The University of Miami School of Law has committed to educating its students on the risks of taking on too much student debt and will offer incoming 1Ls the opportunity to enroll in its new joint JD/LLM program specializing in student debt law. Tuition for the four-year program is $250,000 and will provide graduates with a working knowledge of the non-dischargeable debt provisions of the U.S. bankruptcy code and prepare them for a career as a fucking contract attorney making $38k a year for some insurance coverage firm in Coral Gables.

“We have a responsibility to train these students in the art of the law, by which I mean how to cover a $900/month student loan payment for the rest of their life,” said the School’s recently fired Dean as he begged for change outside the Coral Gables Taco Rico. “UM offers a highly regarded legal education and this new joint program will only add to its–hey if you’re going to throw away that guac can I have it?”

“A law degree is such a like versatile degree,” said incoming 1L Melissa Basques who enrolled in the new JD/LLM program by taking out $250,000 in loans to cover the tuition on top of $140,000 in private loans to cover the costs of living in Miami for four years without an income. When asked whether she was concerned about taking on nearly $400K in debt and if she considered whether taking on this financial burden would impact her ability to get married, have kids, own a house, or change careers at any point in her life, the 22-year-old Akron, Ohio native said she was not. “People who work at Skadden Arps make $205,000 right out of law school, I’m going to pay off this debt in no time.”

The Plantain reached out to Skadden Arps and asked what a UM law student needed to do to secure one of its highly selective associate positions. “Transfer to Harvard after your first year,” said Hiring Manager Hubert J. Cockface before hanging up and sending me a bill for, what the fuck, $1,400 an hour!

By Joshua P. Lager
UM Law J.D. 2013
$274,993 in debt.