Sick of corporate “Best Of” lists telling you to eat at the worst pizza place in Miami? Us too!
Welcome to your 2019 guide to the very worst that Miami has to offer. This is the definitive list of all of the shit you hate to deal with every day that makes you want to just pack up and move to Oakland or Seattle or wherever all of your friends keep moving.
So, without further adieu…
WORST POLITICIAN: JOE CAROLLO
There is a cynical way of looking at all of the men and womyn that represent our community and coming to the conclusion that they all suck. And with very few exceptions (like Daniella Levine Cava, who is a saint) that isn’t far off. But even with all of the glad-handers that believe soccer stadiums are more important than affordable housing and public transit, and all the politicians from our northern communities that keep getting indicted, it isn’t hard to conclude Joe Carollo is the worst politician in Miami.
Putting aside the fact that he was arrested for domestic violence (god knows the voters have), dude seems to be straight up insane and more than willing to use his position of power as a way of seeking retribution from his political enemies. Honestly, the guy scares us and if the Plantain is suddenly investigated for running an illegal nightclub out of Villain Theater you should know that we’re innocent. Plus, we hear he might be a secret communist.
WORST ROAD: THE 836
What else could it be? The 836 is the biggest clusterfuck of all time and literally the worst place anyone can spend two hours a day checking their Insta in traffic as some jerk tries to inch into your lane. That’s your lane! Don’t let them in.
The 836 has been under construction forever and there is no end in sight. Fuck you, Dolphin. We hate you, you have no chill.
WORST CONCERT OF THE YEAR: ULTRA
Hey, you know what would be fun? Let’s take 60,000 people high on club drugs and force them onto an island with only one road that gets mired with traffic when there isn’t anything special going on.
No thank you. EDM died with Aviici.
WORST PIZZA: FRANKIE’S PIZZA
Frankie’s pizza is that memory of your childhood you try not to think too much about or you run the risk of realizing that maybe your childhood wasn’t that great after all.
File this in the same category as Santa’s Enchanted Forrest and the Seaquarium.
WORST NEW TIMES BEST OF MIAMI PICK: FRANKIE’S PIZZA
Like, what are they smoking at the New Times to pick Frankie’s Pizza as the best slice in Miami? Show me one person that would take Frankie’s over Anthony’s or Harry’s or Miami’s Best or Big Cheese or Andiamos and I’ll show you a damn liar.
This is particularly upsetting because I usually love The New Times and their surprising commitment to outing private citizens that complain about their local Dunkin Donuts closing early.
WORST TOWN: HIALEAH
Don’t get too cocky, Miami Lakes. We’re lumping you in this too.
Hialeah is the weirdest place in Florida, and that is saying a lot because this is Florida. I literally once saw a man carry a chicken into a plastic surgery center located in a strip mall. It made me question everything I know and utterly broke me.
WORST ARTIST: AHOLSNIFSGLU
I know, I know, I know, Britto is the worst, right? But I think we as a community need to just accept the fact that those eyeballs are as much of a commodity as anything Britto does. At least Britto puts his shit on Disney figurines your grandma can buy at Bed Bath & Beyond. Ahol puts his on vape pens.
I remember when the eyes started popping up, I thought they were amazingly cool. But after more than a decade of seeing them on the side of every hipster restaurant without any real variation, I don’t think anyone but the most basic corporate designer is excited by them anymore. Did he run out of ideas?
It doesn’t feel good to call someone doing their thing out because Ahol is making a living doing his dream and I genuinely wish him success. I really hope he is making a ton of money putting his once inspired design on vape pens and junk. But if we as a community are going to replace Britto’s tired aesthetic as the default for art in Miami maybe we should try to find something more inspired. I mean, would it kill him to draw a nose every once in a while?
WORST NEWS SOURCE: THE PLANTAIN
Okay, I’ll be the first to admit it, I’m kind of over us too. When this started in 2016 these articles were a fun thing for me to do on the toilet. But 500 articles later this is feeling played out. I mean, how many times can I make a joke about people not using their blinkers? It’s 2019, nothing is funny.
Plus, I just had a kid and I think this may be too much for me. I don’t even know what my goal is with this website. Ideally, I would hire someone to run it because I don’t have the time to monetize it, but literally every person who has offered to help over the last year has been illiterate or flakey. One dude even called me up asking to take it over and as soon as I agreed he got off the phone and never called me back. I can’t give the Plantain away. And I can’t get a grant because the Knight Foundation won’t return my messages.
WORST SPORTS TEAM: WHATEVER THE SOCCER TEAM IS CALLED
Miami is a sports disaster. While the Marlins really should win the all time awful award for trading every superstar they ever had and stealing taxpayer money to build the lowest attended stadium in MLB history, the impending soccer team is somehow worse.
Now the team isn’t necessarily bad, per se, but who cares about that. The team is the worst because it represents everything wrong about Miami. We have precious little green space in Miami, the City is going to be destroyed by climate change, and we aren’t using public funds on important infrastructures like transit and affordable housing, but we are getting a new soccer stadium because every politician in Miami has a boner for David Beckham.
WORST PLACE TO OPEN UP A RESTAURANT: SUNSET PLACE
I don’t get it! Sunset Place has a Dave and Busters, the only reasonably priced movie theater left in Miami-Dade County, a big-box bookstore that doesn’t make me feel bad for not buying books of Cuban poetry like Books & Books does, and that store “Believers” that literally has a hodgepodge of crap from every religion and also cheap pipes. But it cannot sustain a restaurant that isn’t Buffalo Wild Wings?
WORST CITY YOUR FRIENDS KEEP MOVING TO: WASHINGTON D.C.
In the last year, I have had friends relocate to Oakland, Los Angeles, Boston, Seattle, New York, Chicago, Ashville, Denver, Orlando, Austin, and Washington D.C.
D.C. is a hellhole and is clearly the worst city on that list, but the fact that someone would move to D.C. from Miami demonstrates how bad things have gotten.
There aren’t good paying jobs here unless you are a realtor or lawyer, so it’s too expensive to live here anymore. And if you can afford to live here because you do have one of those good jobs, it means you probably have even better options somewhere else. And even if you want to stay, you know you have to leave at some point because the seas are rising. Plus, you still can’t get to the beach via the metro rail, so what’s the point anyway?
Miami lacks the leadership needed to address these issues. There is a reason we will have built a baseball stadium, a soccer stadium, and renovated a football stadium all before we have expanded public transit options in a meaningful way: Miami doesn’t care about you unless you’re already rich. Until this place enacts fundamental changes all of your friends will continue to leave.
WORST ACTIVIST VICTORY: PAPER STRAWS
I love the environment, but paper straws are not the answer! First, a paper straw is not a straw, it is a tube. Second, paper disintegrates in liquid so they don’t serve their purpose. Third, and this is maybe the most important, it is a solution that doesn’t solve the underlying reasons our planet is dying. This obsession with paper straws is merely a way of annoying everyone enough into feeling like they are saving the planet so they don’t pay attention to all of the real issues that are destroying the planet. Have you tried to drink a Jamba Juice with a paper straw? Thank you, next.