Socialism is bad and capitalism is good. I know this because my dad told me when I was growing up and I heard a bunch of men standing outside a ventanita reiterate the point after seeing a woman with a nose ring walk past them.

We know socialism is bad because Cuba is socialist and is bad, and we know capitalism is good because Cuba is socialist so capitalism is good. Under socialism, people die and can’t afford basic necessities like food and shelter, but under capitalism people would be able to afford things like food and shelter if only they worked harder.

It can sometimes be hard to tell what is socialist and bad, especially in a place like Miami where everyone knows socialist is bad even though we have the highest level of Obamacare signups in the country. So to help you determine whether something is socialist and bad, we have come up with this list:

Social security, medicare, and Obamacare used to be socialist and bad but now they are capitalist and good. Expanding social security, medicare, and universal healthcare is still socialist and very bad.
If a government program helps me it is capitalist but if it helps someone else it’s socialist.

Tax funded affordable housing projects are socialist. Tax funded stadiums are capitalist and good. All sports are capitalist and good, except hockey, which is popular in Canada, a socialist country that is bad. Any sport popular in socialist countries is socialist and bad, except soccer, which is capitalist and why Miami needs another good capitalist stadium for soccer.

Getting a job in the private sector is capitalist and getting a job in the public sector is socialist…unless you use your job in the public sector to criticize people for getting a job in the public sector, in which case that’s capitalist and very good.

Coconut Grove used to be socialist but now it’s capitalist except during the King Mango Strut Festival, which is socialist.

Miami Beach is capitalist except during Beach Week. Brickell is capitalist, but Downtown is socialist but is getting a little more capitalist these days. Little Havana is capitalist but Little Haiti is socialist and no don’t look into why this is it has nothing to do with race shut up.

Coral Gables is capitalist except the Books and Books which is socialist.

Protests are socialist and violent except if against something socialist, in which case protests are capitalist and can be violent because socialism must be stopped at all costs.

The Miami Herald’s reporters are socialist, but the editorial staff is capitalist. Except when they endorse Daniella Levine Cava, who is a socialist that wants to cause suffering by giving your grandson healthcare and a train to the beach.

Biscayne Bay is capitalist and good, except when it’s full of dead fish which is socialist and bad and could probably be fixed with more development along Biscayne Bay.

Stimulus checks are socialist as is welfare which is subject to fraud. PPP loans are capitalist and any fraud that occurs by a business seeking one is capitalist.

Public transportation is socialist and bad except the Metromover before and after Heat games which is capitalist and very convenient.

Taxes being used for art is socialist and bad, except for public Brito pieces which are good and capitalist. Most art is socialist except those that can be purchased at a Bed Bath & Beyond or that features a man in a hat angled over his face as he smokes a cigar.

The Plantain is socialist and bad. Only in Dade is capitalist and good. All satire is socialist and all videos of cars on fire on the 826 is capitalist.