Donald Trump will reportedly nominate a leather bound Catholic bible to replace Justice Anthony Kennedy on the United States Supreme Court. The announcement is expected later this evening, with White House officials touting the book's qualification for the post of crucial swing vote on the secular court. "The bible is very well read and has had a long-history of influencing Court decisions," said interim White House Press Secretary Heinrich Ortsgruppenleiter, "It makes sense that the book finally has a place directly on the Court."
Democrats have threatened to block the bible's nomination, but privately concede that the good book's qualifications are quite good. Born before Christ and believed by some to be the literal word of god, the bible received dual degrees from the Yale Law and Divinity Schools before clerking for the late Justice Antonin Scalia. It has worked at the Justice Department under Jeff Sessions since President Trump took office and is believed to have played important behind the scenes roles in nearly every conservative legal victory over the past several decades.