A recent road survey of I-95 has confirmed that portions of the interstate literally pass through Hell itself.

Starting just north of downtown Miami, surveyors discovered an otherwise unnoticeable dimensional rift that detours directly over The River Styx and through the bowels of Hades. The rift is visually unnoticeable due to the metaphysical structure of our universe, but its discovery confirms reports that drivers passing through the affected area feel emotionally and spiritually disturbed and become real dicks. The portal begins to dissipate north of the Griffin Road exit.

“We are dealing with forces far beyond our control,” said Dr. Keith Sinclair, chief of the Dade County Highway Paranormal Response Team as he sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the 95 and started wishing cancer on the driver of the red Lexus trying to merge into his lane.

“I’ve never seen a dimensional portal of this scope before,” said Dr. Sinclair, before adding “Can you believe this asshole? What does he think he is doing! HEY! Fuck you, pal. Sorry, this is quite a discovery for the paranormal community.”

“This is not at all surprising,” said Argentinian born Vivian Montrose as she made her daily commute from her Hollywood home to her Downtown Miami office. “It actually explains quite a lot of the bad behavior you see on the road everyday,” said the woman before throwing a half-filled Frappuccino at the driver of a white 2002 Corolla with a faded Bush/Cheney bumper sticker and a crooked Jesus fish emblem that honked at Ms. Montrose and told her to “go back to Mexico” for momentarily failing to pull forward as traffic began to advance.

The Plantain reached out to Satan, Lord of the Underworld and Master of All Evil, for an explanation as to how the interdimensional rift came to be. The surprisingly pleasant Dark Lord explained that he had the rift installed several years ago to make it more convenient for him to travel between his home on Hell’s Lake of Fire and the mixed-use development he intends to build in Little River, which he plans to rename “Little Hades”.

“I am so excited to bring a little more Hell to Miami,” said Satan of his planned development, which will have at least three juiceries that will sell $12.00 juices.

By Joey Ganguzza

Last month, The Plantain reported that the Miami-Dade Police Department began ticketing drivers for using turn signals. This week, the department took another step toward curbing traffic lawlessness by publishing a driving guide for visitors and new residents of the County.

Below are the ten key points from the guide:

  1. Never thank another driver for an act of courtesy. It will be misinterpreted as weakness and spark road rage.
  2. Posted speed limits are averages. Double or halve the number to figure out the speed you should be driving.
  3. If traffic ahead of you is not moving, honk your horn relentlessly. This is an effective way to deal with gridlock and also slow-crossing abuelas.
  4. Disregard crosswalks. They were imposed on us by out-of-town safety consultants who thought you’d actually give a shit.
  5. Cyclists are not expected to follow any laws and have the right to unleash hell on you if you come anywhere near them. Keep at least three feet between your car and all cyclists for your own safety.
  6. If you get into an accident and it’s your fault, scream at the other driver. Or better yet, just make a run for it. The police don’t have time to track you down. Good luck!
  7. If you’re sitting at a green light texting and someone honks at you, throw up your hands and be like “Wha’?! Wha’?! Wha’ da fuck?!” Then calmly finish your text. This will ensure that you’re not texting and driving farther down the road. If on the highway, only text in designated lanes. Safety first!
  8. When transporting tall stacks of mattresses or wooden palettes on a pickup truck, remember to secure the pile with a thin piece of twine.
  9. If you’re a male between 16 and 90 years old, slowing your car to a crawl on a busy street is only permitted if you’re trying to check out a tremendo culo in white stretchy pants.
  10. Speeding up when pedestrians cross the street will help stimulate cardiovascular fitness in the community. Do your part against our nation’s obesity epidemic.

The Miami-Dade Expressway Authority (MDX) announced on Monday that it plans to greatly expand the number of toll plazas along State Road 836. The plan, which will take thirteen years and cost upwards of $1.4 billion dollars, will see 60 new toll installations along the 15-mile expressway. The design was unveiled to the County Commission and Metropolitan Planning Organization to resounding applause by an unnamed representative of the MDX, a Borg-like collective comprised of 13 assimilated, unautonomous board members.

The project, which breaks ground next week, is an addendum to a current plan to add tolled express lanes along the connected Palmetto and Dolphin freeways. Touting the plan as “Toll-a-Palooza-Mageden”, the unnamed cybernetic MDX representative walked the County Commission through its schematics while clandestinely wringing its hand indulgently and vibrating with what can only be described as “cybernetic glee.”

The completed plan will be a self-serving funding mechanism for future MDX schemes. As explained to an engrossed County Commission, the new tolls will include kinetic roadway panels that will divert pressurized energy from passing cars to batteries powering the soul engines of the MDX Borg Board. By these means, claimed the voice of the MDX collective, the MDX will live on in perpetuity so long as Miami has traffic.

“Resistance is futile,” the MDX spokes-entity added.