“This was like the best freaking Ultra ever,” said a still fucked up Willy Gort Monday morning. “The music, man. It was just so…you know, intense!” he told the tree to whom he was speaking. The tree had no comment.Ultra is the premier EDM Music Festival (“EDM” stands for Electronic Dance Music, meaning I guess that should just say ED Music Festival, or EDM Festival, neither of which looks correct to me, and one of which looks like it would be Erectile Dysfunction Music Festival–I digress).
Ultra, the EDM Festival, took place on Virginia Beach this weekend and was a complete disaster according to everyone except the five City of Miami Commissioners in attendance, all of whom report having had a real “lit” time after being slipped “something funny” by Greg “Dirtboi” Grungerstan, an Ultra lobbyist and part-time DJ.
“The City of Miami is a great friend and partner to Ultra, and I was glad to share the positive vibes and drugs, I mean, just positive vibes and not drugs, with them. Good save, Dirtboi. They’ll put you on the main stage soon,” he told a nearby tree who also declined to comment for this article.
While many have been critical of the City’s plan to move the Erectile Dysfunction festival to Virginia Beach, an area surrounded by protected wildlife that lacks the infrastructure to deal with 60,000 people trying to navigate the only road to the festival, the City of Miami Commissioners in attendance see the festival as overall a positive event for Miami.
“Ultra brings a wonderful mixture of sweaty Europeans on drugs and sweaty locals selling drugs together every year,” said Commissioner Joe Carollo as he stuck a neon pacifier in his mouth and waiting for a sick beat to drop. “I can’t wait for next year. It’s gonna be fire.”
By Bernard Ng-Mann

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