The Plantain has learned that a tourist from Indiana has stopped in the middle of the Tigertail roundabout just outside of Coconut Grove and proceeded to let every car in existence enter.Albert Oldsman, a 64-year-old from Indianapolis, first drove onto the roundabout at 11.55 AM on Sunday and looks set to remain there until the end of time itself. I visited the scene of the incident to interview Mr. Oldsman through a small crack in his passenger window, who had this to say:
“Yesterday I made some kind of unfathomable error, and found myself on this hellish concrete ice rink,” he yelled over the howling chorus of a million car horns behind him. “In Indiana, our roads function at right angles. Our brains function at right angles. Whatever is happening here goes against everything I learnt at my church driving course.”
To the right of Albert’s car, a steady stream of expensive, leased vehicles were filing onto the roundabout in a neat motion. To the left, a scene not unlike the only interesting part of the movie ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ was playing out, as an infinite row of Miami residents stuck in this artificial traffic were expressing their dismay not just at being stopped, but at the knowledge that other people in other cars joining the roundabout ahead were somehow gaining a victory over them.
I asked Albert how he had gotten stuck, and if he still maintained hope that he would ever manage to stop yielding to every car in existence and one day exit the roundabout.
“I saw a young family in an SUV about to enter this vehicular pentagon of Satan, so I gestured to them to turn around and save themselves. Sadly, they took it as an encouragement to enter this madness ahead of me, and so has every car since. It pains me to think about. I couldn’t save them, but at least I can save the ones behind me.”
I suggested that Albert perhaps abandon his car and proceed on foot but he told me the rental charge on his VW convertible was “outrageous” and that he was “determined to make the most of it.”
By Angel Saxon

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