By Ángel SaxonCaucasians across the US have decided to co-opt the traditional Mexican holiday “Cinco de Mayo”, turning it instead into “Cinco de Mayo,” a celebration of the popular sandwich spread, mayonnaise. All over America, gleaming white gazebos are being erected behind gleaming white fences and blue lids are being yanked off pasty white tubs as neighbors gather to celebrate their love of the disgusting white spread.
We asked the founder of this new holiday, Jimmy McBobberson, why he had felt the need to put their own spin on a Mexican tradition:
>”There is nothing whiter than mayonnaise”
“Well, if you ask me, it’s kind of annoying that Mexicans are allowed to have a huge party and get drunk in a way that is socially acceptable two months before we get to do the same for Independence Day. It just kind of feels like they deliberately undercut us, you know? Plus, Mexican-Americans get to celebrate Cinco de Mayo and Independence day, whereas we only get the one. What’s up with that?”
But isn’t this new holiday disrespectful to Mexican culture? “Look, we’re all about respecting traditions. Cinco de Mayo might be a tradition for the Mexicans, but stealing and adopting other people’s culture is a tradition for us, so where’s the respect for that?”
But why mayonnaise specifically? “Isn’t it obvious? There is nothing whiter than mayonnaise, both in color and as far as food culture goes. It’s the perfect Caucasian spin on an old and highly regarded holiday. I couldn’t be prouder to be the first to think of it.”
We thanked Jimmy for his time and left him alone to celebrate, not before he showed us his plans for an even newer holiday called “Día de los Oreos”.
by Ángel Saxon