It’s GIVE MIAMI DAY! This means you’re being pressured to donate your hard-earned money to a bunch of charities and non-profits who want to selfishly spend it on making the community you live in a better place. Those jerks.
Last year, Give Miami Day raised over $14.4 million for local non-profits, and this year, the communists behind that plot expect to raise even more. To get to the bottom of this, the Plantain searched through the more than 900 nonprofits raising money through Give Miami Day to find the worst ways you can spend your money:
1) Zapatos para pata sucios – Established in 2014, this non-profit shovels money to popular Miami nightclubs and less popular gas stations, and provides shoes to pata sucias. “This is like a super important issue,” said a bunion on the bottom of a very attractive redhead’s left foot as she stumbled across Alton Road at 1:30 AM.
2) Tyler’s Herros – This organization goes into high-income areas of Miami and replaces old Lebron Heat Jerseys with bootlegged Jimmy Butler and Tyler Herro jerseys. “This is great, I really needed a new jersey,” said Insurance broker Xavier Alvarez from the Miller’s Ale House in Pinecrest. “Thank you so much, this really helps our family,” added his wife, Camilla, telling us privately that the Lebron jersey didn’t actually fit Xavier anymore on account of all of their trips to Miller’s Ale House.
3) Sweaters for South Florida – This nonprofit was established by your coworker who insists anything under 77 degrees is “sweater weather.” Founder Luca Johannson says that though SFSF will do absolutely nothing at all (so don’t even ask) to help reduce South Florida’s homelessness problem, they will make sure that all of the homeless people that line South Florida’s streets are balmy and never even the slightest bit cold.
4) The Gloria Estefan Medical Fund – The Miami Icon and Stage-4 Conga survivor has set up a fund to help those diagnosed with the fire of desire turn the beat around and get back on their feet.
Want to donate? Great! Head to the Give Miami Day Nonprofit Finder and find the one you’d like to donate to.
We promise the ones we mentioned are totally in there. You can’t find them? Keep looking. Actually – go make some coffee – there are over 900 nonprofits participating in Give Miami Day 2020, so this might take a while.