The Miami Heat are in the NBA Finals, which means fans across Miami and pretenders as far north as Boca are cheering them on as they take on Lebron James and the LA Lakers for the championship. If you’ve been a fan of the Miami Heat, you should know that it is a tradition for South Floridians to celebrate a Heat win by clanking together pots and pans while wearing a Chris Bosh jersey they got in 2013 that used to fit. “Only in Dade!” yelled one pot holding Heat fan who was too high and accidentally banged his Abuela’s ceramic vase in celebration until it shattered.

In an attempt to embrace this loud and obnoxious celebratory tradition, the Miami Heat announced that they will be releasing an official, limited-edition line of Heat-branded pots and pans so die-hard fans can celebrate in style.

The Plantain spoke to new Heat hero, 20-year-old Tyler Herro, and asked him what he thought about the Heat’s new product line and whether he is excited about being embraced by Miami’s fans. “Yeah, it’s cool” before snarling his upper lip. We asked the devilishly handsome boy how it felt leading the Heat to a finals showdown against former Heat legend Lebron James, to which the sexy, young, so-white-he-could-sell-shoes-at-a-Klan-rally player said “Um, do you want to talk to Jimmy or Bam? They’re really the two responsible for our playoff run.” Looks, talent, and humility!

We declined his offer because we had to get downtown for an interview with Duncan Robinson, and it isn’t because Jimmy and Bam are Black so don’t even think that’s the case we’re just really impressed that Tyler Herro had one really good game and therefore we’re going to put him on all of our Plantain/Heat branded merchandise and in the foreground of pictures in front of the perennial All-Star who willed this underdog team to a Finals appearance in the first place.

The Plantain reached out to former Heat champion Lebron James about his thoughts on the new line of pots and pans and whether he misses Miami’s unique cultural celebration. “Yeah, Miami was a great place to play and if they beat us in the Finals this year I might have to take my talents back to South Beach and play with Tyler Herro, Duncan Robinson, Goran Dragic, and the rest of the guys on that roster.”

The Heat-branded line of pots and pans are available on the official Miami Heat website as well as the Heat Stores located within the Dolphin Mall. The pots and pans are made in China which a representative of the Miami Heat’s Beijing office, Xian Lu, who is overseeing the manufacturing of the product line, told me was going “A-okay yankee-applesauce” before noting preemptively that China is a very good country with no human rights violations and how much he loves Tyler Herro.

Florida International University has been using this weekend’s game against UM as a fundraising opportunity, promoting the game as “The Championship of the Battle For Miami”, which we think is just like totally cute, you guys.The Plantain asked several FIU students wearing University of Miami shirts on campus about the rivalry, to which each student proudly held up a []_[] before letting this reporter know it was “all about” it. We attempted to find UM students wearing FIU apparel, but of course couldn’t find anyone. “F.I.Who?” asked University of Miami biology student Katherine Winters, originally from Hartford, Connecticut.

“I think it’s adorable,” said Manny Diaz of FIU’s insistence that it is football rivals with the University of Miami. “But no…no one really thinks that.

The Plantain asked FIU President Mark Rosenberg to comment on the widespread agreement FIU isn’t really rivals with University of Miami, to which he adamantly stated “nuh-uh!”

When Jenny Basques walked in on her husband of six-years in tears Wednesday evening, she feared for the worst. “Baby, what’s the matter?” she said as she ran over. “Did your mother get the test results?””No, said Hernando, 33, as he stared misty-eyed at the television. “It’s Dwyane Wade’s last game and Budweiser put out a really sad commercial.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” Jenny responded to her husband, who she had never seen cry before and whose emotional unavailability had been a source of contention between the two for years.
“It’s just so sad, Wade has done so much for Miami since joining the league in 2003, except for that time he left for Cleveland and Chicago, which we don’t talk about. I’m gonna miss him a lot,” wept Hernando, who had only last month mocked his six-year-old son for crying after he fell off his bike.
“He told our son he was ‘being a pussy’ for crying after he fell, and it turned out he had fractured his elbow!” said Jenny as she blocked the couple’s son from entering the living room at the request of her husband. “It’s not good for a boy to see his father cry,” said Hernando as he blew his nose on his Wade jersey.
“Dad,” the man’s son called from the other room. “I know you’re sad and I just want you to know that I don’t think you’re a pussy and I love you very much.”
Touched by his son’s emotional maturity, Hernando took a breath, wiped the tears from his face, and met his son in the hall.
“I love you, daddy,” said his boy, widening his arms for a hug. “Thanks, son,” said Hernando, grabbing his sons hand and giving it a vigorous shake. Hernando’s refusal to tell his son that he loved him or to hug the young boy caused the child to well up, to which Hernando told his son to stop or “he would give him something to cry about.”

Where is the love for Udonis Haslem?Much has been made of Dwyane Wade’s final season for the Miami Heat, but everyone is sleeping on UD. While Haslem’s role for Miami has diminished over the last three seasons, he is still fucking awesome.
UD’s voice has been vital to the locker room and the Heat’s success. The 38-year-old Miami native is one of the team’s captains, and it’s not uncommon for him to mentor teammates on the bench during games or raise his voice at halftime — even before coaches enter the room — when things are not going to his liking.
“UD is always the guy who sets the standard for teammates,” Heat point guard Goran Dragic said.
Haslem, a Miami High grad and an undrafted free agent out of the University of Florida, has spent his entire NBA career with the Heat. He has been part of all three NBA championship teams in franchise history. Wade can’t say that. Shaq can’t say that. LeBron can’t say that.
Haslem is the Heat’s all-time leader in rebounds. He is the first undrafted player in NBA history to be a team’s all-time leading rebounder.
Let’s honor a legend and put a statute honoring what UD does best: Taking a charge.
PS. UD also has the best song written about a basketball player:

Twelve Miami Marlins and eight Boston Red Sox players were rushed to Jackson Hospital after a previously unknown retractable floor at Marlins Stadium’s was inadvertently opened during the National Anthem on Monday. The players sustained numerous injuries after falling 15 feet onto a concrete basement floor. Several dozen others sustained minor bruises that did not necessitate hospitalization. Billy the Marlin was killed.Upon being asked why the team had installed the patently dangerous contraption, Marlins CEO Derek Jeter responded with, “I don’t f—ing know! Ask Loria! I had no idea we had a retractable floor, either!”
When pressed on why he hadn’t done his due diligence before buying the franchise, Mr. Jeter gave this reporter the middle finger and slammed a door in his face.
Jeffrey Loria, the Marlins’ former president and sentient personification of all Seven Deadly Sins, was found hiding in a copper bathtub filled with hundred dollar bills and drumsticks.
“It’s branding, baby!” he exclaimed between mouthfuls of fried chicken. “You need the biggest, the best, the loudest, the craziest to draw in the fans! You need to spend money!”
I asked Mr. Loria whether he believed the purchase of such amenities was ultimately detrimental to the team’s wellbeing.
“Detrimental?” he retorted self-righteously. “You’re talking about it aren’t you? The press is writing about it! The fans are posting about it! You can’t buy that exposure! It’s the best thing to happen to the team in years! Jeter ought to be ******* my ****.”
When questioned on whether that money might have been better invested in the players rather than dubious stadium infrastructure, Mr. Loria looked at me as if I had grown an arm from my forehead.
“Who gives a **** about the players?” he asked with genuine confusion.
Mr. Loria then took a hearty bite out of a drumstick that he pulled from between his thighs and kicked me out of his house to count his money.
Written by Bobby D. Foster.

“I got to be honest, I just don’t think my heart is really in it any more,” said Dolphins owner Stephen M. Ross about his langering, wait, is that a word? What do I mean…floundering? languishing? Yeah, one of those, about his languishing franchise.”When I first bought the Dolphins in 2008, I was really optimistic that we could have a few successful seasons. But it just hasn’t happened. And now it’s just so much work and it seems like the more we do the worse it gets. Maybe it would be best for our fans to just be prepared to write off the next couple decades. Hopefully we can be competitive again mid-century, once our current roster of coaches, owners, and players are retired or dead.”
The Plantain reached out to lone Dolphins fan Chase Black for comment on Mr. Ross’ admission of perpetual awfulness. “It’s been 45 years since our last Championship…I can wait another 45 years,” said Aventura resident as he slipped on a pair of turquoise Crocs over his socks.

The City of Miami voted unanimously to kick the Ultra Music Festival out of Bayfront Park. The electronic music festival has attracted techno music lovers, dendrophiliacs, and drug enthusiasts from all over the world to Bayfront Park since 2001, but in recent years has become a source of blinding rage for downtown property owners who believe the three-day music festival attracts far too many young people having a great time to the City and could potentially be “bad for their investment.”The Commission was adamant that electronic music was not “real music like when I was a kid” and passed a unanimous resolution to “tell those kids to turn that noise down, dagnabbit!”
At the hearing, Commissioner Joe “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” Carollo told his constituents that he would work to save Bayfront Park so the community could continue to enjoy its ‘concrete and broken water fountain’ design, however the Commissioners eventually decided the City-owned waterfront land was probably best suited for another rarely used stadium.
The idea of “why not build a stadium?” originated when Marlins’ owner Derek Jeter suggested during public comment that the waterfront property would be the perfect spot for a new new super deluxe Marlins Park.
“I believe a new stadium will revitalize the team and improve attendance to Marlins games in a way that the last stadium you gave us just hasn’t been able to,” said the former All-Star as he signed an autograph to several starstruck city officials.

Amid a tepid off-season which saw such moves as: re-signing Jarnell Stokes from a team in China, keeping Dwyane Wade out of retirement for a year so he can add a wing to his third home, and…not much else; the Heat have opted to retire crowd favorite Burnie the flaming ball mascot thing to usher in a new era of Heat Basketball.Luke, an anthropomorphic cup of room temperature water, works at an insurance company, has a house pretty far north, like around Davie probably, and fucking loves Chili’s. Luke sometimes goes out drinking on the weekends, but he hasn’t in a few months because work has been pretty busy and his friend Todd who he would drink with moved to Kendall to be closer to his mom whose health is on the decline. That’s Luke, the Lukewarm Dixie cup of water, your new mascot for the Miami HEAT!!!!!!!!!
He is about 79 degrees of pure water from the cooler that has been sitting in the sun for an hour or so and he’s excited to lead YOUR beloved HEAT to the 7th or 8th seed maybe. He’s Luke, the lukewarm cup of water!!
“This year is going to probably be the most exciting Heat season ever,” said Center Hassan Whiteside of his NBA2k Miami Heat team, which he set to feature the entirity of the Golden State Warriors’ current lineup but with Whiteside instead of DeMarcus Cousins.

The Miami Marlins announced today that they will start to host local little league games at Marlins Park in an effort to boost slumping ticket sales. The Marlins have struggled in the past year to keep attendance in the publicly financed stadium up, to no avail. The Marlins are currently on pace to have the worst attendance record in MLB history, with an average of 6 people per game, all of whom won their tickets on Power 96.But owners are confident that this new approach will guarantee a steady stream of income. “To be honest, I’m surprised we didn’t do this before.”, said team owner Derek Jeter. “With kids playing, we know that at the very least their parents will show up to the game. 11 kids per team, two parents a game, that’s 44 paying customers! Maybe some uncles or cousins even show up, you know, if they’re not busy. That’s a bigger turnout than we’ve had in months. We might even be able to pay the vendors with real money instead of discounted tickets.”

Not every member of the Marlins association is pleased with the teams change in business model. “I didn’t settle for the Marlins to have to share the stadium with a bunch of brats! I was perfectly fine playing to empty stands every week.”, said player J.T Realmuto. It seems he’s not alone in his dissatisfaction, as many of the little league players have expressed no desire to play at Marlins Park. “This is so goddamn insulting!”, said seven year old North Miami Tornadoes outfielder Gabriel Cortez. “We are champions, and we have play in this dump? With a bunch of has beens who are at the low point of their careers? I demand we at least get to play at Dolphin Stadium!”

Despite naysayers, the new approach seems to be working as park attendance has reached a new record this summer with almost fifty people at last Saturday’s match between the Old Cutler Bulldogs of Pinecrest and and the Gentrifiyankees of East Brickell, however at least thirty of the attendees were only there because they had custody that weekend.
By Little Danny Jimenez, age 24, designated hitter for the Plantain Staff Writers.

Miami Dolphins players could face penalties from the team this season if they violate the league’s new policy about kneeling during the national anthem, including, and not limited to, mandatory contract extensions with the Dolphins.”This really puts us in a tough position,” says receiver Kenny Stills, who did not stand for the Anthem most of last season and whose contract is up in 2019. “On the one hand I want to express myself and my opinion that America can do better than what she currently is, while at the same time, I’d like to at least have a chance to leave the Dolphins and compete for a Super Bowl at some point in my career.”
The Dolphins ended last season with a 10-6 record and have not won a post-season game since this before 9/11. In a statement to The Plantain, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross said that forcing contract extensions on protesting players was a “great way” to keep young and talented players in the organization.
“We want to grow our roster and build around great players like Stills, Julius Thomas, and Michael Thomas. We think the best way to keep those players in Turquoise is through a system of oppressive penalties.”
When asked why the Dolphins chose to not offer a contract to Collin Kaepernick, who has become the face of the NFL protests, instead deciding to sign middle-aged dad Jay Cutler, Ross said the decision was purely financial. “We’re about to ask Miami-Dade County for a $50,000,000 subsidy to move our training center to Miami Gardens. We didn’t want to let politics get in the way of our money grab.”