“I had never experienced a global pandemic before” said 34 year-old Kendall resident Michael Stevenson. He recalled bravely surviving the 2014 ebola crisis from the safety of his Westwood Lakes home, a virus that killed over 11,000 people, including two Americans, and for which President Trump recently took credit for solving even though he wasn’t in office at the time.
Amid the Coronavirus crisis, toilet paper and paper towels have been flying off retail shelves, prompting Stevenson to join the fray. The unemployed aspiring app developer and self-described scientist had wandered the aisles of an Anglo Publix, a Home Depot, a Costco, a Target, and a Navarros, but found nothing but empty shelves. After driving around for nearly three hours, a visit to a Kendall CVS y Mas changed his outlook – and his life – forever.
After giving up on his toilet paper mission, he bought three tubes of Mentos at a self-checkout register before experiencing what Republican pop-psychologists refer to as an “epiphany.” “The CVS robot was printing out a seven-foot long CVS receipt, and in those six minutes, I realized — ‘just because they call it ‘toilet’ paper doesn’t mean it’s the only thing I can use on the toilet.”
“Paper comes from trees, and then they just press it into different forms. Coffee filters, paper plates, old cardboard Amazon boxes – it’s all just paper…” Stevenson thought. “What if I expanded my horizons?’ He hurried home to test his hypothesis before rushing back to the CVS for seven tubes of Hemorrhoid cream and Neosporin.
He says he wanted to test his theory on old newspapers, but couldn’t find a Miami Herald or a New Times anywhere. “Newspapers are especially important at a time like this. Not because of the news – I get my vital information from poorly-sourced memes my friends send me – but because of the quality of the paper. Thin, pliable, and dirt cheap. I mean it’s just pages and pages of gold.”
Stevenson says he’s planning to launch an app in the next few weeks wherein users can upload a photo of an object and the app will tell them whether they can wipe their ass with it. “It’ll be called ‘Wipe With It? 2’ [WWIII]. “My cousin stole the copyright to ‘Wipe With It? 1’ after I called to tell him about it. I’m hoping it goes viral,” added Stevenson before apologizing profusely for the pun and running to the bathroom to wash his hands.
Though he feels like he’s discovered a gold-mine, Stevenson says WWIII wasn’t even his first “aha” moment during the Coronavirus crisis. “I was employing ‘social distancing’” — the CDC-recommended method of staying at least six feet away from the nearest person — “and I realized I’ve already been practicing it for like a decade,” explaining that he had spent every weekend for ten years alone in his house with the lights off watching reruns of The Office. “Honestly, the coronavirus is the best thing that ever happened to me.”
Update: In related news, The Miami Herald has reportedly quadrupled its hard-copy sales. A Herald spokesperson credited Mr. Stevenson, and by extension The Plantain, with single-handedly funding its pensions for years to come. “He truly is a genius,” said the spokesperson.