Employers throughout Miami-Dade County are reeling from the sudden downturn in productivity caused by employees taking advantage of the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana and calling in Jewish to work this morning. "Today is the Jewish New Year, a time for solemn self-reflection and definitely not for working in a god damn cubicle," said Christian Paisley, a self-described servant of Christ who says he really needed another day off of work. "Judaism is a beautiful religion, and as a spiritual person I have incorporated its days off into my own devotional practice."
The Plantain reached out to its economist, Arthur Hershelbaum, for a better understanding of how such widespread absenteeism impacts the local economy. Mr. Hershelbaum, who also took off of work today, could not immediately be reached for comment, but did eventually send a text message from Pinecrest delicatessen Roasters N' Toasters that stated that the economic effect of spontaneous exercises of religious devotion was "probably significant," and also that his pastrami sandwich is "delish, boychik!"
At the downtown white-shoe law firm of McDonald & Lee, 29-year-old associate attorney and actual Jewish person Laura Blumberg reported to the Plantain that despite being the only Jew that worked in her office she was the only attorney to actually show up to work today. When asked why she did not take advantage of her heritable right to stay home, the unmarried Yale Law School graduate responded that if she had taken the day off she would have felt obligated to visit her mother and field a never-ending stream of questions about her personal life.
This reporter spoke to Laura's mother, 55-year-old Ethel Blumberg of Boca Raton, about Laura's decision to work on the high holiday, to which Ethel spent 20-minutes asking about my own family history to assess whether I was at risk for Tay-Sachs Disease before inviting me to join her family for dinner to meet Laura's younger sister Jessica, whom she described as "a very cute 24-year-old who was still trying to find herself. Not too thin, but with a nice figure." When asked why she had not thought of me for Laura, Ethel, very bluntly, said that while I seemed nice Laura was a beautiful and brilliant lawyer who, despite her age, still had a lot of option and probably wouldn't be stimulated by a reporter for a fake newspaper.