It appear that West Kendall, the unincorporated suburban community known for its traffic and strip malls, is about to undergo another major rebranding effort. At a press conference outside of an abandoned Toyota dealership, County Commissioner Juan C. Zapata announced that he had introduced a resolution to rename the area “Las Vegas”, a name he hopes will bring tourism to the sprawl.

“Las Vegas is the perfect name for our community. Like the real Las Vegas, West Kendall has countless entertainment and dining options, as well as an abundance of reasonably priced prostitutes,” the Commissioner told reporters. “I think all that is holding our community back is its name.”

West Kendall, of course, has already undergone a significant rebranding effort at the hands of Commissioner Zapata. Earlier this year the Commissioner tried with little success to convince locals to refer to the area as Miami’s “West End”, a name intended to evoke the fashionable elegance of London’s theater district. In practice, however, the West End rebranding attempt evoked only confusion and consternation.

“I think the “West End” would have been a great name for the community because West Kendall, like London, is a posh area that brings to mind world-class art and culture. But the name failed to catch on and I am self-aware enough to know when to abandon a well-intentioned, though ultimately misguided, cause,” said the Commissioner.

Coinciding with the planned name change is a proposal to bring legalized gambling to the suburban community. Reports suggest that Commissioner Zapata is already courting the Malaysian conglomerate Genting with promises of subsidies with the hope that they build a casino in soon-to-be “Las Vegas, Miami”.

The Plantain asked Regina George, a West Kendall local, whether she supported Commissioner Zapata’s never-ending effort to rename her community. Ms. George–who noted that she was angered by the Commissioner’s treatment of the West Kendall name, and by extension its residents, as stigmatized–directed her answer to her Commissioner:

“Stop trying to make the West End happen! It is NOT going to happen!”

An ostentation of peacocks have been arrested in Coconut Grove for orchestrating a fraud ring that has scammed local residents out of millions.

According to he City of Miami Police Sergeant Emanuel Goodman, the gang of peacocks, known locally as “The Cock Ring”, would jump in front of drivers texting from luxury vehicles on Old Cutler Road, feign injuries, and agree to “settle” out of court for amounts upwards of $7,000. “The peacocks have been running the scam for several years, and would successfully target dozens of vehicles every day.”

The scheme was orchestrated by 4-year-old peacock and life-long Grove resident George Abromowitz, who issued the following statement, over and over, at the top of his bird lungs, at his arraignment this morning:

“QUEEEH QUEEEH QUEEEH QUEEEEH QUEEEH QUEEEH!”

Trial is set for May.

The southbound section of Interstate 95 has been reopened after an 18-wheeler crashed and leaked white privilege from Fort Lauderdale onto the road early this morning.

Florida Department of Transportation officials said the 18-wheeler was the only vehicle involved in the crash along the southbound I-95 near Miami Shores at about 4:45 a.m.

The interstate reopened at about 9 a.m. after crews cleaned approximately two tons of societal privileges and micro-aggressions benefiting people who identify as white in Western countries, beyond what is commonly experienced by non-white people under the same social, political, or economic circumstances. The shipment of white privilege was on its way to Pinecrest from Weston.

Less than 48-hours after receiving two-million dollars in state funds to redevelop 10 miles of land underneath the Metrorail into a linear park, Underline has almost nothing left to show for it. Sources close to the tract, which until recently was known by his street-name “M-Path”, say the 32-year-old parcel began spending the money on drugs and prostitutes almost immediately. “It was a spectacular scene,” reported Arthur T. Jones, a vagrant that has lived underneath the Metrorail since the early 1990s. “There were drugs everywhere. We kept telling M to slow down, but he just wouldn’t listen.”

“Underline’s behavior has put the project in permanent jeopardy,” said a visibly frustrated Meg Daly, the project’s coordinator. “Both the state and our community have shown a willingness to help rehabilitate the underutilized land into a vibrant community park, but ultimately nothing will get done until Underline decides to help himself.”

When reached for comment, an emotional Underline admitted to reporters that he has a substance abuse problem. “I’m so sorry to those I’ve disappointed and hope I am able to earn back the trust of my community.” He plans to check himself into a 90-day rehabilitation program near Ormond Beach in the coming weeks. Underline’s father, Miami-Dade County’s Transportation Trust, who himself suffered a similar scandal years earlier after it was discovered that he used funds from a 1/2 penny tax on residents intended for public transportation improvements to pay for an $8,000-a-day heroin addiction, could not be reached for comment.

“It’s such a shame,” said Mr. Jones of his friend’s recent troubles. “I was really looking forward to seeing M refurbished. The Underline seems like a really nice place to live. I hope the project can survive.”

Learn more about the Underline HERE
And join the Underline team on April 2nd for a ton of free activities in celebration of Miami’s soon-to-be favorite new park.