Following a year of extraordinary turmoil, tragedy, and death, the world has agreed to take a mulligan on 2016 and start it over again on January 1st.
“We got off to a bad start when David Bowie died on Jan 10 and were never able to recover,” lamented United Nations calendar director Seth Plate. “Then Hillary lost and we all learned about Aleppo and Alan Thicke and at some point we just collectively realized the best thing to do was try again and hope for a better 2016 next year.”
The emergency resolution comes after a particularly terrible final week of the year that saw singer George Michael and Princess Leia Carrie Fisher die, causing the world’s population to throw their hands in the air, mutter “fuck it” to themselves, and agree to try to end 2016 as quickly as possible and try again later.
“Well sure, 2016 has been bad, but is it really the worst year ever?” asked local Game Stop employee Brett Cavanon. We then let him know that Carrie Fisher’s mother, actress Debbie Reynolds, had died less than 24-hours after her daughter, causing the 28-year-old man to yell “oh god, are you kidding me?” and crawl into a ball.
Details regarding the reset are still being worked out, but reports suggest that the UN, in conjunction with Industrial Light and Magic, plans to resurrect all of the celebrities lost to 2016, as well as Robin Williams, even though he died in 2014, because that was just the fucking worst.
“Does this mean we have to go through that whole god-damn election again?” asked an apprehensive United States.
In a resolution passed by the Obama administration and supported by both houses of Congress and the cast of Hamilton, President Obama announced that the U.S. would be holding a new presidential election, but noted that he had taken precautions to ensure things would be different this time by signing an executive order that prevents either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton from running again, a decision that Donald Trump called “totally corrupt” and Hillary Clinton described as a “total affront to our Democra…oh, who am I kidding? Let’s put up somebody who can win this time.”
Critics of the reset worry that starting 2016 over could actually extend the bad luck associated with the cursed year. “Wouldn’t it be better to reset to a year we know was great? Like 1993,” said James Ireland, who noted that Pearl Jam tickets were much cheaper back then and that those AOL chat rooms could be pretty fun.
Despite concerns, the reset is supported by all but a fringe group of anti-Castro Cubans who have taken to the streets to denounce the decision. “It took us 90 years to get rid of that bastard, we don’t want to risk bringing him back,” said Miami native Jorge Collazo, who added that though he stands by his opposition to the reset he is very much looking forward to having Prince back.