The Plantain’s Disgruntled Voter Guide, or: How I Learned To Bite My Tongue And Vote For Donna Shalala
Many have wondered how Senator Marco Rubio, a cowardly Miami native legally classified as a mollusk, remains so popular in Miami despite doing absolutely nothing for anyone in Miami. After a careful review of the Senator’s record and talking to the men who used to hang out in the Tropical Park bathrooms that knew him as a youth, we discovered that the qualities that keep Rubio relevant are the same ones that skyrocketed Scooby “Dooby” Doo to popularity all those years ago.
Here are 5 ways Marco Rubio is just like Scooby-Doo.
They’re both cowards
Scooby-Doo’s cowardice is one of his defining traits. He runs from every problem he faces, whether it be a ghost, a monster, a bath, or personal responsibility. While Scooby’s cowardice can get in the way, and indeed, sometimes instigates antics among his gang of meddling kids, he always redeems himself once Velma gives him a Scooby-Snack which gives him the courage needed to save the day.
Marco is also a coward unwilling to protect his constituents by standing up against his party’s dog whistle immigration policies and is too petrified to criticize literally anything Trump has ever done. Like Scooby, Marco Rubio knows he is a coward, which upsets him, and he occasionally tries to eat a Marco Snack for courage. Unfortunately, “Marco Snacks” are just croquetas from Vicky’s, which are so oily they tend to just make him tired and not brave.
They both believe in consolidating wealth at the top.
Senator Rubio loves low taxes and is a staunch believer in trickle-down economics. The economic policies he supports let the rich exploit the efforts of the working class by funneling profits up through essentially tax-exempt corporate entities. This is exactly like how Scooby-Doo uses a very-long straw to secretly suck up his friends’ milkshakes before they notice, even though they did all the work of getting the milkshake because dogs can’t buy milkshakes.
Scooby at least is honest and direct with his theft and says “ROUGH ROUGH SARRY, FRED” after he laps up Fred’s sandwich with his tongue. Marco, on the other hand, is not an honest thief and would steal Daphne’s pig to give to the butcher without any shame or even inviting her over for lechon.
They are both totally divorced from their ethnicity.
It’s a well-documented fact that “Scoob” is a DINO (Dog In Name Only) who spends all his time with humans who keep him around only for the sake of saying they have a dog. He’s clearly treated as lesser than his peers, with only shaggy making any attempt to understand dog culture.
Marco-Doo is the only prominent Hispanic Republican in the Senate, with the notable exception of Ted Cruz, who is such a hated twerp he would definitely be Scrappy-Doo by analogy. Rubio, like Scooby, totally eschews his Hispanic heritage and culture only displaying it when he wants to bark at the cat of communism.
They both have brown hair.
In Scooby’s case, it’s more like fur and he has a lot more of it since Rubio isn’t a dog and is going sort of bald too. But either way, brown.
They’re both two-dimensional characters obsessed with taking down 1960’s-era villains that don’t pose a threat to anyone anymore.
For all his faults, Marco Rubio, like Scooby-Doo, just wants the people who own him to think he is a “good boy, yes he is, a very good boy.” And like his cartoon counterpart, Marco Rubio thinks the way to achieve affection is to fight 1960’s-era villains. For Scooby-Doo, this makes sense since he is a cartoon character from the 1960’s. But Marco Rubio isn’t a cartoon dog from the 1960’s, he is a U.S. Senator.
And Fidel Castro is dead.
Bit even for all of his posturing about Castro and the problems with communism, Marco wants so desperately to have his tummy rubbed by the white man in the ascot that he is willing to ignore Trump’s dealings with Castro and the Cuban government over the years. What’s worse, with all of his obsession with what has happened in Cuba or Venezuela long ago, he ignores the many issues happening back home in Westchester, where he may or may not used to have gotten handjobs from strange men in the Tropical Park bathroom in the 90’s. Zoinks.
Breaking news out of Cuba: Fidel Castro is still dead.
Despite conflicting reports, the A.P. confirms that maximum leader Fidel Castro is still dead, although he is feeling better and better each day. The news, which is still developing, has been confirmed by several independent sources who report that they have spoken to Fidel Castro since his death and can confirm that he is, in fact, still dead.
The Plantain has not been able to reach Castro for a statement on his death on account of his death. More as this story develops.
According to a new study by The University of Miami’s Mambi Center for Marijuana Studies, a majority of the State’s marijuana users mistakenly believe the drug has been legalized.
The Plantain spoke to the Center’s lead marijuana researcher Dr. David Vera about the results of the study. “Among Miami’s marijuana users, something like 70% believe the drug is legal,” said Dr. Vera, himself a habitual marijuana user. “Many people in the government I guess believe recreational marijuana is dangerous even though no one has ever died from weed,” pontificated Dan, adding that 40,000 people have so far died from Coronavirus and the Governor opened up the fucking beaches this week.
When asked what accounted for local pot users’ mistaken belief, Dr. Vera explained it was due to widespread misconceptions about the result of the State’s medical marijuana referendum, uncertainty about local efforts to reduce arrests for marijuana possession, as well as a third reason that Dr. Vera couldn’t remember, but described as significant before getting distracted and asking whether this reporter watched Bojack Horseman. When I told him I had not, Dr. Vera described several of his favorite jokes and set pieces from the animated show about a washed-up alcoholic actor, who also is a horse.
“It’s hilarious,” giggled Dr. Vera to himself as he took a bite of an oversize marshmallow. “But also so sad, you know. I watched an episode last night and they made an “if you give a mouse a cookie” reference! My mind was blown,” explained the researcher before interrupting his own story because he finally remembered that the third factor contributing to local marijuana user’s unfamiliarity with drug laws is “the lack of discourse about issues that impact young people within our community.”
The Plantain decided to test Dr. Vera’s theory and catch up with a group of marijuana enthusiasts we found at Indian Hammock Park.
“I’m pretty sure we voted for it a few years ago,” said 26-year-old Hialeah native Yasmin Alvarez, referring to a 2016 medical marijuana referendum that definitely did not make weed legal for everyone. “So it’s legal, right?” asked the high school civics teacher as she was handed a half-consumed joint from her friend, 31-year-old GameStop employee Derek Medina.
“No, yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s legal, right? I mean, I buy weed all the time from the gas station,” said Mr. Medina before saying “but now that I think about it, it’s just this one gas station, and only when my friend Tony is working.”
When asked whether they would stop using marijuana now that they knew it was still illegal, Ms. Alvarez and Mr. Medina said they would not.
“Weed it like natural and homopathic,” said Ms. Alvarez as she took a hit of the joint packed with a strain of marijuana known as “Elian Gonzalez” which was engineered to produce a “body and mind high so extreme it makes you want to hide in the closet.” “There’s no reason to stop,” Ms. Alvarez said once again before laying her back on the grass to take what appeared to be an impromptu emergency mid-day nap.
Among the other conclusions reported in Dr. Vera’s study is the identification of other commonly held misconceptions about marijuana among Miami-Dade residents, including:
• You can smoke in your car if traffic is annoying;
• You can possess up to 28 grams (1 oz) of marijuana if you have anxiety about getting more marijuana;
• You can smoke in your car during work breaks if you make less than $9 per hour or more than $115,000 per year;
• You should try to avoid blowing smoke in a cop’s face, but whatever.
Outside a Sedano’s Supermarket in Hialeah, the Plantain caught up with stock boy Gonzalo Diaz-Balart as he smoked a blunt and enjoyed an expired Smuckers Uncrustables behind a dumpster on his lunch break. “I need to stay medicated all day, you know. For work. I’m glad we live in such an enlightened and modern city.”
When informed that what he was doing was still illegal in the state of Florida, Mr. Diaz-Balart expressed disbelief. When told that the question of whether medical marijuana should be made legal in Florida would, once again, be put to voters this November, the stock boy said he thought that was “dope”, but admitted he probably wouldn’t vote.
“I just don’t see the point of voting. None of that shit affects me,” said Mr. Diaz-Balart as he took another hit and added, “Bro, this Pie Face OG has me lifted as fuck.”
A new report finds that roughly 11 1/3 out of every 21 Cubans identify as White. The result comes from a Pew Research report released Friday that compared White identifying voters with their Country of origin. It found that 54% of Cubans living in Miami-Dade think they are White. Researchers believe this explains why Cuban voters were about twice as likely as non-Cuban Latinos to vote for Donald Trump.
The Plantain hit the streets to ask local Cuban-Americans who are definitely either Hispanic or Latino but for sure non-White whether or not they think they are White. The results were mildly shocking.
We spoke with 72-year-old Fulgencio Suarez, a Cuban refugee that escaped in the early sixties who says he cast his ballot for Donald Trump. “I see in Donald Trump a white man just like myself,” said Mr. Suarez as he wildly gesticulated with an unlit Cigar in his hand, pausing only to harass a woman walking by who was 50-years his junior. “Oy! Si cocinas como caminas, me como hasta la raspita.”
When confronted with the fact that he is, in fact, a Latino immigrant, Mr. Suarez agreed: “Yes, I am a Latino immigrant, of course, I am from Cuba.”
“But you identify as White?”
“Yes. Of Course! We assimilated into this country as melting pot,” he said, causing this reporter—himself an assimilated Cuban-American to wonder whether assimilation means becoming white and, if it does, whether cultural assimilation is a mere euphemism for the annihilation of cultural traditions by a domineering and repressive majority.
We wondered, so we asked Ricardo Trujillo a White identifying Cuban immigrant who came to the United States on the Mariel Boatlift when he was 19 and now owns several Hialeah luggage stores whether he was proud of his Cuban heritage.
“I am very proud to be a Cuban-American,” said Mr. Trujillo. “I am the American dream. When I came to this country I had nothing, now I have my own business. Just like El Donald. If you work hard in this country you can accomplish anything.”
When asked whether identifying as white helped him achieve success, Mr. Truijillo was adamant that his being white had absolutely nothing to do with his success — an admittedly very white thing to say. We reminded him that his whiteness could not have been an actual contributing factor to his success because he is empirically “not White”, but he seemed confused by the logic and then offered to sell us a rollerbag for $7.99, which we agreed to purchase because that is an undeniably good deal.
Still puzzled, we reached out Arturo Jimenez, a Cuban-American professor and poet at the University of Miami who also identifies as White.
“All of these labels: White, Black, Oriental. We are all of one race: The human race. We should not continue to divide ourselves by race.”
“Then why do you identify as White?” we asked. “Would you say that your experience is one of a White man?”
Professor Jimenez sat in silence for a moment and chuckled: “Well yes, while I am in Miami I experience all of the privileges and none of the bigotry that comes from my heritage. So, in Miami, I guess I am White.”
When asked what ethnicity he would identify as outside of Miami, he said “obviously Hispanic, non-white Latino”, adding that outside of Miami all Hispanics and Latinos are assumed to be Mexicans, which he said “is great if you’re from Puerto Rico but a racist insult if you’re a Cuban.”
“But if that’s the case,” we asked, “why would so many Cubans support Donald Trump when his policies are decidedly anti-Mexican?” to which the Professor said “because Cubans aren’t Mexicans and we don’t support Communist Democrats like Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders,” adding that “the choice is easy.”
By Peter Mir of Villain Theater
University of Miami Professor of Taxonomy Devin Rohan announced yesterday that his team had reclassified Senator Marco Rubio from a human to an invertebrate. The decision comes following what Professor Rohan says is further irrefutable proof that the Senator completely lacks a spine or the higher-level decision-making functions associated with the human race.
Speaking before his Taxonomy 101 class, Professor Rohan explained his finding: “As we have seen this week from Senator Rubio’s statement that he has not even paid attention to Trump’s impeachment, the man lacks a backbone and human empathy,” he told his class before eliciting questions from the students.
“Professor, how will this reclassification impact the marginal tax rate?” asked freshman Ian Lorber who had intended to take the similarly-named Taxation 101 course and was still a bit confused.
“So what you’re saying is Senator Rubio is a snake?” asked another student, drawing a wave of laughter from everyone in the classroom except Ian, who was trying to figure out whether a fox could claim a domestic dog as a dependent since they are in the same taxonomic family.
“No, no, no,” said Professor Rohan. “Snakes, contrary to what many people think, are vertebrates and have backbones. Marco Rubio would better be classified in the Mollusca phylum alongside snails and slugs since he both lacks a backbone and also has a tendency to get slime everywhere.”
As the nation mourns the victims of the El Paso shooting, the National Rifle Association has agreed to pray really, really hard for the victims and their families. The concession from the pro-gun lobby was made in reaction to renewed calls to enact regulations that could have prevented Patrick Crusius from obtaining the gun he used to slaughter 20 victims Saturday morning.
Sensing a changing political tide, the NRA has vowed to respond more seriously to mass shootings than it has done in the past, promising in a press release to “really pray our asses off this time” and to even “light a candle or two for those victims and their families.”
“It’s the least we could do,” said NRA spokesperson Bradford Penniston. “Literally.”
The NRA has also agreed to allocate $2,500 from its budget to send bouquets of flowers to the families of the slain victims, as well as $4,000,000 to spend on lobbyists and political donations to make sure every proposed common-sense gun regulation is blocked.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article has been posted after each major mass shooting that occurred since 2016, including Orlando, Charleston, and MSD. All that has changed is the city, the number of victims, and name of the shooter. In each case, we have received messages that this article is “too soon” and in poor taste. We disagree. We think it’s in poor taste that people can’t leave their house without worrying about getting murdered. If you are offended by this article, I encourage you to, respectfully, suck a dick, dumbshits.
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Joe Biden gave what many are describing as a remorseful slap on the ass to Jennifer Steinmanson, a staff member who has publicly accused the former Vice President of inappropriately touching her. The “love tap”, as Mr. Biden called it, occurred at a private meeting arranged for Mr. Biden to apologize for previously licking Ms. Steinmanson’s forehead and, in a separate incident, noting that she was “top heavy.”When asked how he felt about the exchange, Mr. Biden remarked that he was “glad that the controversy was finally over with,” and noted without prompt that he “could tell Jennifer has been working out her glutes,” before going into a tangent about how he was “friends with Jane Fonda” and had recently binged the fifth season of “Frankie and Grace.”
In an exclusive interview with the Plantain, Ms. Steinmanson said that she had personally forgiven Mr. Biden. “I think he means well, it’s just he needs to learn to respect personal boundaries,” said the 26-year-old Harvard Law graduate just before Mr. Biden walked by and said “lookin’ good, legs” with a wink.
“He refers to every woman in a skirt “Legs”,” said Ms. Steinmanson. “But I really do think he means well.”
President Trump confirmed Sunday evening that he has both forced, and accepted, the resignation of his secretary of Homeland Security, Kirstjen Nielsen. “What’s with the “j” in her name? I don’t understand it, not in my White House,” said President Trump.The President was reportedly “super peeved” that Ms. Nielsen, whom he always just called “Kristen”, had not taken a tough enough stance against migrants entering the U.S. southern border. In response, the President has appointed former Louisiana State Representative and Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan, David Duke, as interim head of DHS.
“I’ve spoken to David, who is a great man with lots of leadership experience, and he agrees that non-whites entering our southern border is the second biggest threat to our country,” said the President to the Plantain. When asked what Mr. Duke felt was the biggest threat to the Country, the President sheepishly said that he was told by Ivanka that he wasn’t allowed to say that word anymore.
Mr. Duke’s appointment was not without its issues. Confusion occurred after the actor Topher Grace, who played Mr. Duke in last year’s Blackkklansman film, was inadvertently brought into the White House after the President mistakenly showed Grima Wormtongue Stephen Miller an image of the actor and said: “Get me THAT guy!”
The President was nonplussed by the mistake, noting that he is a huge fan of “That 70’s Show” and thinks of himself as “a total Kelso.”
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced this morning that he can’t find his keys anywhere. “They were just here a minute ago,” said the 77-year old. “Where’d they go?Mr. Sanders made the announcement shortly after putting on his slacks and coat. He remembered seeing the keys next to the bowl of bran his wife set out for him, but now they’re gone.
The Senator consulted his wife Jane who was quick to point out that the keys were in his hands. “Oh my, of course they are,” said an embarrassed Senator before leaving home to participate in a press conference to announce another bid to be President.
“I am a once in an octogeneration candidate,” said the Senator as he left his home before stopping to ponder where on earth he parked his car.