Super Bowl LIV is on Sunday and thousands of visitors from all over the country are arriving in Miami to find out that the stadium is more than an hour away from their hotel.

“Where the hell is Miami Gardens?” asked Abigail Alan after learning it would take her at least an hour and forty-five minutes to get to Hard Rock Stadium with traffic. “Are you kidding me? Why would the NFL host an event where the closest luxury accommodations are more than an hour away?” she asked before inquiring as to whether there was a subway she could take to the stadium.

“There aren’t any direct mass transit options, but if you want you could easily get to the stadium by taking three busses and walking half-a-mile,” said the concierge. “It will only take three and a half hours. Just make sure that you leave the game early enough to get back to your hotel by midnight since the busses don’t run all night.”

The Plantain asked the City of Miami’s Super Bowl committee about whether they felt the type of issue Abigail and similarly situated human traffickers are facing highlights Miami’s infrastructural deficiencies, but they were too busy trying to get a photo with Ray Lewis to answer.

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