Dwyane Wade’s decision to leave the Miami Heat for the Chicago Bulls left many Heat fans angered and confused. “I’m going to be rooting for the Warriors this year,” said “Heat Lifer” Arturo Ramirez as he purchased several clearance Wade jerseys he plans on burning later. “Wade was the heart and soul of the Heat. The team won’t be the same without him.” 

Neither will “Wade County”, the officially NBA licensed name of Miami-Dade County, which is set to be renamed the “Dragic Subdivision” before the start of the upcoming basketball season.

The decision to rename Wade County was made by the Miami-Dade County Commission, who narrowly rejected a proposal to sell the taxpayer-subsidized waterfront land to wealthy Chinese investors seeking an embezzlement opportunities.“ It was ultimately decided that we should keep the land, at great taxpayer expense, for the community and the Miami Heat to use,” slurred Miami-Dade Commissioner Pepe Diaz as he hiccupped and little bubbles floated out of his mouth

With Dwyane Wade’s departure, a new namesake for the land had to be chosen. “We needed a player that represented the new, bleaker direction of the Miami Heat,” said Commissioner Diaz. “We briefly considered “Bosh Gardens”, but thought it was too depressing given his uncertain future with the league. We also liked “The Upper Whiteside,” but our lawyers advised us the name was already being used by Miami’s predominantly caucasian Pinecrest community. Heat Point Guard Goran Dragic was the only other player we recognized from the list, so the decision was practically made for us.”

Many citizens were dismayed to hear that their beloved Wade County would be named after a perpetually angry looking Russian man. A statement had to be released clarifying that Dragic is actually from Slovenia and not Russia, but that just further confused everyone.

“I saw a picture of him and didn’t understand why they decided to name Wade County after Edward Snowden. After a while someone explained to me that he was actually just the white guy the Heat was overpaying that wasn’t Tyler Johnson,” said Dragic Subdivision resident Michael Smith.

While some residents, like Mr. Smith, remain cautiously optimistic about the Heat’s new direction, others have started a grassroots effort to lure Dwyane Wade back to Miami by making the City over in Mr. Wade’s hometown of Chicago’s image.

“We’re doing everything we can to convince Wade that Miami can be every bit the city Chicago is,” said founder of the “We Want Wade” action committee. “We’re making a lot of progress improving Miami’s public transit system, making the City more walkable, and drastically increasing the city’s black-on-black murder-rate.” 

The Plantain reached out to Dwyane Wade, who declined our requests for an interview, but said in a statement that while he has great love for the City of Miami and Heat Nation, he looks forward to not winning many championships with his hometown of Chicago.

By Kyle Rambo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>