Greetings! My name is Corey Jacobson and I am the Plantain’s new food critic covering the Miami Metropolitan Area. I am a recent transplant from SF (Editor’s Note: “San Francisco”) and just moved to Miami (Editor’s Note: “Pompano Beach”) last week. As a Miamian now I take great pride in eating at local restaurants that showcase Miami’s (Editor’s Note: Broward or maybe West Palm…I don’t really know where the line is) diverse (Editor’s Note: White) LatinX (Editor’s Note: Very White) flavors.

Mi Amor (Editor’s Note: Oh god), if you are looking for great LatinX flavors (Editor’s Note: He’s my wife’s cousin and his wife left him after he got laid off. You see why I had to hire him, right?) you need to look no further than the Chili’s on State Road 7 in Parkland in Miami (Editor’s Note: That’s not even in Parkland! That’s in Boca in Miami!) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: I mean Boca in not Miami). Now as we all know, chilies are a traditional LatinX food, and Chili’s in Parkland (Editor’s Note: Boca) delivers on those muy caliente traditional diverse flavors we all expected when we moved from the Bay to Miami. (Editor’s Note: Fuck this guy). The menu is full of authentic Latinx staples such as potato skins, sliders, mozzarella sticks, and my favorite: the Latinx Quinoa bowl with corn, edamame, and what I thought was a mole sauce at first but actually was just balsamic dressing. Yum!

I know what you’re thinking: Will I be able to order at the Chili’s in Parkland (Editor’s Note: Boca) if I don’t habla Spanish? Emphatically yes! I was pleasantly surprised when what I assume is my LatinX waitress Makenzie spoke near-perfect English. (Editor’s Note: No LatinX has ever been named Makenzie) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: I’m sorry I used LatinX. I don’t know what the rules are anymore). In fact, when I was there, alone since my wife left me at the start of the pandemic for someone who made her feel “like more than a fucking doormat”, I found that Makenzie and I really started to hit it off. She is a student at a University in Miami (Editor’s Note: She goes to FAU) with an undeclared major and showed me the type of basic human attention I found I really respond to as a lonely man and have no choice but to interpret as sexual interest. (Editor’s Note: She works for tips).

As I finished up my meal with a traditional LatinX dessert of a chocolate lava cake topped with deep-fried onions, I asked Makenzie whether I could have her number because I thought we shared a real connection. She told me that I was old enough to be her father and that she was just being nice and asked me whether I wanted to buy some molly. (Editor’s Note: Aw, pal). Slightly embarrassed I agreed and bought some pills from her boyfriend “T” who seems like a real swell guy who makes what I assume is a nice living selling drugs from the parking lot of the Parkland (Editor’s Note: Boca) Chili’s because he had a pretty supped-up Accord (Editor’s Note: Those aren’t even that expensive).

Anyway, for a great and healthy LatinX meal go to Chili’s and order the quinoa! And look, I’m trying to put myself out there so if you know anyone who might be interested in going on a date with a hip 40-something Miami local (Editor’s Note: Pompano Beach) please send me a message on LinkedIn.

Editor’s Note: I know. I should fire Corey because this article is total shit but he’s family and going through a lot and gave me the $250 worth of Molly he bought from T.