In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump accused former President Obama of ordering wire taps on the Access Hollywood production bus he was on in 2005 when he was caught on camera bragging about sexually assaulting women

“Just learnt Obama tapped Accesss Hollywood van as favor to Crooked Hillary Clinton. Illegal move from very bad Nixonian guy” the President tweeted. Really, it’s true! Here is a screen shot of the Tweet, which can’t be faked:

The President offered no proof to support his allegations and deflected questions regarding the underlying statements he was caught making on camera, including telling Access Hollywood host Billy Bush that he really loved grabbing women by their pussies.

“No one cares about what I said,” said Trump, who is right.

Mr. Trump also deflected questions regarding how Obama could have ordered surveillance on Access Hollywood’s media van when he would not be president until nearly 3 years after the 2005 recording. “That’s what is so Nixonian about it,” said Trump, in a very Nixonian statement, before adding “harooo.”

“It was a media van. It didn’t need to be tapped. It was already recording,” said Access Hollywood cohost Billy Bush, now homeless. The TV personality was fired from the entertainment industry for listening to the future President brag about making unwanted advances on women. “Do you have any change?” asked Mr. Bush to this reporter, who had a few dollars on him, but declined to give them to the broken man.

The Plantain asked the President whether it was fair that Mr. Bush lost his job as a result of the Access Hollywood scandal when he got to become President of the United States. “What Bush did was terrible. What kind of man laughs at someone brag about molesting women? Disgusting!” said the President, who noted that Mr. Bush was also very, very low energy.

“I think your confusing Billy Bush with Jeb! Bush,” this reporter told the President, who said it really didn’t matter, but promised he would demand that the House’s Russian inquiry spend its resources focusing on who is actually more low energy, Billy or Jeb Bush. “We’re going to get to the bottom of it. I promise you this. I promise you this,” said the President.

“Now that I’m President we are going to be demanding full investigations into all sorts of things,” said President Trump. “Except our campaign’s ties to Russia. Nothing to see there.”

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