By Ángel Saxon
Universal theme park in Orlando will be opening an exhilarating new ride based on the infamous US-1 highway in South Florida, it has been announced. Representatives of the much loved family friendly park have officially confirmed the news after months of excited rumours and rumblings amongst theme park aficionados.
“We’re thrilled to finally confirm this breathtaking new addition to our lineup of attractions,” Tom McPlainsuit, a representative for Universal, told The Plantain. “Our audiences have been clamouring for a new thrill ride at our property, and this one really delivers,” he added.
“As with all our licensed properties, we aim to bring both the fun and the authenticity for our audience, which is why US-1: The Ride is a spinning rollercoaster operating at breakneck speed. Much like the real US-1, guests to our park will be tricked into believing they are in control of the ride, but this will of course be a very complex illusion.”
>”We made sure that the ride experience has all the adrenaline of the real thing.”
“We’re very excited about this new property as it contains groundbreaking new elements for a rollercoaster thrill ride. Guests to our park will step into specially leased carts mocked up as overpriced German cars, and will be submerged in an exciting and also terrifying world played out by other carts operated by an advanced AI.”
“The ride will effectively be randomised each time, with an assortment of hazards playing out around the riders including random heavy braking, simulated drunk and/or texting drivers, mirrorless and signal-free merging, zero lane discipline, peacock interaction events and of course, a faint but very genuine and impossible to ignore sense of death – we made sure that the ride experience has all the adrenaline of the real thing.”
We stopped Mr McPlainsuit in the middle of his breathless pitch to confirm if he had just said that riders actually faced a real risk of death on the new ride.
“As I was saying, this ride is as authentic as it gets,” he added, winking. “We’ve literally thought of everything. We even scrimped on every cost to make sure the construction and build of the ride is as flimsy as possible. The actual feel of the ride itself is awful, I want to assure all fans of US-1 that.”
After the disastrous launch of Universal’s “The Fast and the Furious Ride” which closed two days after it opened, Universal Orlando will be hoping that their new US-1 ride will represent a win for them.
“They didn’t realise how boring the people of South Florida would find a Fast and the Furious ride,” an anonymous source at the park told The Plantain. “They’ve finally accepted that a ride based on the real driving experience in South Florida is far more electrifying than anything The Fast and the Furious franchise depicts.”
Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.

By Ángel SaxonStarbucks plans to forcibly remove black coffee from its menus in all 13000 locations across the US, it has been reported. The news caused an uproar on social media, where commenters took to their keyboards to decry what they saw as blatant colorism.
“You’ll notice lattes and frappuccinos seem to be exempt from this new policy!” a Twitter user anonymously told The Plantain. “And why does it have to be forcible? If they have an issue with black coffee, couldn’t they just sit down like adults and clear it up over a nice cup of… well, you get what I mean.”
>“Black coffee has just been sat quietly on the menu, not doing much”
The Plantain asked Starbucks’ CEO, Kevin Johnson (2017 winner of Time magazine’s “Whitest Name” and “Whitest Face” award) if there was any merit to these criticisms.
“Absolutely not!” he insisted, his eyes darting around the room, his fingers drumming an erratic beat on the table. “It’s all very reasonable and above board. Our customers are increasingly more interested in drinks like the white chocolate macchiato, the soy latte, the non-fat frappuccino… these are the ones that make us the real money,” he gestured, his hands shaking into a frenzy.
“Black coffee has just been sat quietly on the menu, not doing much. Sure, it hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong, but it isn’t bringing in a real profit, and we’re worried that its bold presence on the menu makes our decaf latte drinking clientele uncomfortable,” he jittered, attempting to adjust his glasses but instead scattering them onto the floor.
When pressed for further explanation, Mr. Johnson brushed our reporters aside:
“Look, I would love to answer more of your questions, but I simply must hurry down to Starbucks for a hit of that neat, sweet coffee.”
The Plantain tried to ask him about the accusations of colorism, but Mr. Johnson bolted through the door, shaking and muttering something about “mandatory caffeine sensitivity training”.
Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.

By Ángel SaxonIn a controversial move, the National Rifle Association has announced it will be handing out see-through guns to students at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in an effort to combat the recent initiative requiring them all to wear clear plastic backpacks.
“Forcing students to wear these backpacks is a complete violation of their constitutional right to bear arms,” Billy Buckshot, the ‘Senior Talkyman’ at the NRA told the Plantain. (“Provided those students are of course 18,” Billy’s lawyer forced us to add to the article). “It’s already hard enough for the average high schooler to hide an AR-15 behind their Trapper Keeper when going through their school’s totally normal security checks which all countries totally have. Add in this clear plastic bullshit and it gets seriously tough for the little patriot tykes to exercise their right to dual wield pistols in swimming class.”
>“It’s already hard enough for the average high schooler to hide an AR-15 behind their Trapper Keeper”
The solution? According to Billy Buckshot, see-through guns.
“At the NRA, we’ve always believed in fighting fire with fire, and more specifically, fighting anti-gun fire with gunfire. That’s why we’ve introduced these amazing see-through guns, developed with our partners over at Windex, to help these poor students conceal their carry more effectively.”
The Plantain spoke to a student from the school, who asked that we not identify her by her real name, only her Instagram handle.
“Yeah, it’s pretty crazy. I was walking into school the other day when this weird looking white dude handed me a see-through fucking gun,” said @thehottesttopic. “I was all like, what the fuck do I need this for? He said, ‘just in case you run into any suspicious looking people.’ I was like, dude, the only suspicious motherfucker around here is you! He was all like, ‘I’m one of the good ones’ and then gave me a wink that made my skin crawl into a pretzel.”
But did the clear gun at least make her feel more safe?
“Fuck no! I got rid of that shit immediately. I traded it for a non-see-through backpack. Those things are so hard to come by now, the black market for them is insane!”
Ángel Saxon is a staff writer for The Plantain.

By Dirk O’Dowel####Land Dispute Sours Sweetwater
In a shocking turn of events, the disagreement between the Miami-Dade Youth Fair and Florida International University (FIU) has reached levels of violence unheard of over small land disputes. It’s no secret that both harbor ill feelings, as FIU has sought for many years to expand into the land commonly used by the Youth Fair.
Tensions came to a head yesterday when FIU security guard Anthony Jacobs was gunned down as he was leaving the university campus after completion of a work shift. The gunman is unknown. However, nailed to Jacobs’ chest were several leaflets for the Youth Fair, an indicator of who may have been responsible. One of the Youth Fair’s representatives, Tony Gulachi, told The Plantain, “I don’t know nothing about that security guard–but seems to me we live in very dangerous times. You know, when certain organizations feel threatened, they act out. Can’t be helped. Maybe if the university wasn’t so keen on taking what’s ours, stuff like this wouldn’t happen. Who knows?”
> “You fuck with us we come back tenfold!”
The news has become a heated issue at FIU with many calling for retaliation. “Those cocksuckers think they can do this and get away with it?!” said Elizabeth Bejar, FIU Vice President of Academic Affairs. “This is motherfuckin’ FIU. You fuck with us we come back tenfold! I pray to god the cops don’t get to the killer before we can–because this is personal. Blood has been spilled, and this shit ain’t over ‘til we spill some of theirs!”
Clearly relations between the two Miami institutions are strained, yet local residents seem oddly oblivious to it. Prior to his strange disappearance, The Plantain spoke with local homeowner Ricardo Miro who stated, “Are you people crazy, are you trying to get us both killed?! I didn’t hear anything! I didn’t see anything! Do not use my name! Okay?! Do not use my name!!”
It seems the two sides cannot find a compromise, as FIU is insistent on claiming the land the Youth Fair has used since 1971. “We get what we want. It’s just a matter of time,” said FIU President Mark Rosenberg. “What happened to Security Guard Jacobs was….unfortunate. It will be dealt with, I can assure you. His family, in the meantime, will be taken care of—FIU protects its own. I’m sure the Youth Fair thinks this was a wise choice, but they will learn what a mistake it was…a very grave mistake. You see, the Fair is the past–they’re over. We are the future–and you can’t fight progress.”
Authorities have cautioned residents of Sweetwater and Westchester to stay clear of the university and the fairgrounds after dark until further notice, and to try to ignore the sound of gunshots.

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But we’re concerned about the troubling trend of irresponsible, one-sided news stories plaguing our country. The sharing of biased and false news has become all too common on social media.
More alarming, some media outlets publish these same fake stories… stories that just aren’t true, without checking facts first.
Unfortunately, some members of the media use their platforms to push their own personal bias and agenda to control ‘exactly what people think’
>…This is extremely dangerous to a democracy.
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