I’m not four years old. I just want to get that out of the way. I know I can sometimes seem juvenile, what with all of the toilet humor, but I am definitely not four. Twitter doesn’t believe me.

This is a true story: I was on the toilet Sunday evening for a little more time than usual on account that I had eaten three artichokes. As I was scrolling through tweets about Katherine Fernandez Rundle covering up the death of Darren Rainey and about how David Rivera was caught raising money for Maduro’s government, eagerly awaiting last night’s election where they…both won somehow, I noticed something odd about the Plantain’s Twitter profile. It said we were 33 years old.

But The Plantain is not 33 years old. It is only four years old. The Plantain actually started right before Trump won somehow in 2016 — our first article was about Marco Rubio dropping out of politics to sell hoverboards at Bayfront Marketplace. Remember, there was a moment after Rubio lost the 2016 election that he said he was going to retire from politics. And that coincided with when those hoverboard things were being sold everywhere before people figured out that they could blow up and that sometimes it’s okay to just walk. Such simpler times.

So I changed the Plantain’s birthday from my birthday, which I used when I signed up for the account, to when the website started. And as soon as I did our account was locked because four-year-olds are not allowed to use Twitter despite Alan Dershowitz’s pleas. I have submitted a ticket and ID that proves I’m not in pre-K, but there is no telling how long it will take to get it back. So…follow our new twitter account: @ElNuevoPlantain
Milo

OHhhhh. And if you do want to further support the Plantain consider buying some of our new merch. We owe $50 for our stupid website’s servers because we’re too lazy to optimize our Google ads.