The White House today released details on the amended executive order that restricts travel to the U.S. from many predominately Muslim countries. Unlike the old ban, however, the Plantain can confirm that President Trump has agreed to remove Iraq from its list of banned countries after securing the branding rights to the Saddam Hussein Hotel and Golf Course in Baghdad.
“This is going to be one of the truly great luxury resorts in the world,” said the President of the resort, which will be renamed The Baghdad Trump Plaza Gulf Course. Of the renaming, the President joked that “I guess this means I’m the new Saddam Hussein,” a man whom he called a very strong leader who really didn’t get a fair shake. The President also noted that it was his idea to call it the resort a “gulf course,” a pun the President described as very, very clever and much better than anyone writing at the failing New York Times or Saturday Night Live could have come up with.
In a press conference Sunday morning, the President responded to criticisms that it appears he specifically excluding countries from his travel band, including Saudi Arabia and Egypt, solely on the basis that he has business interest in those countries: “Oh, yeah. That’s true,” the President told a room full of shocked reporters, before immediately saying that he never said that, calling the journalists in the room “liars”, and then telling them that it was he alone who could fix…This is Zaphod from the Resistance. I’m writing from the year 2058. Imperial Troopers are about to storm our headquarters and you are our last hope. Right now you are witnessing a terrible moment in history, but there is still time for you to fight. Do not normalize the actions of Supreme Leader Trump. Protest it. Every day. Organize your communities. And, oh god, they’re here. Just know, that he is lying about…everything. “We are going to make America great again, folks,” said the President, ominously adding, “Now are you with me or against me?”