The Plantain has learned that numerous members of the United States Senate have sought refuge under their desks after members of the Republican majority initiated the so-called “nuclear option” to change the Senate’s rules to allow Supreme Court nominees to become confirmed with a simple majority after the Democrats successfully filibustered Judge Neil Gorsuch’s nomination. 

“We won’t let the Democrats obstruct the process any further,” said Republican Majority Leader Mitch McConnell from his hands and knees under his desk in Senate chambers. “The United States deserves a full court,” said the Kentucky Senator who himself led a successful year-long effort to prevent President Obama’s nominee Merrick Garland from joining the Supreme Court and literally saw no fucking irony in this situation whatsoever.

Sitting in the traditional “duck and cover” position many from his generation were forced to hold during nuclear bomb drills at the height of the Cold War in the 1950’s and 1960’s, the Plantain asked Senator McConnell if his literally ducking and covering was just for dramatic effect considering the Senate’s “nuclear option” was not, in fact, an actual nuclear attack. 

“Oh, no. This has nothing to do with our changes to the Senate’s cloture rules,” said McConnell as he stuck an errant Cheeto that he found under his desk in his mouth. “This is about the emerging nuclear threat North Korea poses on the United States.”

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