By James PicklemanYesterday evening at Tropical Park local football coach, Marcus Soto, was arrested during practice after telling his team to take a knee. Soto who is an American was quickly deported by ICE after a brief stint in jail.
Despite claims that the police misunderstood the meaning of taking the knee, and that he was just ending practice in a huddle, police stand by the arrest.
Soto’s son, Michael Soto, was the running back for the Kendall Panthers and was kneeling at the time but was not arrested along with the team as they were minors.
According to Michael’s mother, Maria Soto, her son is now so scared of getting deported that he wouldn’t even kneel in the pews while attending mass at St. Brendan’s Catholic Church after his game.
James Pickleman is a staff writer for The Plantain.

By Michael de ArmasThe Miami Marlins in an odd promotional stunt, had a man with a comically large name tag reading Arnold, and a marlin painted on his face come out onto center field between the top and bottom of the seventh inning in today’s game versus the Mets simply to set two worn ash bats on fire with a barbeque lighter.
Arnold, a tired looking man of about forty years, who The Plantain discovered was an old roadie for the band Metallica during the 90s, simply walked out onto the middle of the field at the half of the seventh inning and unceremoniously set two bats on fire and just as promptly walked off, looking down at his feet lethargically, leaving the visiting center fielder Juan Lagares to find a place for the charred pieces when play resumed.
After the game, team president Derek Jeter fielded questions over the odd display.
On the man being very clearly named Arnold: Well you want people to identify with a mascot, and we had a few meetings and we all agreed the name Arnold was a good name. Go Arnold!
> An old roadie for the band Metallica during the 90’s walked out onto the field in the seventh inning and unceremoniously set two bats on fire and then just walked off.
On the possible political implications of the promotion: Well you never want to send the wrong message, and we did put a lot of thought into whether it was the right thing to show during the seventh inning stretch when God Bless America could be playing, we asked several people what they thought and none of them could really make heads or tails of it so we decided it was probably alright.
On the nature of the promotion itself: Well, fire is exciting and sometimes in baseball, when the offense is doing well you say ‘Their bats are on fire’ so we decided that would be cool.
On Who Arnold is: Arnold has a mysterious past, we aren’t really sure on the backstory yet, but I can tell you it is really really mysterious, and he has different powers we are working on. He is somehow related to fish. We all agree he should be from the ocean.
On Billy: Billy was great but the costume was very expensive, unfortunately, we had to repurpose the fabric to fix some of the paddings on the outfield wall.
Michael de Armas is a staff writer for The Plantain

By Mario ChalmersThe Miami Heat have made the playoffs, which means fans across South Florida are getting ready to cheer them on as they attempt to make it past the first round of the NBA Playoffs. If you’ve been a fan of the Miami Heat, you should know that it is tradition for South Floridians to celebrate a Heat win by clanking together pots and pans in order to create as big a ruckus as possible.
In an attempt to embrace the pots and pans celebratory culture, the Miami Heat have announced that they will be releasing an official, limited-edition line of Heat-branded pots and pans so die-hard fans can celebrate in style.
>The pots also come with built-in noise amplification, so you can make the loudest racket east of the Mississippi
“I’m very excited and happy to see this organization embracing local fan culture,” said Erik Spoelstra, head coach of the Miami Heat. “I can’t wait to see all the fans cooking and cheering in style.”
The collection, however, does not come cheap. If you want the full collection, which includes all of the items in the official line of products, you’ll pay a whopping $305.99 However, the pans are made with non-stick, high-quality material, come with a lifetime warranty. The pots also come with built-in noise amplification, so you can make the loudest racket east of the Mississippi.
“I actually pre-ordered one myself,” said Dwyane Wade, who recently was reacquired by the Heat. “And one for Lebron as well.”
The Heat-branded line of pots and pans are now available on the official Miami Heat website as well as the Heat Stores located within the American Airlines Arena and the Dolphin Mall. For more information visit MiamiHeatStore.com/chusmeria.
Mario Chalmers is a staff writer for The Plantain.

By Michael de ArmasAmerican Airlines Arena, home of the Miami Heat basketball team, has been abuzz with the news that Miami sports legend Dwyane Wade would be returning to the team from an unfortunate disagreement and exile that lasted several years.
Old employees of the arena greeted Wade with tears in their eyes upon seeing the idol return. Newer employees sheepishly waved in awe as Wade, 36, strode through the tunnels of the AA Arena, beholding his own likeness among the championship murals blazoning the walls. However, once in the confines of the shrine-like locker room confusion quickly ensued.
The famous returning player was warmly greeted by Maria Contreras, 62, a CVS employee working as a greeter at the new ‘CVS y Mas’ installed conveniently in Wade’s old locker. However, Wade was visibly shaken by the change and spent several moments seated on the floor, dazed, surrounded by AA Arena and CVS personnel, who asked him if he wanted a CVS Brand Gold Emblem Peach Soda Water or confection at a steady discount as consolation.
> Wade was visibly shaken and spent several moments seated on the floor, dazed.
Wade told The Plantain, “This is the first place I went after we won the chip’ in 06, I came here after my first game in the league, too, and cried. This spot means so much to me, so much… now people will only come here mainly to fill their prescriptions… Things change, I guess, but why must they change like this?”
Despite the initial shock, Wade quickly adapted and now seems relatively comfortable in his new locker next to the CVS. He has formed an unlikely friendship with Maria, the admiring CVS greeter, and plans to visit the CVS if he ever needs an ACE bandage for an in-game sports injury, shampoo, or something to drink late at night.
Michael de Armas is a photojournalist and staff writer for The Plantain.

It’s a great day for sports fans in this city, as David Beckham has gotten the green light from Major League Soccer to form a franchise in Miami. Citizens are elated, not only at the prospect of the city getting its own team in the world’s most popular sport but at the inevitable civil unrest that will most likely accompany any losses or wins the team gets.“I’ve waited years for this!”, said Enrique Santos, local food truck chef. “I remember my first riot when I was just ten years old back in Argentina. We won 3-2 against Colombia, and I helped my father burn down a hospital. That same night my father was beaten to death by other fans while I watched. I can’t wait to make lasting memories like that with my son. I just hope we don’t have a stupid name like the Blowfish or the Lemurs. No one wants to hear that Lemur fans blew up a public school.”
The new stadium is already scheduled to be built in Overtown, leaving plenty of potential targets for future fans to loot, set fire to, or generally vandalize after either the joy of winning or the despair of losing. In response local business owners have happily fled in mass, wishing whoever attempts to gentrify the neighborhood luck in rebuilding continually over the next few years.
We caught up with the architect of all this eventual destruction, David Beckham. “After reading that Miami has the worst road rage in the country, I realized there was enough raw emotion here to power sports riots rivaling Philadelphia. Soon everyone in Miami will experience the delight of watching a game boil over into a series of violent episodes that tear at the very fabric of society. Leaving countless lives ruined forever? It’s gonna be great! ” Plans to erect the stadium are underway, with several major companies already vowing to never insure it.
Written by Daniel Jimenez

The Miami Marlins and New York Yankees have agreed to trade terms for MVP Giancarlo Stanton. New CEO of the Miami Marlins and former Yankee captain, Derek Jeter, announced the trade as part of his strategy to turn the Marlins into the best farm team in baseball.Jeter told the Plantain, “We needed Stanton on the Marlins to make sure he was ready before bringing him up to a real team. He’s been struggling with injuries early in his career, but after last year’s MVP campaign, we knew it was time to call him up.”
Stanton compiled an impressive stat-line in 2017, hitting a Marlins’ single season record 59 home runs.
The deal would send Yankees infielder, Starlin Castro, to the Marlins in exchange for Stanton. “I want Starlin to know that this isn’t a demotion,” said Jeter. “We see a lot of talent in him and hope he’ll continue to develop as a Marlin. If he proves himself here, he’ll be back with the Yankees in no time.”
The trade is just the first step in Jeter’s plan to rebrand the Marlins as the best farm team in baseball. Jeter stated when purchasing the team, “I’ve always thought that the Yankees AAA team would benefit from playing everyday against real major leaguers, but in a setting where they didn’t have the pressure of competing for a championship or in front of fans. Acquiring the Miami Marlins fit perfectly with this strategy.”
By Tommy DiLillo

The United States Patent and Trade Mark Office approved a patent submitted by the University of Miami for the invention of swagger.”Ain’t no thing,” said University of Miami’s quarterback Malik Rossier, who has led his team to a thus-far undefeated season. “Everyone knows the U invented swagger. So what took the government so long?”
The University of Miami have been claiming to have invent swagger since the 1980’s, but for years has been unable to demonstrate their first use status to the US government. But the Patent and Trademark Office became convinced of the University’s claims earlier this year with the debut of the “Turnover Chain.”
“We thought the University’s claims were dubious, but as soon as we saw that chain on the field we knew the school had swag out the ass. I mean, who does that? Give them a patent, trademark, whatever. Those guys deserve this,” said Patent Officer Bob Crochet.

 Maria Jordan does not care about her husband’s March Madness bracket. Like, at all. 

“No!” and “Are you fuckin’ serious?” yelled Jonathan Jordan from the other room while watching the Villanova vs. Wisconsin game. 

“Babe, 11th seeded USC beat SMU at 6!” screamed Jonathan to his wife as she prepared a dinner she knew would be enjoyed at the coffee table as the television blared in front of them. “That’s bad right?” replied Maria passively, not caring at all about what her husband just said or was about to say. “Yeah, obviously. Luckily Damian had Creighton beating Rhode Island, so I’m still in the running for the office pool.” 

“That’s great,” said Maria, who had never even heard of Creighton and for a minute considered asking where it was but decided not to so as to not trigger another lecture about the tournament from her husband. (Editor’s Note: It’s in Nebraska. We didn’t know either.).  

 “Yes! Yes! Yes!” shouted Jonathan as Duke, who he had picked to win the whole thing, pulled ahead of South Carolina. “I love you babe,” shouted a jubilant Jonathan to his wife, before asking her to bring him another beer.  

Researchers at the University of Miami (8th seed) Medical School, in partnership with Duke University (2nd seed) and John’s Hopkins (unranked), have partnered to successfully develop a cure for March Madness.

The disorder, first discovered in 1939, affects more than 30 million people every year and can cause symptoms such as mood swings, loss of productivity, intimacy issues, and weight gain. “I just hate to see him like this,” said Maria Jordan about her husband Johnathan. “He is usually so attentive and loving, but every March he becomes a real asshole and stops paying attention to me.”

The Plantain spoke to Maria’s husband and lifelong Jayhawk (1st seed) fanatic Jonathan Jordan about how March Madness has impacted his life, but could only get him to make fleeting eye contact with us as he muttered something about Butler (4th seed) being overrated. “I love Maria, but this is March Madness. She understands. Go Jayhawks!” smiled an excited Jonathan before returning to fiddling with his bracket in the middle of the workday.

The new drug, called Valvanify, offers hope to Maria and millions like her by inhibiting dopamine receptors and causing recipients to stop caring about college athletics, or really anything for that matter.

We caught up with Jonathan shortly after his first dose of Valvanify and asked him who he had for his Final Four. “What does it matter,” whispered Jonathan. “We’re all going to die anyway. Who cares about college basketball. No one even knows where Gonzaga is.”

Valvanify’s side effects include suicidal thoughts and actions, dizziness, nausea, bloody stool, and muscle aches, but the results speak for themselves.

“We’ve never been happier,” said Maria as she sat on the couch with her husband to watch something she wants to watch for a change as he lethargically stared off into the distance.

“It’s just so nice to have my husband back! I just hated having to worry about him screaming about his bracket busting all the time,” said Maria.

“You don’t have to worry about that anymore,” droned Jonathan as he sat dizzy and nauseated next to his wife of 13-years feeling absolutely nothing inside.

Pots were banged and guns were shot in the air on Eighth Street Wednesday evening as thousands of Miami Heat fans took to the streets to celebrate the Chicago Cubs’ historic World Series victory. “JAJAJA VAMOS CUBBIES!” yelled an elderly gentleman in a wifebeater as he danced salsa down the crowded street with a cigar in his mouth.

The Plantain’s English-speaking correspondent caught up with a group of fans celebrating the Cubs’ first world championship in 108 years and asked why they had so much affection and joy for the Windy City. “Oh, we don’t actually care about Chicago. I mean, it’s a great place if you’re in the mood for a cleaner but somehow more dangerous and boring version New York, but Jesus we really just hate Cleveland,” said mortgage broker David Calabash at Fado’s Irish Pub at Mary Brickell Village. Chants of “Screw you LeBron!” and “Fuck Cleveland!” filled the popular urban tavern well into the night.

City of Miami Mayor Tomas Regalado tweeted early Thursday morning that he had called an emergency City Commission meeting to ask for emergency funds for a parade to celebrate Cleveland’s historic and embarrassing loss. 

“Miami sports fans really need this,” said the Mayor, explaining that his City has not been the same since LeBron James left Miami for Cleveland in 2014. “Things really took a nosedive for our community when he left for Cleveland. I mean, we went from a big three of LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade to now literally having three white guys in our starting lineup. That’s all Cleveland’s fault. They deserve this.” 

While no Chicago Cubs players plan on participating in Miami’s parade in their honor, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans on using the parade as an impromptu 6th campaign rally around South Florida in as many days. When asked whether she shared South Florida’s schadenfreude over Cleveland’s heartbreaking loss, Mrs. Clinton wavered, saying only that she cannot afford to share her authentic human feelings for fear that it will further alienate Ohio’s older white populous that unequivocally already hates her. “Every vote counts, for some terrible reason,” said the candidate. 

But not everyone is South Florida is happy with tonight’s result. The Plantain spoke to lifelong Indians fan and Cleveland native Scott Parkins who said he was crushed at the loss. “People around here like to make fun of Cleveland, but it really is a wonderful City with world-class art and culture and some of the greatest people you’ll ever meet in your life.” When asked if he missed Cleveland or had any plans to relocate to the midwestern City, Mr. Parkins said though he missed his hometown he was not considering moving back. “Who in their right mind would leave Miami for Cleveland?” he asked causing this reporter to wonder the same.