Multiple sources have confirmed that Dr. Mehmet Oz, known to daytime television audiences as “Dr. Oz”, will be appointed by Donald Trump as Surgeon General of the United States. The Turkish-American cardiothoracic surgeon and snake-oil salesman gained worldwide prominence in the early 2000’s after appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show and has since gone on to create a media empire that includes a television show your mom likes and the popular “Dr. Oz Magazine,” which you have seen her thumb through at the check-out aisle of grocery store as she waited for the old lady in front of you to write a check.

A controversial figure in the medical community, Dr. Oz has been criticized for acting as a spokesperson for numerous products of supposed ill-repute that promise weight-loss and age reversal without any scientific validation. Sources close to the Trump administration report that it was Dr. Oz’s agnostic attitude about facts and science, coupled with his media savvy and willingness to put his name on literally anything, that convinced President-elect Trump to appoint him. “They are kindred spirits,” said a source on the transition team.

The Plantain spoke to Dr. Oz briefly about his appointment:

“Hi Everybody!” said Dr. Oz as he walked into the Plantain’s editorial suite.

“Hi Dr. Oz,” we all said in unison before asking how he felt about being named Surgeon General of the United States.

“It is a great honor! I plan to help alleviate the nation’s growing obesity epidemic by using the seal of the United States to endorse some super groovy weight loss pills that are very healthy and will definitely not probably kill you!” When asked whether he would continue First-Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! Initiative to promote better dietary choices and physical exercise, Dr. Oz said he would consider it, but probably wouldn’t, acknowledging that the sort of long-term lifestyle changes Michelle Obama was advocating was “really hard” and didn’t come in a pill form he could sell in his magazine. When asked to respond to current Surgeon General’s Vivek H. Murthy’s criticism that his appointment is playing with fire, Dr. Oz confidently responded “the United States is inflammable, so I think we’ll be okay.”

When we pointed out that inflammable means flammable, Dr. Oz began to chuckle nervously. “Inflammable means flammable? What a country.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>