Miami has seen its fair share of escape room themes come and go, but nothing screams “there’s no way out” like your bosses’ niece’s Quinceanera.
Top 40? THAT’S TOO MANY SONGS! Big 105.9 has got the BEST SONGS. IT HAS ALL OF THE 10 BEST SONGS EVER!This is the definitive 2017 ranking of the top 10 songs of the only 10 songs they play on BIG 105.9
NUMBER 10: Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffett 1977 – 4’15” – “Flip on a crop top? Beating a cock block. Cutting a deal while I’m boozing back home.” These might be the real lyrics to this song! If you can drunk dial your ex wife while freestyle scatting song lyrics, you know you are listening to a classic tune.
ALSO NUMBER 10: Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns and Roses 1987 – 5’56”- Both a rock anthem and a heartful tribute. This song has got it all. Bitching guitar, screeching vocals, bewildering key changes, incoherent tone, conflicting themes, obvious vamping, maudlin sentimentality, and did I mention bitching guitar?!
NUMBER 9: Don’t Stop Believing – Journey 1981 – 4’11”- The ultimate karaoke show stopper! I haven’t researched this, but I am 90% sure Karaoke means fun in Filipino or whatever, and it is no surprise that this classic is always on top of the karaoke charts! Fun fact: you may remember this song being sung by the irreplaceable Steve Perry, but in 2007, Arnel Pineda replaced Steve Perry as the lead singer of Journey. Another fun fact: My ex-wife Jen replaced me in 2012 with one of her work friends she always told me not to worry about. Imitated though never duplicated!
NUMBER 8: Jack and Diane – John Mellencamp 1982 – 4’16” – This one always takes you back to simpler times. When guys were guys, girls were girls, and nobody would get on your ass about not being able to find the Phillipines on a map. “Suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez, stop making me feel bad for being a white guy please.”
NUMBER 7: Hotel California – Eagles 1976 – 6’30” – My high school best friend Dave used to be able to play this song on guitar, well, most of it, and he moved to California and joined a cult. I sometimes think of Dave when I am listening to this song 4 times a day on Big 105.9. I don’t know if Dave is alive or dead, but then again, Dave might not even know. The last thing Dave ever said to me was “I am chasing the false memory of an endless warmth.” Dave was a cool dude.
NUMBER 6: Black Dog – Led Zeppelin – 1971 – 4’55” – Guitar gods from on high deliver us from sin, stop, just stop, let’s be serious, this song is barely a song and yet somehow it is a whopping four minutes and fifty five seconds! That is basically 5 minutes of alternating nonsense and the same masturbatory guitar riff that feels like interminably bad sex. Are their better Led Zeppelin songs? Relatively. But here comes “Black Dog” flying straight into your ear holes.
NUMBER 5: Pianoman – BIlly Joel 1973 – 5’40” – I got a cramp in my finger scrolling through the lyrics of this priceless gem of songwriting. Did you know this song is autobiographical? Did you also know that when Billy Joel sweat out this tune he was trying to write a song that would make the bar pay him for the full hour, probably? Also, not to be forgotten, let us all admire the balls on the pre chorus, “la la la di da da”. Was he being paid by the note? Did an italian organ grinder just wander into the ristorante? Yes, I would like a single rose for my lady. Because I am classy, and I have a classy lady who I let order whatever she wants off the menu, because she knows not to get the veal scallopini unless it is a special occasion. All hail the theme song of cirrhosis.
NUMBER 4: Shook me all night long – AC/DC 1980 – 3’32” – I can’t do it like I used to; herniated disk in the back, no cartilage in my knees, and high blood pressure. So I can fully appreciate a woman with extra sexual vigor. As long as she is interested in the 2-3 sexual positions that I can do without getting light headed. If we are drunk enough, and let’s not kid ourselves we are definitely both drunk, why wouldn’t we turn back the clock and try it standing up with you bent over the couch? And would it kill you to use the lingerie I bought you 3 years ago for Valentine’s? Oh?! NOW I hurt your feelings?!
NUMBER 3: JUMP! – Van Halen 1984 – 4’02” – What makes a great song? That feeling you get when you hear those first few notes that makes you want to jump out of your chair at the tailgate and start singing. This song literally tells you to “JUMP!”. It couldn’t be easier to figure out! It’s got a great synth part that back in 84’ made me feel kinda gay, but now I am a little more assured of my masculinity. It may have been “progressive” then, but I just met my nephew’s new boyfriend over the holidays and that experience leaves synth in the glittering dust. He makes pottery btw. And he owns his own kiln.
PS. Anyone ever notice how the end of the synth solo sounded like it could have been the music behind the DiC Entertainment logo from the end of Inspector Gadget in 1990?
NUMBER 2: Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns and Roses – 1987 – 5’56”- Too good to be included just once. This guitar riff intro is air guitar heaven! Doo dee doo dee diii dee diii doop, doo dee doo dee diii dee diii doop. Or was it playing this whole time in the background? I don’t think I have felt anything in 11 years! Doo dee doo dee diii doop diii doop!!! If I blacked out and fell off the side of my Disney Cruise Ship in the summer of 2006 and never woke up, it wouldn’t surprise me. Doo dee doo dee diii doop diii doop!!! I hear waves crashing whenever I close my eyes. Doo dee doo dee diii dee diii doop, doo dee doo dee diii dee diii doop. WHOOSH…….WHOOOOSHHHHH.
NUMBER 1: Crazy Train – Ozzy Osbourne 1980 – 4’56”- “All ABOARD!!!!” Closing out this power rock hour is this Blizzard of Oz classic, “Crazy Train”. When you are crawling down the 836, blasting this track, smoking a cigarette with the window down so that your wife can’t smell it on you when you get home, you are sending a big middle finger up to whatever the hell kids listen to nowadays. Fuck em! I was cool and I will always be cool! Because cool doesn’t age! I don’t think twice before having a couple of cold ones at lunch during the work week. I don’t need new songs. I got the best ones right here! grabs crotch
This list contains 54 minutes and 9 seconds of suppressed reality. Please listen responsibly.