In an op-ed published in the Wall Street Journal, Brett Kavanaugh attempted to walk back aspects of his emotional Senate testimony and promised that, if confirmed to the Supreme Court, he would be impartial toward all who come before the Supreme Court, “even those manipulative libtards that tried to ruin my life.”In the article, which was frankly a little TL:DR for our purposes, Judge Kavanaugh said that he was taken aback by the accusations that he sexually assaulted a bunch of girls when he was “a fucking teenager for Christ sake”, which caused him to become emotional and erratic. The jurist said despite his demeanor before Congress, he was committed to “not exacting several decades of revenge against the Democratic party cucks that tried to ruin his life by gleefully ruling against every ideology their party holds dear.”
At the time of this writing, it is widely believed that Judge Kavanaugh will be confirmed by the Senate and appointed to the Supreme Court for the rest of his life. When asked how he plans to celebrate reaching the pinnacle of the legal profession, Kavanaugh said he would probably just go out with friends for a few drinks to try to unwind after a stressful confirmation process. “I’m going to get pretty fucked up,” the 53-year-old jurist added.

University of Miami Professor of Taxonomy Devin Rohan announced yesterday that his team had reclassified Senator Marco Rubio from a human to an invertebrate. The decision comes following what Professor Rohan says is further irrefutable proof that the Senator completely lacks a spine or the higher level decision making functions associated with the human race.Speaking before his Taxonomy 101 class, Professor Rohan explained his finding: “As we have seen this week from Senator Rubio’s statement that he will vote in favor of putting an alleged sex offender on the Supreme Court the man lacks a backbone and human empathy,” he told his class before eliciting questions from the students.
“Professor, how will this reclassification impact the marginal tax rate?” asked freshman Ian Lorber who had intended to take the similarly-named Taxation 101 course and was still a bit confused.
“So what you’re saying is Senator Rubio is a snake?” asked another student, drawing a wave of laughter from everyone in the classroom except Ian, who was trying to figure out whether a fox could claim a domestic dog as a dependent since they are in the same taxonomic family.
“No, no, no,” said Professor Rohan. “Snakes, contrary to what many people think, are vertebrates and have backbones. Marco Rubio would better be classified in the Mollusca phylum alongside snails and slugs since he both lacks a backbone and also has a tendency to get slime everywhere.”

The City of Miami voted unanimously to kick the Ultra Music Festival out of Bayfront Park. The electronic music festival has attracted techno music lovers, dendrophiliacs, and drug enthusiasts from all over the world to Bayfront Park since 2001, but in recent years has become a source of blinding rage for downtown property owners who believe the three-day music festival attracts far too many young people having a great time to the City and could potentially be “bad for their investment.”The Commission was adamant that electronic music was not “real music like when I was a kid” and passed a unanimous resolution to “tell those kids to turn that noise down, dagnabbit!”
At the hearing, Commissioner Joe “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” Carollo told his constituents that he would work to save Bayfront Park so the community could continue to enjoy its ‘concrete and broken water fountain’ design, however the Commissioners eventually decided the City-owned waterfront land was probably best suited for another rarely used stadium.
The idea of “why not build a stadium?” originated when Marlins’ owner Derek Jeter suggested during public comment that the waterfront property would be the perfect spot for a new new super deluxe Marlins Park.
“I believe a new stadium will revitalize the team and improve attendance to Marlins games in a way that the last stadium you gave us just hasn’t been able to,” said the former All-Star as he signed an autograph to several starstruck city officials.

Congressional Candidate Donna Shalala held a kickoff event for her general election campaign for Congress Monday at her new campaign headquarters, a 40,000 square foot warehouse surrounded by Pine Rocklands that will be converted to a Walmart after the race ends in November.Environmental activist have been angry that Shalala sold 88-acres of land owned by the University of Miami during her time as its President to developers so it could be turned into a Walmart. The sale caused irreversible degradation to Florida’s Pine Rockland habitat.
When asked for comment as to why she believes the endangered Pine Rockland site, located near Miami Zoo, should be commercially developed, Ms. Shalala dodged the question: “I’ll tell you what’s really endangered: Moderate voices in Congress,” said the former head of Health and Human Services. “I’m so moderate…” Ms. Shalala announced with a pause.
“How moderate are you?” I finally gave in.
“I’m so moderate that I’m practically a Republican,” said Shalala, “At least that’s what you should tell your parents. But if anyone under 40 asks, then I’m really quite progressive. ‘FEEL THE BERN!‘ fam. Yaaaaas’,” added the 77-year-old.
“What do you think you are accomplishing with this stupid article?” said my friend Daniel. “Do you really want Shalala to lose? Her opponent is awful and will do nothing but support Trump’s agenda. You shouldn’t criticize Shalala.”
The truth is, I don’t know how to feel about Donna Shalala, but I don’t think she should be in Congress because I don’t think she understands how her constituents live. Also, and as bad as it is to point out, I don’t think she has the longevity to be an effective voice for South Floridians.
This was an opportunity for the Democratic Party to back someone that could have developed into a stalwart for progressives in Miami. Instead, we picked Donna Shalala, who may indeed win this race, and may win again in 2020, but then will be one of the oldest Democrats in Congress, and will still be representing a district that predominately speaks a language she doesn’t understand in a year that will likely be controlled by an electorate much more friendly to Republicans that the one she currently is struggling to energize.
“So what the fuck is your point? You’re either for us, or are against us, and are therefore with Trump,” said Daniel.
“Sigh…The Plantain endorses Donna Shalala for Congress, I guess.”

An unusually contrite Jeff Sessions, Attorney General of the United States, held a press conference this Tuesday to discuss revelations he experienced after accidentally ingesting a pot brownie.The attorney general assumed he was stealing a snack from his intern’s desk, totally unaware that the treat contained THC. A whole bunch of it. It was real potent shit.
“Brosef, I never knew what this herb could do!” spoke the attorney general as he announced a drastic change in the countries marijuana prohibition policies.
According to the ACLU’s original analysis, marijuana arrests now account for over half of all drug arrests in the United States. Of the 8.2 million marijuana arrests between 2001 and 2010, 88% were for simply having marijuana. Nationwide, the arrest data revealed one consistent trend: significant racial bias. Despite roughly equal usage rates, Blacks are 3.73 times more likely than whites to be arrested for marijuana.
In a surprisingly vulnerable admission, Mr. Sessions took direct blame for past policies “My bad y’all, this one is on me. I was sleeping on this sticky green and I played myself.”
It was the attorney general who spearheaded a reinvigorated war on marijuana. Sessions rescinded guidances from former President Barack Obama’s administration that allowed states to legalize marijuana with minimal federal interference. In a statement, Sessions said that the move will allow federal prosecutors “to use previously established prosecutorial principles that provide them all the necessary tools to disrupt criminal organizations, tackle the growing drug crisis, and thwart violent crime across our country.”
In effect, this will let federal prosecutors use their own discretion to crack down on marijuana businesses in states where pot is legal for recreational purposes.
“It was a dick move. I know that now. I think I should get some credit for figuring that out and while we are at it we should also give credit to this legendary sativa Hindu Kush. That shit turned my dick inside out.”
Congress stood shocked as Mr. Sessions addressed the Committee on Drug use and explained his three-part plan to completely overhaul America’s war on drugs.
“Step one, let my homies free. All non-violent drug offenders are chill as fuck (the new official term for the group). Step two, all Taco Bell’s are 24 hours. Every night is taco Tuesday. Step three smoke weed errday! 420 365”
When confronted by Republican Senator Richard Shelby (ALA) about the sudden change in belief and how a “good Christian man” could become a pot smoker, Mr. Sessions responded, “As far as I see it, weed is a plant, an herb, the lord made it for us. How am I to know better than God? Praise it and blaze it! I smoketh that buddha and burn it in effegy to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!.”
The committee meeting was cut short when Mr. Sessions would not lower the volume of his bluetooth speaker while he listened to Derek and The Dominoes Layla, exclaiming “Just let it get to the piano solo man. That’s the best part!”

City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez asked the City commission Monday to allow voters to decide in November whether to change Miami to a “strong mayor” form of government. The proposed Charter amendment would transform Mr. Suarez’ position from one that is largely ceremonial to one of great power, a change he says the people of Miami want. “Plus it would really showoff my abs.””Your abs?” asked Commissioner Keon Hardemon. “What does that have to do with what we are talking about?
“Bro,” the Mayor said sternly to the Commissioner, whom although he sometimes disagrees is still his bro. “I am here to represent the Miami of the future. And what Miami really needs right now, no offense to Commissioner Carollo, who has gotten a little bit fat recently, is a mayor that is strong. And being strong includes having a strong core.”
“What are you talking about?” responded Commissioner Carollo, who was pretty offended by the fat comment, but didn’t want to focus any more attention on his weight, which he was a bit self conscious about, by bringing it up. “What makes you qualified to be the leader of our City?”
“Bro,” the mayor said sternly to Commissioner Carollo, though he didn’t really consider Joe his bro, but he was trying to be nice after the fat comment, which he knows probably stung. “The people elected me to be their leader, but they don’t realize that I can’t do anything for them because our form of government gives the mayor very little power. Plus, I can do like 30 burpees and over 15 pull ups,” said the Mayor as he pointed to his oiled up abdomen. “So I will clearly be a very good strong mayor.”
“I’m sorry, Mayor, do you actually believe that in order to be a “strong mayor” you need to actually be a physically “strong” mayor? Because that’s not how this works…you know that, right?” interrupted Commissioner Ken Russel, who asked the clerk to note for the record that Francis Suarez’s body, while impressive, was in his opinion far less impressive than David Beckham who showed off his body for the Commission last month.
“Um…bro (they are bros) are you serious?” said a stunned Francis Suarez as he signaled for an aid to bring him his shirt. “Guy’s I’m sorry, this is the last time I take advice from Carlos Alvarez. Anyway, I still would like more power please.”
A note from the editor regarding the punchline to the joke. Carlos Alvarez was the former Mayor of Miami who, after leaving the office in disgrace, became a semi-professional body builder.

A team of forensic scientists at the University of Miami announced on Thursday that Congressional candidate Matt Haggman is actually a set of twins sharing one life.The discovery was made after Vickram Delsovey, a University of Miami doctoral student, received a notice that The Bethel Church tweeted a picture of Mr. Haggman giving a passionate benediction about the virtues of grace in public service only seconds after Mr. Haggman knocked on her own door to solicit her vote for the third time. “How could this guy be in two places at the same time? I had to get to the bottom of it.”
The following week, Mr. Delsovey attended several campaign events, cocktail parties, beach cleanups, fundraisers, and Make-a-Wish events, soliciting Mr. Haggman’s card at each event. It was not long before fingerprint testing of Mr. Haggman’s business cards revealed two distinct sets of prints.
When presented with the scientific evidence, Mr. Haggman admitted that he was, in fact, Patrick Haggman, Matt Haggman’s identical twin-brother, and that the two have occupied the same existence for the last six-years. “It’s really the only way that I, er, I mean we, could handle our schedule.” The Plantain asked Patrick to connect us to Matt so we could get his thoughts on being discovered, but we were told that he was busy spending the day smiling as aggressive seniors interrogated him at a number of South Florida old folks home before flying to DC for a fundraiser held in his honor by a former Obama staffer.
Alberto Ibargüen, Mr. Haggman’s former boss at the Knight Foundation chuckled when presented with the information. “That actually makes a lot of sense. The guy is everywhere.”
The Haggmans announced that they plan to use their dual-identity to their advantage if elected, with Matt promising to remain at his Miami’s office while Patrick mucks around in D.C. “Patrick has always wanted to be in D.C. But my heart is in Miami,” said Matt.
EDITORS NOTE: After this article’s publication an anonymous source sent the Plantain proof that Davie Haggman, a third twin, otherwise known as a triplet, had been discovered in the candidate’s/candidates’ hometown of Cambridge, Massachusetts. Although initially reluctant to speak with The Plantain (whom he dismissed as “fake news”), when pressed about his brothers candidacies, Davie Haggman said Matt and, to a lesser degree, Patrick were always “wicked ambitious pissers that always tried wicked hard to impress mom and pops because I’ve always been their favorite,” said Davie, a shift-leader at MIT’s second-most popular Dunkin Donuts.

A massive, toxic algae bloom is spreading throughout Lake Okeechobee. Residents and environmentalist have expressed concerns to Governor Rick Scott, who insisted the algae growth is nothing to worry about and, in fact, reminds him of his own planet’s green lakes.”The patina the algae creates, when it catches your eyes, man, there ain’t nothin’ prettier in the universe,” said Scott while touring an infected literal zone in Central Florida. “I haven’t seen anything like this since I was a hatchling on Cerberus,” the Governor said thoughtfully as a lone tear dropped from his cheek.
“And what would you say to critics who attribute the toxic growth to budget cuts to environmental relief programs pushed through by your administration?” we asked the Governor.
“Governor? Governor?” I pressed, but he said nothing.
As the Governor stared off toward the murky lake, he finally turned to me.
“I didn’t think it would be so hard.”
“Being governor?”
“Being human…People have been so mean to me here. When I was young my Snorglongs and I would go down to Lake Xionic every Normine and skip space stones together,” the Governor told me in his native tongue. “Those were the happiest days of my life.”
“Governor, why did you leave Cerebus?”
“I wanted to explore the universe. I also got into an argument with my Snorgs and…I just needed to get out of there. So after farthobbin, which is what Cerberiums call “university”, I booked a seat on a higotintraub, which is what we call a ” space shuttle”, and went to Earth.”
“How can you say people are mean to you? You’re governor. You’re rich. You have a family that loves you. Jesus, you are probably going to be a Senator and you’re running against an actual astronaut. How can you possibly feel bad for your…”
“You hear what they say about me!” Governor Scott screamed, cutting me off. “Hell, I’ve seen what you’ve written about me! The comments about how I look like Batboy or Voldemort. How I’m a human-snakebat hybrid. That hurts my uytonics, which is what we call “feelings” back home.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it,” I told the Governor, which was true. It’s easy to forget that the people we write about are people, or Cerebuans, who have families and lives and…feelings. Or uytonics. Maybe making fun of Rick Scott, or any one’s physical appearance is just a lazy way of criticizing a person in a way that doesn’t subject your argument to refutation.
“You deserve better than to be mocked for your looks, Rick. And I’m sorry that people can be cruel. But what people are angry about is a trend throughout your entire career to put the needs of corporate interests in front of the people.”
“That’s true. It’s true. Economic stability is more important than compassion. I’m sorry you disagree with that, but it’s what I believe. And if you don’t like that then organize against me. But I disagree with what you believe, and getting angry and calling me names and making me feel bad about myself and like I’m not welcome in the place where I live is just not nice. It’s not cool anymore.”
Silence surrounded us for several moments. “Do you ever think you’ll go back?” I asked the Governor after the lull.
“I don’t think so. But at least I have this view,” said Governor Scott as he took in the green, algae bloom as it shimmered beneath the setting sun. “This has been off the record, by the way.”

Donald Trump will reportedly nominate a leather bound Catholic bible to replace Justice Anthony Kennedy on the United States Supreme Court. The announcement is expected later this evening, with White House officials touting the book’s qualification for the post of crucial swing vote on the secular court.”The bible is very well read and has had a long-history of influencing Court decisions,” said interim White House Press Secretary Heinrich Ortsgruppenleiter, “It makes sense that the book finally has a place directly on the Court.”
Democrats have threatened to block the bible’s nomination, but privately concede that the good book’s qualifications are quite good. Born before Christ and believed by some to be the literal word of god, the bible received dual degrees from the Yale Law and Divinity Schools before clerking for the late Justice Antonin Scalia. It has worked at the Justice Department under Jeff Sessions since President Trump took office and is believed to have played important behind the scenes roles in nearly every conservative legal victory over the past several decades.

The minister of a small Baltimore church is defending his decision to deny White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders entrance to Sunday services. The made-up story comes only days after Ms. Huckabee Sanders really was kicked out of a restaurant due to her affiliation with President Trump and his administration’s decision to [fill your own atrocity!].”The Christian religion has certain standards that it has to uphold, such as honesty, compassion, cooperation, not being so awful to immigrants,” said Rev. Taylor of the Our Lady of Immaculate Speculation of his decision to kick Ms. Sanders out. When asked why he was singling out Ms. Huckabee Sanders when the Obama administration also was sort of shitty to immigrants, Rev. Taylor said it was because he was politically inclined to react negatively to news about Trump and didn’t really follow Obama’s immigration policy, but even if Obama wasn’t perfect that doesn’t mean what Trump is doing now is okay and should be accepted.”
But some online have been critical of the decision by restaurants and other service providers to deny access based only on the patron’s politics or position in the government. As journalistic proof for the previous statement, observe this fight between three random people I stumbled across online. I messed up screenshotting it, but it doesn’t matter because news coverage is mostly about the headline and making sure its provocative enough to get people to share it and comment on it without anyone actually reading the whole thing to determine if it’s real or fake.