniel Jacobsen, a shy 22-year-old with an insatiable foot fetish, learned about Ms. Arojo’s class after he sent her the following unschooled proposition on Tinder:

hi Sexy ladie. do u wnt to meat for fucking. pls ware sandles darling?”

Rather than ignoring her illiterate suitor, Ms. Arojo responded to Daniel’s message with an invitation of her own: to meet her at Miami-Dade’s Kendall campus for a remedial grammar lesson.

“I didn’t really want a grammar lesson,” confessed Mr. Jacobsen, a chubby GameStop Employee, “but no one ever responded to me on Tinder before, and she had really nice feet in one of her pictures, so I figured I would go to her class and, who knows, maybe I’d learn a thing or two or just stare at her feet.”

As she started class, Ms. Aroyo warned her students that “common grammar mistakes like confusing ‘too,’ ‘two,’ and ‘to,’ as well as ‘your’ with ‘you’re’ will ruin their chances of getting laid.” Behind the teacher, a projector featured the following message that she had received from another student, 26-year-old mechanic Arturo Reyes:

I want too eat yr pussy

Pointing to the projection, Ms. Arojo explained to her students that if Mr. Reyes ever wanted to become a cunning linguist, he would need to stop unnecessarily abbreviating short words, learn that the “too” in this sentence should be spelled “to,” and add punctuation, like a period or an exclamation mark, at the end of the sentence.

“We start with the basics,” explained Ms. Arojo, who has been hooking up with Mr. Reyes since the night he sent his untaught proposition. “But, this course is so much more than just teaching students basic sentence structure and elementary-level grammar. I also want to teach these men how to be romantic in their approach. So, while my students’ ultimate goal may be to perform a sexual act with the anonymous person to whom they are speaking, by the end of my class, they should know that they don’t have to, and should not, lead with that right off the bat.”

As a general rule, Ms. Arojo recommends that explicit sexual demands come no sooner than the third reciprocated message.

When asked to comment on why, despite his inarticulate message and flabby abdomen, Ms. Arojo still chose to take Mr. Reyes up on his indecent proposal, the teacher told this reporter to “not judge her” because she was “having a really rough day” when she saw Mr. Reyes’ message and that there are “exceptions to every rule.”

On Thursday, the City of Miami Commission unanimously passed a resolution to officially name the neighborhood between 79th and 54th streets and NW 6th and NE 2nd Avenues as “Little Haiti”. To most, officially recognizing “Little Haiti” is a no-brainer and a symbolic gesture that acknowledges the impact Haitian immigrants have had on our community.

But for very very white real estate developer Phillip E. Breckinridge, the idea of officially naming the land that has been known as “Little Haiti” for 40 years “Little Haiti” is a travesty and bad for business. He believes the area should be known by its original, non-ethnic name “Lemon City”.

“We need to respect the history of the area,” said Mr. Breckinridge who purchased several investment properties in the Haitian community around 5-years ago and has watched his property’s values stagnate due to the continued presence of Haitians, Bahamians, and African Americans in the area.

The area was initially called Lemon City in the 1800’s when it was founded by several families of Lemons. Starting in the 1970’s, however, the community became universally known as “Little Haiti” after a wave of Haitian immigrants emigrated to the neighborhood and began to build the rich and vibrant cultural community it is today.

Speaking before the City Commission, Mr. Breckinridge and representatives of his all-white group Developers Objecting to Unnecessary and Costly Historical Enactments, or simply “DOUCHE“, asked the City Commission and the people of Little Haiti to “respect history” and continue to leave the impact of Miami’s Haitian community unrecognized.

When asked by the Commission to address criticisms levied at him and other DOUCHEs that their objection to Little Haiti’s recognition was really an effort to minimize the ethnic identity of the neighborhood in order to hasten gentrification and increase property values, Mr. Breckinridge balked.

“There is really nothing racist or nefarious at all about our objecting to the name “Little Haiti,” replied Mr. Breckinridge before mentioning that he had “a ton” of black friends.

“This is about respect for history,” said Mr. Breckinridge who noted that he also supported similar proposals to force people to start calling things by their former, out-of-use names, including one that would cause Mohammad Ali to be renamed “Cassius Clay”, and another that would change the name of New York to “New Amsterdam”. “This is about tradition.”

After the vote, an enraged Mr. Breckinridge returned to the area now officially known as Little Haiti and, in a last ditch effort, began to spray paint the words “LEMON CITY” on every sign, wall, or marker he could find. When confronted by the Plantain, Mr. Breckinridge said that he would never stop his efforts to have the land renamed Lemon City, noting that in order for him to get a reasonable return on his investment he needed at least a 40% increase in white residents to the area over the next 3-years. “White people just don’t want to buy luxury condos in a place called Little Haiti,” said Mr. Breckinridge candidly. “It’s nothing personal.”