There were a lot of options for the headline of this satirical article about Miami’s mayoral election. I could have done something really outlandish like “The Plantain Endorses Alex Penelas Cause He’d Be So Great” or something more realistic like “Esteban Bovo Promises To Defeat Ghost of Fidel Castro If Elected Mayor” but after four years of running this (highly profitable) website (that is available for purchase should any hedge fund be interested), I know that our (super literate) readers sometimes take these articles literally.
Daniella Levine Cava is one of the best people I’ve ever met. That’s not satirical and there is no hidden subtext to it. She is just a stand-up person who cares more about Miami than almost anyone I know. And I know Mitchell Kaplan. Not personally. Through a friend.
Over the last four years, I’ve tried to write a satirical article about Daniella Levine Cava, one in which I exploit her worst qualities for the hard-hitting comedy gold that any hedge fund would be lucky to have in its portfolio. But I could never do so because Daniella’s worst quality is that she is an almost unnaturally wonderful person. Her second worst quality is she may be too into floral pattern blouses.
When you meet Daniella for the first time, you think to yourself “how could this lady be so nice and genuinely caring,” and also, “that’s a distracting peacock feather patterned blouse.” She’s so nice that you think she must be up to something. But it’s been years of me waiting for the shoe to drop on Daniella Levine Cava and all I’ve found out about her is she is a saint. I’ve even grown to love her penchant for large hats and turquoise clothing. Her worst quality is that there aren’t more people like her. And that’s the type of person I want as a mayor.
I’m serious about this, by the way, here is the absolute best headline I’ve been able to come up with poking fun at DLC over the years:
“Daniella Levine Cava to change her name to ‘Daniella Levine Cava Cava’ in appeal to Hispanic voters.”
It’s a pretty good headline, if I do say so myself, but I didn’t post it because it undermines the amazing work Daniella has done as Commissioner and throughout her career in non-profits for the normal people who live in a County that is run by politicians who prioritize the needs of those who already have the most over those of us still struggling to make it. I see the role that The Plantain plays in this community as being a source that shines a light on the things that Miami should improve. Daniella, in my honest opinion, doesn’t need to be improved. She needs to be in power. That’s why I’m endorsing her for mayor.
Miami has a lot of issues. But whether it will be addressing climate change, traffic congestion, our affordable housing and overdevelopment problems, police oversight, or just having someone in power who will be transparent and care about how her decisions impact normal people, Daniella is the only choice to address those issues.
I look forward to the day I can watch her stand at County Hall in an oversized hat and paisley blouse as she is sworn in as our mayor.
A note about the other candidates:
Xavier Suarez is a good man. I like him a lot. He posed for a “READING IS GOOD” library ad holding an economics book he wrote a thousand years ago, which is sort of baller in the same way that wearing a t-shirt of your own band is sort of cool in an oblivious sort of way.
I like his son a lot too, the Mayor of Miami. We get our eyebrows threaded by the same lady. And if DLC weren’t a saint and running against him, I’d endorse him over the two other idiots running. And I’m not alone in holding Suarez in high esteem. Uncle Luke endorsed him because he has “experience,” but with all due respect to Mr. Campbell, ME SO thinks this is the wrong reason. XS has a lot of experience, that’s true. But one of the problems we have at all levels of government in Miami is that it’s the same people from the same families making deals with the same lobbyists representing the same developers who are also part of the same families and that’s why traffic is bad and no one can afford to live here. Xavier Suarez is not the CAUSE of Miami’s issues, but he is emblematic of dynasties that created them.
Alex Penelas, on the other hand, is not a good man. He is the worst person in the race. How bad is Alex Penelas? Al Gore said he is the worst person he knows in politics and Al Gore served in Bill Clinton’s White House! Penelas has no business being in politics, he doesn’t care about you, and I wouldn’t trust him to run a Jamba Juice let alone Miami Dade County.
Finally, Esteban Bovo is not a bad person. He is just a MAGA-loving idiot. But he’s been terrible LONG before he became a MAGA-loving idiot. I was once at a Commission meeting and he went on this long diatribe about how no one cares about public transit because people left Cuba for freedom and freedom means being able to drive their own car. No, Bovo, people left Cuba to escape inflexible leaders with god complexes like you. Next.