Motivational speaker and human Hulk Tony Robbins was honored by the City of Miami with an appointment to the City’s Women’s Health Advisory Board. “TONY HAPPY!” said the motivational speaker, “TONY KNOWS BEST FOR WOMEN!”

The appointment comes following accusations that Mr. Robbins committed sexual misconduct against women, but a spokesperson for the City said those accusations were not considered.

“Those women are probably lying,” said a City spokesperson before sending out an invite to David Beckham, Derek Jeter, and Pitbull to the ceremony honoring Mr. Robbins. When asked whether it was appropriate to honor such a problematic celebrity, the City representative said it was part of the City’s core management principles. “Taking pictures with famous people is a core part of how the City operates,” said a City representative, adding “we stole the idea from the Scientologists.”

For his part, Mr. Robbins denies the allegations, stating “TONY GOOD. TONY NO HURT WOMEN. TONY LOVE WOMEN!” and threatening to sue outlets taht report on his alleged misdeeds. The Plantain accosted Mr. Robbins as he was talking to his legal team and asked what type of advice he had related to women’s health. “STAY AWAY FROM TONY!” he said as he pushed me away. We agree.

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