Ernesto Padron, 38, was killed Friday evening by a group of costumed moviegoers as he exited a screening of the new Avengers movie. Mr. Padron reportedly screamed out the movie’s ending to a crowd of dozens waiting for their theater to open, purposefully ruining the climax of Marvel’s 22-film cinematic universe for no reason other than to be a jerk and to show off to his friends. Mr. Padron’s attackers have been caught, but charges are not expected after the State Attorney’s Office called the killing “fully justified.”
The attack was reportedly orchestrated by an overweight Captain America, who attacked Mr. Padron at the insistence of his friend Hispanic Nick Furry and his girlfriend, who was dressed as Daenerys from Game of Thrones for some reason. When asked about the anachronism, fat Captain Ameria’s girlfriend explained: “I just think she is super cute and I already had the costume.”
“What kind of person waits for months to see a movie, purchases tickets six months in advance, goes to see the movie on opening night, and then immediately decides to ruin the movie for everyone else that was just as excited to see it as he was?” asked every decent person in the world who is now forced to completely avoid the internet until they see this stupid movie.
“I don’t even really like the Marvel movies, but I’ve seen all of them, so what, am I not going to see the last one? This sucks, I can’t even check my Instagram because all of my friends are jerk nerds too,” said Daniel Ceverdas shortly before purchasing tickets to the new Star Wars movie which doesn’t even come out for like 8 months and he knows he is going to hate it too, but what is he going to do, not see the Star Wars movie, goddamnit.