Joe Biden gave what many are describing as a remorseful slap on the ass to Jennifer Steinmanson, a staff member who has publicly accused the former Vice President of inappropriately touching her. The “love tap”, as Mr. Biden called it, occurred at a private meeting arranged for Mr. Biden to apologize for previously licking Ms. Steinmanson’s forehead and, in a separate incident, noting that she was “top heavy.”When asked how he felt about the exchange, Mr. Biden remarked that he was “glad that the controversy was finally over with,” and noted without prompt that he “could tell Jennifer has been working out her glutes,” before going into a tangent about how he was “friends with Jane Fonda” and had recently binged the fifth season of “Frankie and Grace.”
In an exclusive interview with the Plantain, Ms. Steinmanson said that she had personally forgiven Mr. Biden. “I think he means well, it’s just he needs to learn to respect personal boundaries,” said the 26-year-old Harvard Law graduate just before Mr. Biden walked by and said “lookin’ good, legs” with a wink.
“He refers to every woman in a skirt “Legs”,” said Ms. Steinmanson. “But I really do think he means well.”

President Trump confirmed Sunday evening that he has both forced, and accepted, [the resignation](https://www.cnn.com/2019/04/07/politics/kirstjen-nielsen-homeland-security/index.html) of his secretary of Homeland Security, Kirstjen Nielsen. “What’s with the “j” in her name? I don’t understand it, not in my White House,” said President Trump.The President was reportedly “super peeved” that Ms. Nielsen, whom he always just called “Kristen”, had not taken a tough enough stance against migrants entering the U.S. southern border. In response, the President has appointed former Louisiana State Representative and Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan, David Duke, as interim head of DHS.
“I’ve spoken to David, who is a great man with lots of leadership experience, and he agrees that non-whites entering our southern border is the second biggest threat to our country,” said the President to the Plantain. When asked what Mr. Duke felt was the biggest threat to the Country, the President sheepishly said that he was told by Ivanka that he wasn’t allowed to say that word anymore.
Mr. Duke’s appointment was not without its issues. Confusion occurred after the actor Topher Grace, who played Mr. Duke in last year’s Blackkklansman film, was inadvertently brought into the White House after the President mistakenly showed Grima Wormtongue Stephen Miller an image of the actor and said: “Get me THAT guy!”
The President was nonplussed by the mistake, noting that he is a huge fan of “That 70’s Show” and thinks of himself as “a total Kelso.”

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced this morning that he can’t find his keys anywhere. “They were just here a minute ago,” said the 77-year old. “Where’d they go?Mr. Sanders made the announcement shortly after putting on his slacks and coat. He remembered seeing the keys next to the bowl of bran his wife set out for him, but now they’re gone.
The Senator consulted his wife Jane who was quick to point out that the keys were in his hands. “Oh my, of course they are,” said an embarrassed Senator before leaving home to participate in a press conference to announce another bid to be President.
“I am a once in an octogeneration candidate,” said the Senator as he left his home before stopping to ponder where on earth he parked his car.

“This really is a state of emergency, folks,” said President Donald Trump Friday morning. “And it’s never been this out of control. It has been pretty bad for a while, for sure. But we haven’t seen a threat to our Country this serious since, I don’t know, maybe the Bay of Pigs.”The remarks came during a press conference in which the President demanded 8 billion dollars for fencing along the Mexican border. “This is an emergency, folks. And if I don’t get that money it’s only going to get worse. Much worse.”
America reacted to the President’s national emergency declaration with stunned acceptance. “This really is an emergency,” said some person I made up. “Maybe we should give him the money? I mean, maybe this will calm things down for a while?” said that person. “I’m scared of what will happen if we do nothing.”
“This really is a state of emergency, folks,” responded House Speaker Pelosi Friday late-morning. “And it’s never been this out of control. It has been pretty bad for a while, for sure. But we haven’t seen a threat to our Country this serious since, I don’t know, maybe the Bay of Pigs.”
The remarks came during a press conference in which the Speaker demanded Trump not get 8 billion dollars for fencing along the Mexican border. “This is an emergency, folks. And if he doesn’t get that money it’s only going to get worse. Much worse.”
America reacted to the Speaker’s national emergency declaration with stunned acceptance. “This really is an emergency,” said some person I made up. “Maybe we should give him the money? I mean, maybe this will calm things down for a while?” said that person. “I’m scared of what will happen if we do nothing,” said that person.
Milo

According to a former adviser, Hillary Clinton is preparing for another unsuccessful presidential campaign in 2020.”Hillary is a born campaigner and loves speaking to supporters,” wrote Mark Penn in an Op-Ed about Mrs. Clinton’s chances. “The former Secretary of State said she is looking forward to spending another few years among crowds of people nervously supporting her because she is the only Democrat who could actually win this time, for real, but this time, for real.”
“It’s time for that ultimate glass ceiling to break, once and for all!” said Mrs. Clinton over and over testing out various inflections for effect as she stared in a mirror.
“Don’t you think you should give Elizabeth Warren a chance?” she asked herself in a high pitched voice pretending to be a reporter before answering: “Elizabeth Warren is my friend, but you have to ask yourself which one of us will be ready on day one? I think everyone knows that I am ready, and there is no better proof than the fact that I have been trying to be president for the last 15 years. That has to count for something, right?”
Clinton’s 2020 presidential desires has reportedly angered many on the political left, with most reacting to the news by just sighing to themselves and muttering “is she for real?”
“Is she for real?” sighed 24-year-old Miamian Jennifer Sanchez who said she would probably vote for Clinton if she survived a primary but like only if the 826 was super empty that day. “I just hope she doesn’t run because I don’t think she has a chance.”
When asked to respond to criticisms that she had no shot at being President, she laughed and said “You know, they said that about Donald Trump too. You just can’t count out a bad candidate these days.”

A mysterious mustacioed man going only by the name “Not Bill Nelson” claims to have uncovered a box containing 15,000 missing Florida ballots.The discovery throws another wrench into an already wrenchy election. In a very tight race, Florida Governor Rick Scott narrowly beat Democratic Astronaut and Senator Bill Nelson for a Senate seat by such a small margin that the [state requires a hand recount](https://www.npr.org/2018/11/09/665729645/florida-could-be-headed-for-recounts-heres-how-they-would-work). “We just want to make sure every vote is counted,” said Senator Bill Nelson, who was suspiciously sporting a mustache.”
The Plantain asked Mr. Nelson about his new facial hair, to which the 76 year old Senator said he was trying out a new look to be groovy like the kids in Easy Rider. He then excused himself for a moment and returned back without his whiskers.
“There, much better. Much more *Senatorial*, right? Now can we please get this recount underway? I hear some good Samaritan found a bunch of new ballots.”
The Plantain spoke to Governor Rick Scott about his thoughts on the recount, to which he responded in parseltongue: “[This is an effort by unethical liberals to steal the election](https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/elections/fla-gov-rick-scott-sues-broward-palm-beach-counties-accuses-n934286)” to which the entire State was like “Chill dude, just let them recount, you’re probably gonna still win anyway.”

“I’m glad I get to finally do my part,” said 24-year-old Javier Donner as he arrived to Government Center Wednesday afternoon to cast his ballot for failed Democratic gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum. “What do you mean the vote was yesterday? Fuuucccckk bro — can I still have a sticker?” said Mr. Donner to Supervisor of Elections Christina White, who gave the Miami-Dade College student a sticker that he immediately placed on his shirt and took a selfie of him gazing off camera with a caption that said “Doing My Part.”Ms. White estimates that more than 100,000 voters have attempted to place votes for Democratic candidates in the hours since the polls closed. “Many have arrived to polling places claiming they overslept or that their grandma died, some even with notes from their parents asking us to ‘be cool’ and make an exception. Others have tweeted a #BringitHome or #Gillum2018 to the Dade County Elections Twitter account in the mistaken belief that we would count their vote. It got me thinking, we should do what we can to accommodate these lazy children.”
Accordingly, Miami-Dade has decided to join other liberal leaning counties across Florida to implement an extra week of “late voting” in the hopes that “people will take all of this really REALLY seriously this time, for Christ sake.”
The Plantain interviewed several young people, including 21-year-old aspiring realtor Maurice Delmonico, about whether they were more likely to vote now that they have a few more days and know the outcome of the election.
“Yeah, for sure I’ll vote now. Gotta do my part,” said Mr. Delmonico, who didn’t end up voting during late voting anyway.


Ron Desantis is your governor.
Rick Scott is your Senator.
Donald Trump is your President

The USPS sorting office in Opa-Locka, famously referred to as a ‘black hole’ for mail, has offered a public apology for the tardy delivery of mail bombs that were sent to several Democratic politicians and supporters.“I would like to apologise for the delays that occurred when these items came through our facility,” said Paul Hernández, the postmaster at the Opa-Locka office. “Regardless of their contents, we failed the customer here – our service simply did not meet professional standards. According to our records, the packages were mailed over a month ago, but for some inexplicable reason seemed to get held up in our facility,” he added, wringing his hands.
“Rest assured that at Opa-Locka, we treat all packages the same, whether priority mail or economy, whether birthday card, Amazon delivery, or mail bomb. Once again I would like to reassure the public that reports our workers use satanic rituals to determine which packages make it through our facility are completely false.”
Early on Friday it was reported that an additional mail bomb had been discovered in a back room at the Opa-Locka office. We contacted Mr. Hernández’s office to see if he could confirm reports of a pentagram drawn in blood on the back of the package, but have yet to receive comment.
by Ángel Saxon

Ben and Jerry’s is under fire for a commemorative flavor to honor Cuban revolutionary Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara’s birthday.The flavor – obviously made-up but if it were real we at The Plantain would never even try it on principle alone – features the famous artwork of Guevara by Irish artist Jim Fitzpatrick and real guava chunks in every bite, was released today.
Guevara assisted Fidel Castro in overturning the Cuban government in the late 1950s and then did fuck all until he was executed like a stuck pig in Bolivia in 1967.
Although supporters see Guevara as an example of nationalism, revolution, and self-sacrifice, his critics have labeled him as a brutal and cruel killer.
Gaspar Miranda, a protester stationed today with 27 other protesters at the Coral Gables location of Ben and Jerry’s, said, “Che helped free Cubans from the repressive Batista regime, only to enslave them in a totalitarian police state worse than the last. He was Fidel Castro’s chief executioner, a mass-murderer!”
An employee from Ben and Jerry’s, choosing to remain anonymous and identified only as a “flavor guru” responded,
> “The pun was just too delicious – even more intoxicating than the dulce de leche swirl. I agree we may have gone too far, but the pun. Does no one care for the puns?
Moments later, the diminutive “flavor guru” scuttled into a hot air balloon made of gumballs and wishes and flew out of sight.
The scene took a dramatic turn as the predominantly Cuban crowd began chanting, “We don’t need Ben and Jerry’s!” and for emphasis proceeded to eat three-day old flan from Sergio’s Restaurant.
In between bites of rubbery flan, protester Maria Caballero said, “We are willing to sacrifice delicious Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and no longer support their philanthropic activity. It’s shameful that Ben and Jerry’s would put the image of someone who went to Cuba to murder people and was a failure in everything he did on a pint of ice cream. I don’t know what there is to honor about Che Guevara.”

Moments after a deeply divided Senate voted on Saturday to confirm Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, the United States Constitution self-destructed in a series of flames that left onlookers and the Nation stunned.Visitors in the National Archives Rotunda were in awe as they watched the Country’s foundational document destroy itself, many wondering if it was an act of terrorism, the set-up for the next film in the National Treasure series, or the end of the Republic as we know it. It turns out it was the latter.
After initial reports that the self-destruction was a prank by British street artist Banksy, the Plantain confirmed that the Constitution “just had enough of all this.”
“We should have known this was going to happen,” said Constitutional Scholar Malinda Carpenter. “The Constitution is, after all, a self-executing document.”
The iconic document is – was – well over 200 years old and served as the supreme law of the land before we fucked it all up over the last couple of years. “I’m out,” said the Constitution before she destroyed itself.
The Plantain asked newly sworn in Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh about how he will rule without the presiding document for his role, he responded – “It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t going to use it anyway. Now…get me a beer.”
By Anna Peacock.