City Commissioner Joe Carollo proposed a resolution banning all dancing in Little Havana, an act seen by many as part of a longstanding vendetta he has against Bill Fuller, the owner of Ball and Chain, a popular nightclub in Little Havanna.Commissioner Carollo said his reasons for banning all dancing within Little Havana have nothing to do with Mr. Fuller, but was instead about retaining West Brickell’s character.
“Little Havana is a Latin neighborhood and we want to keep it that way. Well, Latins are Catholics, everyone knows that. And Catholics don’t have pre-marital sex. Now dancing, you see, can lead to pre-marital sex. So that means dancing is anti-Catholic. Being anti-Catholic is a socialistic quality. Therefore, if you oppose me you are a socialist. And socialists are not wanted in Little Havana, because it is a Latin neighborhood, and we have ti keep it that way,” said Commissioner Carollo, before accusing me of being a socialist. “Satire is the socialist’s propaganda tool,” he scolded at me as he left the interview.
We reached out to Ball and Chain’s owner for some free drink tickets, but the request was denied. We also asked what started his feud with the Commissioner and he said it was something about Carollo being pissed that Fuller supported a different candidate for Commissioner or something. I don’t know, I lost interest because it was so stupid.
When asked whether he thought Carollo would succeed in banning dancing in Little Havana, Fuller was pessimistic. “Of course not, it’s like Dirty Dancing. They couldn’t ban dancing there and they wont be able to ban dancing in Little Havana. People will revolt,” Fuller said, proud of himself about the reference. “Actually, it’s like Dirty Dancing: Little Havana Nights!,” he added with a laugh, really happy with the pun.
As we parted I thanked Mr. Fuller for his time, before gently reminding him that it was the town in Footloose that banned dancing, not Dirty Dancing. He was embarrassed so I used the opportunity to ask again for some free drink tickets. He declined.

By Daniel Alvarez-Schwartzman, who didn’t use the phrase “Crazy Joe Carollo” once.

The Wynwood Walls attraction, a long-time focal point of Miami’s art district that features murals by some of the world’s, but not Miami’s, biggest artist will close next month and be replaced by a mixed-use condominium that features a Walgreens and Capital One Cafe as its anchor tenants.”Wynwood has finally gotten to the point where developers don’t need to maintain the independent, artistic elements of the community that originally attracted attention to the neighborhood,” said the property’s new owner Whocares Fakename who plans to develop six luxury condominiums around the neighborhood in the next year. “Sure, people like art, but they will love our terrace views of Panther Coffee, custom granite counter tops, and doorman who used to live two blocks away but now has to live in Miami Gardens and commutes.”
Urban planning specialists refer to this stage of municipal development as the “deculturalization” stage.
“Independent theaters and gathering places are great and all, but people really want to live in luxury condos in Wynwood. What am I supposed to do? Not build them and make lots of money?” said Mr. Fakename. “All these new residents are going to need a corner store, and that’s why I’m so excited about our partnership with Walgreens.”
The Wynwood Walgreens will feature a pharmacy and be open 24-hours. “We want to honor the neighborhood’s history, so the inside of our Walgreens will feature a custom graffiti of those same goddamn aholsniffsglu eyeballs he’s been putting on everything for a decade. People love those eyeballs. It’s so hip and anti-corporate,” said Walgreens corporate manager Melissa Howard.
Reed Paulson, the CEO of an as-yet-to-be-developed Blockchain business who has lived in Wynwood for 6 months said that while he is sad to see Wynwood institutions like O-Cinema close, he is excited for what it means for his community.
“Independent theaters are great and all. I mean, Garden State is so deep, but if we get 10 highrises along NW 2nd they’re legally required to build a Whole Foods. That would be huge for property values.”

A real estate boom is taking place in Doral, as developers rush to snatch up the properties that scientist predict will one day become valuable beach front property when the effects of man made climate change finally become irreversible.Many developers have started pre-construction on luxury condos and nightclubs that, with delays, will open just in time for sea levels to rise far enough to create gorgeous waterfront views.
The reaction to the proposed “Doral-By-The-Sea” has been mixed, with those able to purchase the soon-to-be waterfront land very happy at potential profits, while those who expect to lose their homes to flooding generally less optimistic.
“So we’re just going to accept this? We’re not going to do anything about it?”, said local rollerblade enthusiast and South Miami resident Gerald Hernandez after being informed his entire block will probably be underwater. “I’ll lose my home and my second favorite Flannigans! We gotta stop this! Is there, like, a petition I could sign? I could carpool, that’ll fix it. Right? Oh who am I kidding…”
by Daniel Jimenez

The Plantain recommends The Miami Herald’s drunken campaign recommendations. How could we not? Our local paper of record has recommended a group of oddballs so eccentric, embarrassing, and bizarre that it will provide fodder for The Plantain for years.So, for those of you who don’t have access to a Herald because you aren’t in the waiting room of a Tire Kingdom or a Pinecrest nursing home, the Plantain reprints The Best-Of Miami Herald’s actual recommendations for the upcoming August 28 election.
The Miami Herald ACTUALLY Recommends Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera, a woman who has repeatedly claimed that she was ABDUCTED BY ALIENS as the Republican Candidate for Congress.
Look, I know its easy to make fun of people who think they were abducted by aliens, but that’s just because it’s insane. Absolutely, cookoo-bananas insane.
The fact that The Miami Herald can take Bettina’s insane claim and then recommend to its elderly readers that they cast their ballot (which could be their last) for Bettina despite it, is an insult to the intelligence of its readers and the other Republican candidates running to represent District 27, all of whom are bizarre in some way, but none of whom claim to be actually be friends with aliens.
The Herald’s recommendation is especially troubling considering the very existence of things like “facts” and “science” are being constantly doubted by Republican leaders. How can Miamians trust Betinna Rodriguez Aguilera to consider empirical evidence on crucial votes regarding issues like climate change when she goes on about that time she was visited by an alien over and over. Plus, how can a conservative vote for someone who supposedly encountered an alien but did not alert ICE?
The Miami Herald ACTUALLY Recommends Jose “Pepe” Diaz, a man who was caught on camera driving drunk and using his office to get out of being arrested as County Commissioner.
Just watch this video.

Now look at this mugshot:

That’s who The Miami Herald recommends represent District 10 in the Miami Dade Commission. Jose “Pepe” Diaz’s seeming attempt in the video to use his position to get out of trouble (the DUI charges were eventually dropped) are disturbing and does not reflect the caliber of candidate that we in Miami deserve.
Now Pepe is running against Rafael Pineyro and Patricio Moreno, neither of whom I know anything about because the Herald’s half-assed recommendation did not tell me a thing about either except one was the former chief of staff to the Mayor of Doral and the other previously ran for Florida House. The Herald owes voters more attentiveness to these elections. Even in recommending Pepe the Herald does not mention any facts about his 16+ years as Commissioner OTHER than the fact that he was arrested.
Go home, Miami Herald. You’re drunk!
The Miami Herald ACTUALLY Recommends Deede Weithorn, a woman who made up the fact that she went to MIT as State Representative.
Deede Weithorn got caught lying about the fact that she went to MIT. The Herald thinks she should represent Downtown and Miami Beach in the Florida House.
Does integrity matter to the Herald’s editorial board? It couldn’t possibly if they could recommend voters cast a ballot for a woman who for years claimed to be educated by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, only to back off of on those claims after someone called her out and she couldn’t put forth one iota of proof.
Deede is running against Former Miami Beach Commissioner Michael Greico, who himself has been caught lying to the public over and over again, as well as Kubs Lalchandani, who has…been a stalwart progressive activist and business leader in the community. The Herald claims in its recommendation “Weithorn has the edge” on her opponents because she has apologized about lying about her credentials, but why not recommend the one candidate who isn’t embroiled in a scandal involving an outright lie to the press? I get that that’s a prerequisite for President, but State House too?
The Miami Herald ACTUALLY Recommends David Richardson, a…pretty good guy as Democratic Congressional Candidate who has a habit of wearing a very silly hat.
Okay, David Richardson is a pretty good guy…despite the fact that he can often be seen around town wearing this hat a little too often. Bald is beautiful, Dave. Let it shine.

I don’t support him, we’re mostly Matt Hags here, but the Herald’s recommendation is valid and well reasoned. We sort of feel bad for Donna Shalala and her campaign, who genuinely can’t figure out why voters aren’t more excited for a 77-year-old Clinton disciple, but I still owe $70,000 to UM, so to hell with her.

It was 26 years ago this week that Hurricane Andrew touched down in South Florida, leaving a wake of destruction in his path that impacted a generation of South Floridians. “Andrew was one of the most important moments in South Florida’s history,” said your friend’s mother unsolicited on Facebook.

But 26 years later, Andrew has retreated from the spotlight and is no longer the powerful storm of his youth. Now, the embattled gale finds himself in a tropical depression after years of missed opportunities and poor decisions.

In an exclusive interview with the Plantain, Hurricane Andrew detailed his journey from a once great windstorm, heralded by many as the “Storm of the Century”, to an unemployed and highly disorganized storm system living back in his childhood bedroom.

“After I hit it big in Miami in 1992, I decided to test my luck and move in a north-westerly direction toward Louisianna with the ultimate forecast of reaching New York,” said Andrew. “I never came close.”

“Andrew makes a mess out of everything in his path,” said his father, Dr. Lawrence Appelbaum. “I told him he would never make it to New York. But he went anyway and ended up calling me and his mother a few days later to pick him up from Tennessee. When we arrived he was covered in blow and in hysterics. He’s been living here ever since.”

Hurricane Andrew says he is uninterested in following his father’s career in orthopedics or pursuing any career for that matter. “It’s not like I can just go and get a normal job at CVS or something. I’m Hurricane Andrew, everyone knows that. It would be humiliating if somebody saw me bagging groceries or working in a hospital or something,” said the storm. “I just need to focus on myself a little more before I’m ready to make a comeback and move out.”

Although he maintains he is not prepared to join the workforce, Hurricane Andrew acknowledged the strain that his lifestyle has put on his relationship with his father. “We’ve grown pretty distant, sure, but I know he loves me. I guess I just wish I felt he loved me for something besides just being his son.”

When asked to respond, Dr. Appelbaum was dismissive of his son’s concerns, noting the large amounts of money he has spent on him over the last two decades and suggesting that his son earn his love and respect by working toward building a future for himself.”He was a category 5! A 5! Now what is he? He’s nothing.”

“Andrew has no ambition. None whatsoever,” continued his father. “Not like his sister Sandy, who made landfall in NY where she was accepted to Julliard to study dance. Now she’s married to a congressional staffer from Far Rockaway,” said Dr. Appelbaum with aplomb. “They wrote about their engagement in the New York Times!” he gushed.

“I know some will look at me and think I’ve wasted a good opportunity,” said Hurricane Andrew. “Maybe I have. But I’m going to get back on my feet. I know it.”

When asked where he saw himself in the future, the once great storm smirked to himself before answering: “Anywhere the wind blows.”

Robert Wendt, a vacationer in South Beach was rushed to Mt. Sinai today after mistakenly consuming an entire colada. He is expected to survive.The news represents an escalation in reports of tourists in and around Miami endangering themselves by mistakenly drinking the popular Cuban colada whole. The coffee, which is designed to be shared and is known for being at least 1000 times stronger than “café gringo,” is the leading contributor of hospitalization, insomnia, and diarrhea among white people.
>This dangerous misunderstanding has put scores of tourists in the hospital.
“There was just no helping him.” said Maria Dos Fuentes a server at “Abuela’s Cuban Kitchen” in South Beach. “I told him that he was supposed to share it with his friends, but he told me that he “knows” coffee because he lives in New York and spent a semester in Italy 14 years ago. I can see why he didn’t have any friends to share it with.”
Witnesses on the scene describe Mr. Wendt gulping the coffee before engaging in what they described as “erratic” behavior.
“He ran down to the calisthenics gym on the sand and started doing pull-ups. I had never seen anything like it, mostly because I had never seen anybody seriously use the equipment at that park. He must have done over 200 pull-ups. His legs were swinging. His mouth was foaming. It was pretty inspiring until his heart gave out.” reported Miguel Tavares a bystander on the scene.
Paramedics arrived and transported Mr. Wendt to Mt. Sinai where they administered him a cup of watered down Folgers to calm his nerves.
Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain

When Publix’s CEO Todd Fakenamedon’tsueus heard President Trump tell a rally of supporters in Tampa that Floridians were required to show ID for groceries, he was confused: “I didn’t think it was true…but I’m a wealthy person, so I get all of my food delivered from Whole Foods using Instacart, so I just wasn’t sure.” Of course, it turned out Trump’s statement was completely false, but it gave Mr. Jones a good idea: “Why not require an ID?””One of the challenges Publix faces is the reality that ~~less and less~~ fewer and fewer people view the Publix experience as “a pleasure“.
“It used to be that Publix was the epitome of luxury grocery shopping. That isn’t the case anymore,” said Publix director of marketing and user acquisition Heinrich Schweinhund. “Our stores are outdated, we don’t give away chocolate chip cookies, the world is catching on that chicken tenders on submarine sandwiches are gross unless you are really, really high, our bag boys tell customers too much about their personal lives, and we have spent lots of money over the years on political campaigns that are antithetical to a modern society.”
In an effort to attract high net worth customers, Publix plans to compete with fancy grocery stores like Whole Foods and Milams by redesigning its dated stores, raising its prices, and requiring customers to pre-register and show a store-issued ID before making any purchase. “People aren’t interested in a community grocery store any more. They want an exclusive shopping experience where people can make assumptions about your income and sophistication by the very fact that you shop there,” said Mr. Schweinhund, which means “Pig Dog” in German.
To register to shop at Publix, customers will have to pay an annual $500 fee which will grant them access to most stores. Customers desiring to shop at Publix’s “signature” stores, such as those in Brickell and Weston, must pay extra.
“The IDs are great because they really make the shopping experience more streamlined,” said Mr. Pig Dog. “The ID will display our customers’ dietary information and eating habits, and also allow our cashiers (now called “Nutritional Facilitators”) to ensure that the items purchased don’t contain any ingredients that cannot be consumed by the customer, which actually is a pretty good idea.”
“This is an absolute godsend,” said Mariana McCartney, whose son Julian has a peanut allergy. “Now, when we scan our items it alerts us when there is a peanut in one of the products we are buying. It is actually a very good idea.”
“I agree, this is a good idea,” said Miriam Mordechaishaninbergstein, a reform Jew who occasionally cooks Kosher meals in her un-Kosher kitchen for the Holidays. “Last Rosh Hashona I accidentally bought non-Kosher shrimp. Oy gavalt, I was so embarrased. Now, because the ID says that I am Kosher for one week in September, it will let me know not to buy shrimp.”
As part of the rebrand, Publix will change its signature motto from “Where Shopping is a Pleasure” to “Where Shopping is a Privilege.”
But not everyone is thrilled. Community activists worry that Publix’s attempt to cater (not a pun) to wealthier customers will leave poorer customers without as many grocery options. When asked where he believes Publix’s less affluent customers will shop, Mr. Shcweinhund, which again, means “Pig Dog”, said “The same place they’ve always been shopping: Win-Dixie.”

Shock tore through the Miami scientific community today as it was discovered that following a summer spent in the outdoors, Carlos Vasquez of Little Havana is now just one big, autonomous mosquito bite.“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Mike Bautista, a local dermatologist. “This man came into my office complaining of itchy skin. After he turned down several offers to undertake expensive and invasive cosmetic procedures, I generously agreed to provide him with medical dermatology – which is much less lucrative for me, but that’s the kind of honest guy I am. What I found SHOCKED me. Angry red raised lump after angry red raised lump. I traced the lumps all over his body but could find no evidence of normal, untainted human skin. Medically speaking, this man is now considered a mosquito bite.”
We caught up with Mr. Vasquez to ask him how his life had changed since the discovery, resisting the overwhelming urge to scratch him.
“I’m miserable,” came the answer from what we think was the mosquito bite formerly known as Carlos Vasquez, but may have just been a passerby.
For those wondering how they can avoid the same fate during Miami’s rainy season, Samantha Santiago, a local entomologist, had the following advice:
“Just don’t go outdoors,” she said. “If you see anything that looks like the outdoors, burn it.”
Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.

By Ángel SaxonA local Miami man has been telling anyone who will listen that he is moving to California “like, yesterday.”
Friends and family of Jimmy Jameson, 27, of Coconut Grove, report that he has been increasingly bad-mouthing Miami, and his threats to pack his bags and leave Florida for good have increased, up 600% from last year.
The Plantain reached out to Mr. Jameson to get a first-hand account of his brave and original declaration that he was planning to ditch Miami for the West Coast.
“I can’t stand it here anymore man, and I don’t know how anyone can. This place is a dump. I’m sick of the trash humans, the trash drivers, the trash trash, the fact that the sun is always out, the superficiality, the insane cost of living, the dirty beaches, the homeless people everywhere, the whole thing, which is why I’m moving to LA,” he ranted dangerously.
“I’m going to move somewhere I’ll never deal with any of those issues again,” said Mr. Jameson of Los Angeles, a City with literally all of those issues. “California is a place where I know I’ll magically become happy the second I get there!”
We asked Mr. Jameson if he had visited California before, to which he replied that he had not, but that “you can totally get the vibe of the place from like, the TV, and the way people talk about it – the way people on the TV talk about it. It’s just THE place man.”
We caught up with Mr. Jameson by phone a month later to see if he had completed this move.
“I’m leaving right the fuck now, like seriously right this second. I’m literally packing my bags as we speak, bitch,” he raved at our reporter.
However, on following up with Mr. Jameson’s manager at Subway, we were informed he was booked to work shifts for the next two weeks.
Next week we speak to an LA resident who is planning to move to Miami for all the same reasons.
Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.

Dominic Swank, a 37-year old tourist and father of 4 was arrested and promptly executed after asking a waitress for a single-use plastic straw Tuesday afternoon. The request occurred at a now-defunct Lincoln Road cafe Mr. Swank was eating at while visiting Miami Beach with his family from Ohio.The Plantain was unable to reach the Cafe for comment on account that it had gone out of business and was replaced by an American Eagle, but eye witnesses report that Mr. Swank flagged down a waitress after being presented with an iced tea and asked for a straw. Police confirm that Mr. Swank was initially handed a paper straw, but upon placing it into his drink and noticing it immediately disintegrated because paper straws don’t make sense or work, Mr. Swank asked the waitress for a “regular straw.” That, according to witnesses, is when all hell broke loose.
“The waitress began screaming at the top of her lungs for help,” said Matt Damon, a sugar lobbyist of no relation to that Matt Damon, who happened to be eating at a nearby restaurant. Within seconds Miami Beach police officers arrested Mr. Swank and escorted him to Soundscape Park where he was publicly executed.
“It’s harsh, but how else are people going to learn that plastic straws are literally the worst thing you can do to the environment,” said Matt Damon the sugar lobbyist, who is a proponent of Miami Beach’s straw ban.
“The sugar industry cares tremendously about the environment, and these straws are definitely what we should focus our time and attention on,” said Matt Damon. “That’s our straw argument.”
But not everyone is happy with Mr. Swank’s public execution. Mary Swank, Dominic’s widow was briefly grief stricken by the whole ordeal before agreeing to become engaged to the Venezuelan cousin of the waitress that caused her husband’s death. “My children need a father and Fenando needs his papers. It’s a win-win,” said Mary Swank-Ferreyra.