Tragedy struck today as at approximately 11:59 PM , the year 2017 passed away from an overdose of the drug fentanyl. Those close to the year say it had been struggling with a series of recent incidents.We spoke with 2017’s personal friend, Sylvester Stallone, who had this to say “Well when you gotta go, you gotta go. Had a lot of problems that one. Lotta problems. More drugs than problems though.”
People had been putting a lot of what happened on 2017’s shoulders, but it wasn’t their fault. People were saying how awful 2017 was because of the tax bill or the hurricanes, when they had nothing to do with each other! The constant pressure and criticism along with people saying they could never live up to their late, yet troubled, sibling 2016 is likely what sent 2017 down the path to addiction.
The family of 2017 we’re not available for comment, but released a short statement “As we all mourn the loss of 2017, let us not forgot all the good it brought into our lives. I mean….there was….uhhh. Well all those sexual predators being exposed is kind of a good thing, as long as they face justice. Besides that there was….I want to say something about rescuing dogs? I’m starting to understand why 2017 was doing drugs.”
As millions gather to mourn the sudden loss of 2017, many look optimistically to 2017’s young upstart child 2018 as a potential replacement. 2018 is a recent graduate of Hampshire College, majoring in women’s studies. It remains to be seen whether 2018 can handle the rigors of being a full calendar year, but some remain hopeful. Others are skeptical of 2018’s abilities, “Young nobody don’t have a goddamn clue what they doing!”, said retired year 1976 to Plantain reporters. “It’s all going to go to hell in a handbasket, the millennial years have just been getting worse and worse. Wouldn’t have gotten this bad back in my day.”
The funeral for 2017 will be held at Caballero Rivera, but not the one next to Versailles, the other one.
By Daniel Jimenez

A local Miami resident is speaking out against the glamorization of rowdy New Year’s Eve festivities, suing the city in an attempt to end the parties once and for all. Rick Tangle, a proud circle from Coconut Grove, had this to say about New Year’s Eve traditions:
“I know I’m putting forward a really controversial and brave opinion here, but going out, spending money, drinking and having fun on New Year’s is for total squares.” he told The Plantain. “Squares act like they have all these different sides to them, but then they join right in with the crowd and do the same four things and visit the same four neighborhoods to welcome in the new year. Brickell, Wynwood, South Beach and Midtown. You can literally draw a square between those points on the map, that’s how square they are!” he added.
Mr. Tangle maintains that circles know how to do New Year’s eve properly.
“Now, a circle like me isn’t all about following the crowd, about doing the same four activities that you can count on a cartoon hand. We’re about infinite choice, 360 degrees of options. Maybe I stay in and watch some documentaries about 9/11 on Netflix, maybe I read some Ayn Rand, maybe I read some Ayn Rand and sip on a porter, maybe I read some Rand and swirl a glass of scotch, or maybe I do all of the above but the window is open! Don’t you see – I’m having an organic, completely original, New Year’s Eve celebration, and I’m not following any kind of square shaped mold! Know what happens if you put a circle in a square shaped mold? It breaks. The circle breaks the mold!”
We asked Mr. Tangle if he’d ever attended any of the year end festivities:
“Me? With them? Are you insane? What kind of four sided shape do you have to be to want to go out, let loose and have fun with other people? Squares just don’t get what it means to be a circle, because they’re such f***ing qua*******als. What they don’t get is that everyone loves curves, whereas nobody loves flatness. Let me put it this way: if you rotate a square 90 degrees, what do you get? A square. You can’t try and make a square better. If you rotate a circle 90 degrees, what you have is a circle which is better. Only a square would fail to grasp this concept. You almost feel bad for them really.”
To round the meeting off, we wanted to know if Mr. Tangle would be sharing New Year’s with any of his fellow circles.
“I don’t think so. Circles in this town are hard enough to find.”
By Chris Derrett