After an unprecedentedly negative eighteen month campaign that has brought issues such as Anthony Penis’ weiner Anthony Weiner’s penis and Donald Trump’s pussy grabbing little hands to the forefront of American politics, election day is finally underway and the world now anxiously awaits to see how Florida will vote. “If Donald Trump loses Florida he literally has no pathway to victory,” said the guy sitting next to me at a Starbucks who thinks he’s Nate Silver or something to his disinterested teenage daughter who has the day off because it’s a “teacher planning day,” whatever that means. 

More than 46 million voters have early voted prior to election day, including a record breaking 760,000 voters in the Democratic Hispanic stronghold of Miami-Dade County. “That’s a good thing, right? RIGHT?” said local progressive Amanda Delmonico as she took several muscle relaxers to hold her off until the polls close at 7:00 tonight. “I have been constipated for eighteen months dealing with the anxiety of this election and just need this whole thing to be over with,” said the 28-year-old accountant as she poured herself a glass of a single-malt scotch she had been saving for her grandfather’s funeral. 

Many, including Ms. Delmonica (a Clinton supporter) and her grandfather (a Trump supporter), worry that a close race will result in a protracted ballot count that will only further damage our already fragile national psyche. 

“The 2000 election was just so embarrassing,” said that same father from the Starbucks to his daughter as she texted her friend Megan about the weed. “I just hope if it happens its not South Florida who screws things up again,” said the father, who, upon closer inspection had a pin on his lapel in support of Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. 

Before the father and his daughter left I stopped them to let them know I had been listening to their conversation (and reading the daughter’s texts over her shoulder) and was dumbfounded by the irony of the father — let’s call him Geoff — hoping against a repeat of the 2000 election while supporting a third-party candidate when it was the untenable support of third-party candidate Ralph Nader that caused the 2000 fiasco in the first place and gave George W. Bush the state’s electoral votes and the presidency. I also offered to sell his daughter — let’s call her Heather — an eighth of weed, an offer I could tell she was interested in but was reluctant to go through with in front of her father. 

“Now now, a third party vote is not a wasted vote,” said Geoff emphatically. 

“But Gary Johnson won’t win, right?”


“And either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton will win”


“And you would prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump”

“I would prefer Gary Johnson”

“But Gary Johnson won’t win, right?”


“And you would prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump”

“I would prefer Gary…”


“My name is Daniel”

“Then answer the god-damn question, Daniel”

“Yes, I suppose I would prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump”

“So why wouldn’t you just vote for Hillary Clinton”

“Because I would prefer Gary Johnson”

After several more minutes of debating Geoff/Daniel I reached into my messenger bag and tossed lets-call-her-Heather a small bag of marijuana gratis and rode my bicycle to a very classy Wynwood bar (the kind where there hasn’t been a murder in front of in at least two months). Once there I spent $40 dollars on the jukebox where I played Skeeter Davis’ “Don’t They Know It’s The End of the World” on repeat for 6 hours as I sat alone as election results came in and I got so drunk I forgot which candidate I was supporting.”

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