West Kendall to be Renamed “Las Vegas”

West Kendall to be Renamed “Las Vegas”

It appear that West Kendall, the unincorporated suburban community known for its traffic and strip malls, is about to undergo another major rebranding effort. At a press conference outside of an abandoned Toyota dealership, County Commissioner Juan C. Zapata announced that he had introduced a resolution to rename the area “Las Vegas”, a name he hopes will bring tourism to the sprawl.

“Las Vegas is the perfect name for our community. Like the real Las Vegas, West Kendall has countless entertainment and dining options, as well as an abundance of reasonably priced prostitutes,” the Commissioner told reporters. “I think all that is holding our community back is its name.”

West Kendall, of course, has already undergone a significant rebranding effort at the hands of Commissioner Zapata. Earlier this year the Commissioner tried with little success to convince locals to refer to the area as Miami’s “West End”, a name intended to evoke the fashionable elegance of London’s theater district. In practice, however, the West End rebranding attempt evoked only confusion and consternation.

“I think the “West End” would have been a great name for the community because West Kendall, like London, is a posh area that brings to mind world-class art and culture. But the name failed to catch on and I am self-aware enough to know when to abandon a well-intentioned, though ultimately misguided, cause,” said the Commissioner.

Coinciding with the planned name change is a proposal to bring legalized gambling to the suburban community. Reports suggest that Commissioner Zapata is already courting the Malaysian conglomerate Genting with promises of subsidies with the hope that they build a casino in soon-to-be “Las Vegas, Miami”.

The Plantain asked Regina George, a West Kendall local, whether she supported Commissioner Zapata’s never-ending effort to rename her community. Ms. George–who noted that she was angered by the Commissioner’s treatment of the West Kendall name, and by extension its residents, as stigmatized–directed her answer to her Commissioner:

“Stop trying to make the West End happen! It is NOT going to happen!”