Capitalizing on Miami’s ongoing fascination with driving poorly, spaghetti interchanges, and beeping at cyclists, the City of Miami Beach and the City of Miami jointly announced today the construction of a new 4-lane interstate class express road. Unlike other express lane construction in Miami-Dade, this newly announced I-305 project will be exclusively express lanes that cater only to wealthy South Beach residents willing to shell out $12+ each direction for an exclusive road, unobstructed by recently immigrated Uber drivers and abuelas talking on their speakerphones.

The construction will roughly follow NW 20th St in Miami, tunneling under Wynwood and Overtown. A tunnel was chosen for this area because both districts have already benefited from the pleasures of highway noise and exhaust. The expressway will then proceed over Biscayne Bay in a sweeping multi-million dollar arc causeway with blue LED lighting. The road will terminate at the 1111 Lincoln Road parking garage, a fitting monument to using expensive land to park more and more leased Maseratis.

Sofía Volga, resident of exclusive Sunset Harbor North complex in Miami Beach, expressed excitement to Plantain reporters. She looks “forward to soaring over the boats which keep blocking up the drawbridges on Venetian Causeway. Why they have to make me later than I am already I really don’t know.” Volga’s husband Sebastián, a real estate agent for Berkshire Hathaway who is also a DJ, agreed while adding that “the special exit into the new Trader Joe’s parking lot will really help Sofía drink more sangria, which she needs.”

José González, director of Miami Beach transportation, cut into the press conference proceedings to mention that this beautiful new highway project absolved everyone in the room of trying to build reliable public transportation. Despite Miami Beach being the single most logical place in Miami-Dade for Metrorail, another road soaring over Biscayne Bay is exactly what we need.

By Mike Garcia

The art scene is in a tizzy over a 200,000-car traffic jam throughout Miami Beach that many believe is a conceptual art installation by world-renowned artist Banksy. “I think it’s like super brilliant and also like that Banksy is in Miami now,” said local Victoria Melendez as she took a snap of the mass of unmoving cars that surrounded her on Alton Road. “#Blessed to get to experience a @Banksy! #ArtBasel2019,” the 23-year-old tweeted to her 56 followers.

The authenticity of the mysterious art installation is being questioned, however, after the City of Miami Beach issued a press release that the traffic jam is not art, but rather just the natural consequence of a million tourists that are better looking and richer than you (yes, you) interacting with the decades of poor planning that is Miami’s transit system. The City warns locals to avoid high-density traffic areas (including everywhere) during Art Basel and asks residents forced to go to the Miami Beach not to take or pose with the traffic jam on account that doing so would contribute to the congestion and also make you look like a real idiot.

Art critics, however, are unconvinced by the City’s assertion that Banksy had nothing to do with the traffic, arguing that having the City deny his involvement is the exact sort of thing Banksy would do. The Plantain spoke to a bespectacled Jeff Goldblum-type from New York about his thoughts on the traffic jam who called the exhibit “an irreverent attack on our tech-centric culture that forces society to embraces the literal contradiction of how scientific advancements can offer a shelter for our own humanity,” that is “thought-provoking, blissful, and maddening. Like all of Banksy’s work.”

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when there’s a murderer loose in South Beach and the MacArthur is completely backed up?

That’s the question audiences will be asking themselves when the long-awaited third installment to the Bad Boys series debuts in theaters later this year. In a portion of the script leaked to the Plantain by a grabby Club Madonna stripper, Detectives Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) and Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) are in hot pursuit of notorious drug dealer and murderous bad guy hiding out at a South Point safe house. Unfortunately for our heroes, it’s 7 PM on a Saturday night so traffic on the MacArthur is just fucked and the duo has no choice but to spend the entire runtime of the movie inching their way across the Causeway while listening to Power 106.

Read the Leaked Script here:

Bad Boys III: Bad Boys Figh… by on Scribd

In a tale seemingly ripped from American legend, Ricardo Dos Santos awoke Tuesday from a coma that lasted three-decades-long to discover that he still can’t easily travel to the Beach. It was the summer of 1988 when Mr. Dos Santos was taken into intensive care after a cocaine-filled night and subsequent overdose forced doctors to place him into a medically induced coma.

As you can imagine adjusting to life after missing so much time has been very difficult for Mr. Dos Santos. “I feel like I have been cheated,” he says without provocation.

Despite his predicament, his outlook has been overwhelmingly positive and hopeful albeit with one caveat. “I tell you Miami has changed in so many ways for the better. We’ve got museums now, art festivals, great new restaurants, but the Metro Rail still doesn’t connect to the beach? That’s fucking retarded.” declared Mr. Dos Santos who is still not accustomed to contemporary sensibilities about differently-abled people.

The medical staff at Mercy Hospital have adopted a delicate approach to reintegrating Mr. Dos Santos to society. “We try to take things slowly, only giving him a few hours of TV a day while we rehabilitate his body and mind,” said nurse Carmen Meneses. “We also make sure not to get him started talking about that train.”
“Miami is one of the most exciting and beautiful cities in the world,” said Dos Santos, now 71 years old, “It breaks my heart that I never got to see my children grow up, that I had so much of my life taken away from me. But what really me pica los cojones es que el Metro Rail is such utter bullshit.”

Maria Dos Santos the daughter of Ricardo Dos Santos, age 42, dreams of what could have been. “I never thought he would wake up. I learned to live without him.” However, despite the loss of time with her father, it is evident the apple does not fall far from the tree. “But you know, I learned to live in Miami without competent mass transit too. So I guess in that way we are all survivors.”
Doctors have assured the Dos Santos family that Ricardo’s health should continue to improve, however, his opinion of Miami transit may never improve. “So what you connected it to the airport!? Do you want a fucking medal? There are only two places tourists come to when they visit Miami, the airport, and the beach, and you only can get to one of them! Someone should be shot.”

The County’s religious leaders are fuming about the proposed plans for Interstate 395. “I’d say we’re more like terrified,” shouted Chaplain Ernesto Greenstein. “The planned design is a direct link to our end of days.” Greenstein was referring to the Old Testament’s Book of Revelations, which serves as the Bible’s finale where a “seven-headed dragon” puts an end to mankind. It’s a chilling coincidence that Revelations 3:95 states, “Man’s travels in the south shall be hindered with a path to his well-deserved doom.”There does seem to be a striking resemblance between the planned roads and the beast depicted in the Bible. Greenstein’s hands perceptibly trembled as he smoked a
filterless Camel. “Didn’t we learn our lesson when the Palmetto Expressway was built on Opa-Lockan Tribal burial land in the 70s?” Greenstein was referring to the landmark
1978 lawsuit, Opa-Locka Tribe vs Dade County, where the tribal elders ostensibly cursed the Palmetto, causing decades of unconscionable traffic issues.
Local religious experts are asking the public to pray this Thursday, 2:00-2:30 pm, that the construction and our doom be swift and reasonable.
By Richard Wickliffe

Florida’s 836 Highway was granted statehood by Federal officials shortly after Miami-Dade approved a [13-mile, 650 million dollar extension](( which placed the roadway beyond the minimum mileage threshold for a land area to qualify as a new state.”This is such a relief,” said Elian Gomez, who has lived in a traffic jam on the 836 since the late 1980’s. “It isn’t fair that people who live on the 836 have to pay tolls but have no elected representation. This is a step toward equal representation.”
The borders of the 836 will include the existing highway’s footprint, as well as the majority of the Florida Everglades, which will be redesignated from a natural preserve to a mixed-use development called “Really Sweetwater,” an homage to the new State’s founders, the sugar industry. The new state’s motto will be “Build Here!”
“I’m so proud to be from the 8-3-6,” said Manny Delgado, a senior at NW 137 Exit High, whose mascot, the fighting “That mother fucker just cut me off!” recently beat Killian High School in the state badminton championship. “8-3-6 til I die,” said Mr. Delgado before tragically passing away.

Tragedy this week as sixty-five year old Elian Gomez passed away in his 1950 Chevy Bel Air on the 836, a mere two miles away from the exact spot where he was both conceived and born.Elian’s parents started driving home in 1952 when they became stuck in traffic. After several hours of gridlock, the two conceived Elian in the back seat of the car Elian would later die in. Nine months later, and several feet further on the 836, Elian was born.
Elian would tell friends stories about his difficult childhood home schooled in the back of his parents’ car, dreaming of the storied house his mother said was waiting for them once traffic cleared up a bit. Elian’s parents would not see that house again, as both perished when Elian was in his thirties and still about 6 miles away from their final destination, leaving him the responsibility of driver.
Those close to him recall a kind, but frustrated man who wished to see the world outside of the constant honking and slow inching forward. He leaves behind nothing except his Bel Air, which has been impounded for blocking traffic.
by Daniel Jimenez

The State of Florida has reclassified the portion of US1 south of the I-95 as a parking lot, a decision officials say was legally required due to the “constant fucking standstill” of traffic drivers experience every “god-damn day.”State law clearly defines a “road” as “a paved street used by vehicles to transport motorists from one destination to another,” said Adolf Braunsman, Miami-Dade’s Director of Traffic Abatement. “Unfortunately, US1 no longer fits that definition, with most drivers spending a good portion of their daily commute flipping through Instagram because literally no one is moving, what the fuck!”
An unfortunate result of the reclassification is a substantial decrease in State funds to Miami-Dade County for maintenance of US1. In order to make up for some of that lost revenue, police will begin issuing parking citations to those stuck in traffic.
“It’s very common for cities to operate municipal parking lots,” said Mr. Braunsman. “Commuters wishing to avoid a citation as they sludge from their homes to work will be required to pay a small, constant, never-ending fee collected through Park by Phone.
“I’m not parked, I’m driving to work!” said attorney Jason Ireland, who received three parking citations as he spent an hour and a half inching from his Pinecrest home to his Brickell office this morning.
“Have you moved from this space in the last 10 minutes?” Asked the officer.
“Well, that sounds more like being parked than driving,” said the office as he handed the 32-year-old a $67.00 ticket, which the man initially planned on challenging but then decided to just pay it since it costs more to challenge an unjust ticket than it does to just pay it, goddammit.
When asked why he doesn’t just take the Metrorail to work, Mr. Ireland explained:
“Look, the Metrorail is fine, but is completely impractical for nearly anyone in South Miami-Dade to use. In order for me to get to the Metrorail, which is only like 4 miles from my house, I need to drive in nonstop traffic for 30 minutes and then go up literally 10 floors to find a parking spot. If I don’t want to do that then my only other option is to take the busway, which means I need to take an Uber to the bus stop, then wait in the heat or rain for a bus, which is always late, and then transfer to the Metro. The amount of time it takes to actually get onto the Metro far outweighs the efficiencies of actually taking the Metro, and ends up costing a lot more.”
A long-promised rail expansion to South-Dade was recently defeated, with the County choosing instead to just order some more buses that no one wants right after subsidizing a bunch of Stadiums no one needs.
When asked what the County’s Transportation Department was doing to alleviate the congestion, Mr. Braunsman said there was a proposal to turn the M-Path bike lane into a tolled expresslane, but that it has been met with some opposition

After a thorough investigation, The Plantain has uncovered that the Dolphin Expressway’s new ‘Diverging Diamond’ interchange design is actually a cunning remodel of the classic Hot Wheels Super Speed Blastway Track Set with Pop Off Characters in the Grandstand.At first, our reporters believed the similarities to be merely coincidental, but during an interview with Carlos Alvarez-Hirsch, the civil engineer in charge of the design, a Hot Wheel car fell out of his pocket mysteriously. He picked it up very quickly and ended the interview. This made us very suspicious.
Still, when I told my editors that I thought the Dolphin Expressway was just a rehash of a kid’s Hot Wheel track, they were skeptical. It was only after MDX revoked the Plantain’s press credentials that our crack team was convinced something was amiss.
We sent a mole into the depths of MDX’s planning mechanism. We trained him tirelessly in Hot Wheel set construction and lore. Three weeks later he disappeared. His body was found washed ashore on Key Biscayne with a damp handwritten note, snuck ingeniously on the inside of a single Hot Wheel hidden in the lining of his pocket. It reads as follows.
They love when the cars go fast
Vroom vroom
They meet under cover of night to play with their little cars
They love when the little plastic Spectators Pop Off
They love most when they jump, so cool
This goes deep, very deep
The next clue is hidden where the orange track meets the Wheels
Hot Wheels!

We interviewed several drivers who were contracted by MDX to test the experimental interchange design. What they said shocked us.
“Yeah I’m pretty sure our safety waivers were actually old faded manuals to Hot Wheels track sets. When I brought it up they told me to leave,” said Johnathan Lionella, who wishes to remain anonymous, fearing for his life.
When asked about his experience driving through the radical new design, Mr. Lionella began to cry.
“There was a part of the interchange where cars were directed to go the wrong way. What is that? I drove as instructed and almost died when a car driving the opposite fucking direction came directly at me. We both swerved, thankfully, but in opposite directions. I ended up hitting a pile of tires that caused a weird fireworks display over a grandstand. I was terrified, but then I looked around and all the engineers were celebrating vigorously.”

As a response to widespread complaints about constant, standstill traffic on South Florida’s highways, the Florida Department of Transportation has approved a multi-billion dollar contract that will create an additional “Express Express Lane” that will give commuters the option of avoiding traffic for a “exorbitant fee.”The general public will lose one general purpose lane in order to accommodate the expressier lane, a loss an FDOT spokesperson says will be “more than made up for” by the gains of efficiencies commuters who chose to pay to use the Express Express Lane will see.
While many poor activists driving low-end Nissans or Hondas complain that South Florida’s gridlock has actually been exacerbated by the use of so-called “Lexus Lanes”, FDOT, citing Ayn Rand, disagrees, saying that giving the public the option of paying more to get where they want to go faster is really “the bedrock principal behind our democracy, and if you don’t believe that then you must be a communist, you communist.”
“I hate communism!” said an elderly Cuban man that never leaves 8th Street, who adamantly supports the new lanes.
Commuters wishing to use the Express Express Lane will have to register in advance and are subject to a credit check and must demonstrate they have an annual income of $200,000 a year or more, or have at least $1 Million in savings. Annual Express Express Lane fees are $4,000 on top of a per-use fee of $33. Other perks available for Express Lane Express Lane commuters includes access to American Airlines Flagship Lounges, free parking at Merrick Park, and an all-black Sunpass that actually works.